BURGESS 
UNABRIDGED 


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Ex  LIBRIS 
WILLIAM  STURGIS  BIGELOW 


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385Wash'n  St.Boston 


BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


WOWZE 


BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


A  New  Dictionary 
of  Words  you  have  always  Needed 


BY  GELETT  BURGESS 

Author    of    "Goops"    "Are    You    a   Bromide?" 

"The  Maxims  of  Methuselah,"  "The 

Maocims  of  Noah,"  §c. 


With  Cover  Designs  and  Illustrations  by 
HERB  ROTH 


NEW  YORK 

FREDERICK  A.  STOKES  COMPANY 
PUBLISHERS 


Copyright,  1914,  by 
GELETT  BURGESS 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


WOWZE 

A  conscientious  tangoist  inflated  with  her  vanity 

Attempting  to  excel  a  silly  partner  in  inanity  .        Frontispiece 

PAGE 
BRIPKIN 

A  person  whose  apparel  by  its  conscious  imitation  lies 
Respecting  the  society  in  which  his  limitation  lies  ...        9 

DIABOB 

A  complicated  artifact  devised  in  proof  of  amity 

Producing  to  sestheticism  visual  calamity 15 

HUZZLECOO 

A  conversation  intimate,  intensific  but  amical 

Surcharged  with  personalities  outrageously  dynamical      .      37 

JIRRIWIG 

An  unaffected  traveler  engrossed  in  Touristology, 

A  middle-western  species  of  the  Baedeker  biology  ...      47 

KIPE 

Evaluating  notice  with  impertinent  serenity, 

The  envious  propensity  of  feminine  amenity   .      .      .       .53 

QUOOB 

An  undress-suited  being  in  an  access  of  humility 
Apologizing  vainly  for  apparent  incivility      ....      77 

vii 


899714 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


SPLOOCH 

The  acme  of  ineptitude  whose  quality  unfortunate 

Assails  our  sensibilities  with  agony  importunate   ...      89 

TASHIVATE 

Indulgent  inattention  to  a  chatter  of  banality 

Emotionally  answered  with  a  feeling  of  tonality  ...      93 

WOG 

A  thinglet  unpremeditated  marring  one's  consistency 

Or  dignity  or  pulchritude  with  devillish  persistency  .      .109 


viii 


INTRODUCTION 

Yes,  I  have  written  a  dictionary.  Worcester  and  Webster 
are  all  right  in  their  way,  and  Stormuth  will  do  very  well  for 
Englishmen  —  but  they're  not  up  to  date.  Mrs.  Century's 
book  is  a  bit  better  and  even  old  Dr.  Standard's  Compendium 
of  Useful  Information  includes  my  own  words,  "  bromide  " 
and  "  sulphite."  It's  good  enough  for  last  year,  but  "  Bur 
gess  Unabridged"  will  give  the  diction  of  the  year  1915. 

For,  the  fact  is,  English  is  a  growing  language,  and  we  have 
to  let  out  the  tucks  so  often,  that  no  last  season's  model  will 
ever  fit  it.  English  isn't  like  French,  which  is  corseted  and 
gloved  and  clad  and  shod  and  hatted  strictly  according  to  the 
rules  of  the  Immortals.  We  have  no  Academy,  thank  Heaven, 
to  tell  what  is  real  English  and  what  isn't.  Our  Grand  Jury 
is  that  ubiquitous  person,  Usage,  and  we  keep  him  pretty 
busy  at  his  job.  He's  a  Progressive  and  what  he  likes,  he'll 
have,  in  spite  of  lexicographers,  college  professors  and 
authors  of  "  His  Complete  Works."  That's  the  reason  why 
English  has  ousted  Volapiik  and  Esperanto  as  a  world 
language.  It  snuggles  right  down  where  you  live  and  makes 
itself  at  home. 

How  does  English  shape  itself  so  comfortably  to  the  body 
of  our  thought?  With  a  new  wrinkle  here  and  a  little  more 
breadth  there,  with  fancy  trimmings,  new  styles,  fresh  mate 
rials  and  a  genius  for  adapting  itself  to  all  sorts  of  wear. 
Everybody  is  working  at  it,  tailoring  it,  fitting  it,  decorating 
it.  There  is  no  person  so  humble  but  that  he  can  suggest  an 
improvement  that  may  easily  become  the  reigning  mode. 

Slang,  I  once  defined  as  "  The  illegitimate  sister  of  Poetry  " 
—  but  slang  is  sometimes  better  than  that ;  it  often  succeeds  in 
marrying  the  King's  English,  and  at  that  ceremony  there  are 
dozens  of  guests.  There's  the  poker  player,  who  con- 

ix 


BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


tributes  for  his  wedding  present,  "  The  limit  "  and  "  Make 
good  "  and  "  Four  flush."  Politics  hands  over  "  Boodle/' 
"  Mugwump  "  and  "  Gerrymander."  The  thief  presents  his 
"  Jimmy/'  "  Doss/'  "  Kip/'  "  Heeler/'  "  Split/'  "  Lag/' 
"  Swag  "  and  "  Dope."  The  horse  race  gives  us  "  Neck  and 
neck  " ;  baseball,,  "  Putting  one  over."  Even  the  baby  offers 
"  Goo-goo."  Illustrations,  however,  are  boring. 

But  slang,  strictly,  consists  in  the  adaptation  of  phrases; 
it  does  not  often  —  not  often  enough  at  any  rate  —  coin  new 
words.  Thieves'  patter  or  jargon  or  cant  provides  us  almost 
with  a  language  of  itself,  and  words  from  the  Underworld  are 
continually  being  added  to  the  language.  Like  the  turkey 
trot,  "  We  first  endure,  then  pity,  then  embrace."  So  from  all 
sources  the  language  recruits  new  phrases,  new  expressions, 
even  new  rules  of  grammar.  Horrible  as  they  are  to  the 
conservative,  common  usage  accepts  them  and  they  become 
classic.  Professor  Lounsbury  of  Yale  is  kept  busy  justify 
ing  them.  He,  alone  of  all  grammarians,  sees  that  the  split 
infinitive  must  come,  that  verbs  must  be  constructed  of  nouns. 
He  recognizes  the  new  function  of  the  potential  mood,  in  "  I 
should  worry"  and  "Wouldn't  that  jar  you?" 

Yes,  it's  easy  enough  to  coin  a  phrase,  to  adapt  an  old  word 
to  a  new  use,  like  "  Chestnut  "  and  "  Lemon  "  and  "  Peach." 
It's  easy  to  abbreviate  words,  like  "  Gent "  and  "  Pants  "  and 
"  Exam  "  and  "  Phone  "  and  "  Stylo."  It's  easier  still  to  fill 
the  new  dictionary  with  new  derivatives  from  Latin  or  Greek 
or  crowd  in  French.  The  scientific  word  requires  a  little  in 
vention.  "  Radioactive  "  and  "  Aileron  "  and  "  Hypofenyl- 
tribrompropionic  "  need  only  a  scholastic  delving  in  ancient 
tongues.  But  to  invent  a  new  word  right  out  of  the  air  or  the 
cigarette  smoke  is  another  thing.  And  that's  what  I  deter 
mined  to  do. 

Yes,  I  know  it  has  been  tried,  but  it's  never  been  seriously 
and  deliberately  gone  about.  It  has  been  haphazard  work, 
the  result  of  a  mere  accident,  or  vaudeville  high  spirits.  But 
the  way  such  neologisms  have  become  quickly  current  shows 
that  here's  a  field  for  high  endeavor,  and  a  little  success  with 


INTRODUCTION 


"  Blurb  "  and  "  Goop  "  encourage  me  to  proceed  in  the  good 
work.  We  need  so  many  new  words,  and  we  need  'em  quick. 
The  question  is:  How  to  get  'em? 

Of  course,  we  might  ransack  the  back  numbers  of  the 
language  and  dig  up  archaic  words.  Many  such  have  been 
dropped  from  the  original  Anglo-Saxon.  There  is  "  Dindle," 
to  shake,  and  "  Foin  "  to  thrust,  and  "  Gree  "  and  "  Lusk  " 
and  "  Sweven."  But  the  need  for  most  of  them  has  long 
gone  by.  We  do  not  "  Feutre  "  our  spears,  because  we  have 
no  spears  to  feutre.  We  carry  no  "  Glaive,"  we  wear  no 
"  Coif." 

So  with  the  bright  gems  of  Elizabethan  diction.  A  "  Bon- 
nibel  "  is  now  a  nectarine.  To  "  Brabble  "  is  now  to  "  Chew 
the  rag."  What  is  a  "Scroyle"? —  a  "Cad,"  a  "Bad 
Actor  "  ?  A  "  Gargrism  "  has  become  "  A  Scream."  So  the 
old  names  become  mere  poetic  decorations.  Why,  the  word 
"  Fro  "  we  dare  use  only  in  a  single  collocation !  And  as  for 
"  Welkin,"  "  Lush,"  and  "  Bosky  " —  who  dares  to  lead  their 
metric  feet  into  the  prim  paths  of  prose?  Let  bygones  be 
bygones.  Look  elsewhere. 

Samoa  has  an  ideal  language,  and  there  it  was  I  got  my 
inspiration.  Can't  we  make  English  as  subtle  as  Samoan?  I 
wondered.  There  they  have  a  single  word,  meaning, 
"  A-party-is-approaching-which-contains-neither-a-clever  -  man  - 
nor-a-pretty-woman."  Another  beautiful  word  describes  "  A- 
man-who-climbs-out-on-the-limbs-of-his-own-breadfruit-tree-to- 
steal-the-breadfruit-of-his-neighbor."  " Suiia"  means  "Change- 
the-subject-you-are-on-dangerous-ground."  Another  happy 
word  expresses  a  familiar  situation  — "  To-look-on-owl-eyed- 
while-others-are-getting-gifts."  Have  we  anything  in  Eng 
lish  as  charmingly  tactful  as  this?  No,  our  tongue  is  almost 
as  crude  as  pidj  in-English  itself,  where  piano  is  "  Box-you- 
fight-him-cry." 

But  the  time  has  come  for  a  more  scientific  attempt  to  en 
large  the  language.  The  needs  of  the  hour  are  multifarious 
and  all  unfilled.  There  are  a  thousand  sensations  that  we  can 
describe  only  by  laborious  phrases  or  metaphors,  a  thousand 

xi 


BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


characters  and  circumstances,  familiar  to  all,  which  shriek 
for  description. 

It  has,  of  course,  been  tried  before.  Think  what  a  success 
the  scheme  was  when  it  was  so  long  ago  attempted.  The 
first  Nonsense  Book  containing  really  new  words  was  pub 
lished  in  1846  by  Edward  Lear,  but  he  failed  to  appreciate 
his  opportunity.  Of  all  his  names,  the  "  Jumblies  "  alone 
survive.  Lewis  Carroll  later  went  about  it  more  deliberately. 
His  immortal  poem,  "  Jabberwocky,"  has  become  a  classic ; 
but  even  in  that  masterpiece,  how  many  words  are  adapted 
to  modern  use  ?  "  Slithy  "  perhaps  and  "  Chortle  "-  —  though 
no  one  has  ever  been  able  to  pronounce  it  properly  to  this 
day.  Oh  yes,  "  Galumph,"  I  forgot  that.  Not  even  "  The 
Hunting  of  the  Snark "  has  made  the  title  role  popular 
amongst  bromides.  Why  ?  His  fatal  rule  was,  "  Take  care 
of  the  sounds  and  the  sense  will  take  care  of  itself." 

A  dozen  years  ago  a  little  girl  tried  it  with  fair  success. 
In  her  "  Animal  Land,  where  there  are  no  People,"  however, 
I  can  find  no  word  I  have  ever  heard  used  outside  its  covers, 
no  word  like  "  Hoodlum,"  or  "  Flunk  "  or  "  Primp,"  "  Quiz," 
"Cabal  "  or  "  Fad  "  or  "  Fake." 

The  thing  must  be  done,  and  so  I  did  it.  Slang  is  sporadic ; 
its  invention  is  crude  and  loose.  It  is  a  hit-or-miss  method, 
without  direction  or  philosophy.  Our  task  is  serious;  we 
must  make  one  word  blossom  where  a  dozen  grew  before. 
A  myriad  necessities  urge  us.  I  found  myself  often  con 
fronted  with  an  idea  which  baffled  me  and  forced  me  to  talk 
gibberish.  How,  for  instance,  can  one  describe  the  appear 
ance  of  an  elderly  female  in  plush  dancing  a  too  conscien 
tious  tango?  How  do  you,  gentle  reader,  portray  your  emo 
tion  when,  on  a  stormy  night,  as  you  stand  on  the  corner  the 
trolley-car  whizzes  by  and  fails  to  stop  for  you?.  Where  is 
the  word  that  paints  the  mild,  faint  enjoyment  of  a  family 
dinner  with  your  wife's  relations? 

You  see  how  inarticulate  you  are,  now,  don't  you,  when  a 
social  emergency  arises  ?  —  when  you  want  to  give  swift 
tongue  to  your  emotions?  What  can  you  say  when  you're 

xii 


INTRODUCTION 


jilted?  —  how  mention  the  feeling  of  a  broken  finger-nail  on 
satin  —  your  esthetic  delight  in  green-trading-stamp  furni 
ture  ?  How  do  you  feel  with  a  person  whose  name  you 
cannot  quite  remember?  Why,  we  need  at  least  a  gross  of 
assorted  nouns  this  very  day !  What  is  the  name  of  a  busi 
ness  enterprise  that  was  born  dead?  What  do  you  call  the 
woman  who  telephones  to  you  during  business  hours?  What 
is  a  woman  who  wears  dirty  white  gloves  ?  What  is  a  man 
who  gives  you  advice  "  for  your  own  good  "  ?  Well,  behold 
a  guide  to  help  you;  —  read  "Burgess  Unabridged."  It  is 
the  dictionary  of  the  Futurist  language! 

Yes,  my  modest  "  Unabridged  "  will  "  fill  a  long  felt  want." 
It  will  solidify  the  chinks  of  conversation,  express  the  inex 
pressible,  make  our  English  language  ornamental,  elegant, 
distinguished,  accurate.  Other  dictionaries  have  recorded  the 
words  of  yesterday,  my  lexicon  will  give  the  words  of  to 
morrow.  What  matter  if  none  of  them  is  "  derived  from  two 
Greek  words  "  ?  My  words  will  be  imaginotions,  penandin- 
kumpoops,  whimpusles,  mere  boojums  rather  than  classic 
snarks,  for  I  shall  not  construct  "  Portmanteau  "  words,  like 
Lewis  Carroll.  I  shall  create  them  from  instinctive,  inarticu 
late  emotions,  hot  from  the  depths  of  necessity.  No  "  Ono 
matopoeia,"  either,  for  I  do  not  hold  with  those  who  say  that 
the  origin  of  language  is  in  the  mere  mimicry  of  natural 
sounds.  No,  like  the  intense  poetic  pre-Raphaelite  female, 
who  says  and  feels  that  her  soul  is  violet,  when  I  see  a  hand- 
embroidered  necktie,  I  dive  deep  in  my  inner  consciousness 
and  bring  up,  writhing  in  my  hand,  the  glad  word,  "  Gor- 
gule,"  or  "  Golobrifaction  "  or  "  Diabob." 

For,  as  my  friend,  the  Reverend  Edward  P.  Foster,  A.M., 
of  Marietta,  Ohio,  has  pointed  out,  in  his  great  work  on  Ro, 
the  a  priori  method  is  the  only  rational  principle  upon  which 
to  coin  new  words.  Volapiik,  Esperanto,  Idiom  Neutral, 
Interlingua  and  Ido  all  have  fallen  by  the  wayside  of  this 
"  philosophical "  route.  It  is  as  futile  to  try  to  make  the 
sound  suggest  the  sense.  For,  investigation  will  show  that 
so  many  senses  are  suggested  that  the  word  lacks  definition. 

xiii 


BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Not  only  does  "  stave  "  seem  to  imply  a  barrel,  but  music. 
And,  if  you  take  the  sound  alone,  we  have  such  different  mean 
ings  as  wright,  right,  write  and  rite,  not  to  speak  of  exactly 
opposite  interpretations  in  such  word  as  "  cleave." 

What  Ro,  therefore,  attempts  so  ambitiously,  I  do  in  a 
more  humble  spirit,  contenting  myself  with  the  manufacture 
of  words  to  explain  some  of  the  more  subtle  relationships  and 
exigencies  of  civilized  life.  I  confess  the  work  is,  to  a  great 
extent,  subjective  and  personal.  I  have  but  ministered  to  my 
own  direst  needs. 

So  contriving,  choosing  my  words  from  some  vague  sense 
of  color,  mood,  an  instinctive  feeling  of  appropriateness,  I 
trust  that  I  have  not  made  my  method  monotonous.  I  must 
confess,  however,  that  in  my  experimentation,  certain  sounds 
appealed  more  strongly  than  others  to  my  comic  spirit.  The 
frequent  use  of  the  "  oo  "  will  perhaps  require  an  apology, 
and  the  almost  equally  merry  "  aw."  The  other  "  long " 
vowels,  such  as  "  ee  "  and  "  ay  "  and  "  o  "  seemed  inadequate 
to  my  use.  Of  consonants,  my  "  G  "  is,  no  doubt,  most  fre 
quent.  "  G  "  supplies  spuzz  to  a  word  that  can  hardly  be 
obtained  elsewhere  in  the  alphabet.  "  K "  also  has  a  bite, 
but  it  is  frequently  too  suggestive  for  our  delicate  suscepti 
bilities.  "  L  " —  what  could  one  do  in  such  a  work,  without 
the  gentle  liquid  that  euphonizes  the  most  savage  of  conson 
ants  !  Also  I  confess  having  fallen  in  love  with  the  anapest. 

And  yet,  many  of  these  words  will  not,  at  first  sound,  seem 
appropriate.  Let  me  remind  you  of  Mr.  Oliver  Herford's 
not  too  original  discovery  (most  children  make  it  earlier), 
than  any  word,  when  often  repeated,  becomes  strange  and 
barbaric,  even  as  his  favorite  "  looking-glass  "  after  being 
pronounced  several  times,  grows  marvellously  beautiful  and 
romantic. 

So,  as  a  corollary  to  this  principle,  you  will,  I  hope,  find 
that  even  my  fierce  and  uncouth  syllables  may,  when  iterated, 
grow  less  unusual,  strangely,  familiar,  even;  and,  little  by 
little,  as  their  sharp  corners  and  edges  are  worn  smooth  by 

xiv 


INTRODUCTION 


use,  they  will  fit  into  your  conversation  and  nestle  into 
place,  making  your  talk  firmer,  more  expressive  and  wonder 
fully  adequate  to  your  daily  needs. 

When  vorianders  seek   to  huzzlecoo, 

When  jurpid  splooch  or  vilpous  drillig  bores , 

When  cowcats  kipe,  or  moobles  wog,  or  you 
Machizzled  are  by  yowfs  or  xenogores, 

Remember  Burgess   Unabridged,  and   think, 
How  quisty  is  his  culpid  yod  and  yab! 

No  fidgeltick,  with  goigsome  iobink, 
No  varmic  orobaldity  —  his  gab! 

No  more  tintiddling  slubs,  like  fidgelticks, 
Rizgidgeting  your  speech,  shall  lallify; 
But  your  jujasm,  like  vorgid  gollohix, 
Shall  all  your  woxy  meem  golobrify! 

GELETT  BURGESS. 
New  York,  June  1st,  1914. 


AGO 


BURGESS  ABRIDGED 


EEG 


BURGESS  ABRIDGED: 


100  CHOICE  SELECTIONS 

1.  Agowilt.  Sickening  terror,  unnecessary  fear,  sud 

den  shock. 

2.  Alibosh.  A  glaringly  obvious    falsehood   or   exag 

geration. 

3.  Bimp.  A  disappointment,  a  futile  rage,  a  jilt. 

4.  Bleesh.  An    unpleasant    picture;    vulgar    or    ob 

scene. 

5.  Blurb.  Praise   from   one's    self,   inspired   lauda 

tion. 

6.  Bripkin.  One  who  half  does  things;  second-hand, 

imitation. 

7.  Cowcat.  An    unimportant   guest,    an    insignificant 

personality. 

8.  Critch.  To    array    one's    self    in    uncomfortable 

splendor. 

9.  Gulp.  A  fond  delusion,  an  imaginary  attribute. 

10.  Diabob.  An  object  of  amateur  art,  adorned  with 

out  taste. 

11.  Digmix.  An   unpleasant,    uncomfortable    or    dirty 

occupation. 

12.  Drillig.  A  tiresome   lingerer,   one   who   talks   too 

long. 

13.  Edicle.  One  who  is  educated  beyond  his  intellect, 

a  pedant. 

14.  Eegot.  A  selfishly  interested  friend,  a  lover  of 

success. 
xvii 


ELP 


BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


HYG 


15.  dp.  A  tricky,  sly  or  elusive  person,  a  prom- 

iser. 

16.  Fidgeltick.        Food  that  it  is  a  bore  to  eat;  a  taciturn 

person. 

17.  Flooijab.  An  apparent  compliment  with  a  concealed 

sting. 

18.  Frime.  An    educated    heart,    one    who    does    the 

right  thing. 

19.  Fud.  A  state  of  disorder  or  deshabille,  a  mess. 

20.  Frowk.  A   spicy   topic,   a  half-wrong   act,   a   sly 

suggestion. 

21.  Geefoojet.          An  unnecessary  thing,  an  article  seldom 

used. 

22.  Gixlet.  One  who  has  more  heart  than  brains,  an 

entertainer. 

23.  GloogO.  Foolishly  faithful  without  reward;  loyal, 

fond. 

24.  Goig.  One  whom  one  distrusts  intuitively,  sus 

picious. 

25.  Gollohix.  An  untimely  noise,  a  disturbance,  espe 

cially  at  night. 

26.  Golobrify.          To   adorn   with   unmeaning   and   extrav 

agant  ornament. 

27.  Gorgule.  A    splendiferous,    over-ornate    object    or 

gift. 

28.  Gorm.  A  human  hog;  to  take  more  than  one's 

share. 

29.  Gowyop.  A    perplexity    wherein    familiar    things 

seem  strange. 

30.  Gubble.  Society  talk,  the  hum  of  foolish  conver 

sation. 

31.  HuzzleCQO.         An  intimate  talk,  a  confidential  colloquy. 

32.  HygOg.  An  unsatisfied  desire,  something  out  of 

one's  reach, 
xviii 


HYP 


BURGESS  ABRIDGED 


MOO 


33.  Hyprijimp. 

34.  Igmoil. 

35.  Impkin. 

36.  lobink. 

37.  Jip. 

38.  Jirriwig. 

39.  Jujasm. 

40.  Jullix. 

41.  Jurp. 

42.  Kidloid. 

43.  Kipe. 

44.  Kripsle. 

45.  Lallify. 

46.  Leolump. 

47.  Looblum. 

48.  Machizzle. 

49.  Meem. 

50.  Mooble. 

51.  Moosoo. 


A  man  who  does  woman's  work;  one  alone 
amid  women. 

A  sordid  quarrel  over  money  matters. 

A  superhuman  pet,  a  baby  in  beast  form. 

An  unplaceable  resemblance,  an  inacces 
sible  memory. 

A  faux  pas,  a  dangerous  subject  of  con 
versation. 

A  traveller  who  does  not  see  the  country. 

An  expansion  of  sudden  joy  after  sus 
pense. 

A  mental  affinity,  one  with  similar  tastes 
or  memory. 

An  impudent  servant  or  underling,  a 
saucy  clerk. 

A  precocious  or  self-assertive  child.  En 
fant  terrible. 

To  inspect  appraisingly,  as  women  do 
one  another. 

An  annoying  physical  sensation  or  de 
fect. 

To  prolong  a  story  tiresomely,  or  repeat 
a  joke. 

An  interrupter  of  conversations,  an  ego 
istic  bore. 

Palatable  but  indigestible  food;  flattery. 

To  attempt  unsuccessfully  to  please,  to 
try  to  like. 

An  artificial  half-light  that  women  love; 
gloom. 

A  mildly  amusing  affair,  a  semi-interest 
ing  person. 

Sulky,  out  of  sorts  or  out  of  order;  de 
layed. 

xix 


NIN 


BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


SKY 


52.  Nink. 

53.  Nodge. 

54.  Nulkin. 

55.  Oofle. 

56.  Orobaldity. 

57.  Ovotch. 

58.  Paloodle. 

59.  Pawdle. 

60.  Persotude. 

61.  Pooje. 

62.  Quink. 

63.  Quisty. 

64.  Quoob. 

65.  Rawp. 

66.  Rizgidget. 

67.  Rowtch. 

68.  Skinje. 

69.  Skyscrimble. 


An  "  antique  "  resurrected  for  decorative 

effect. 
The  only  one  of  its  kind,  or  having  no 

mate. 

The  secret  explanation,  the  inside  his 
tory. 

A  person  whose  name  one  cannot  remem 
ber;  to  forget. 

Modern  mysticism,  a  short  cut  to  success. 

A  thing  in  style,  the  current  fad. 

To  give  unnecessary  advice ;  one  who  thus 
bores. 

One  vicariously  famous,  or  with  unde 
served  prominence. 

Social  warmth  or  magnetism,  amount  of 
popular  favor. 

To  embarrass ;  a  regrettable  discovery. 

An  expression  or  mood  of  anxious  ex 
pectancy. 

Useful  and  reliable  without  being  orna 
mental. 

A  person  or  thing  obviously  out  of  place, 
a  misfit. 

A  reliably  unreliable  person,  one  always 
late. 

An  inability  to  make  up  one's  mind,  an 
indecision. 

To  eat  in  extraordinary  fashion,  to  gor 
mandize. 

To  feel  shudderingly,  to  shrink  from  in 
stinctively. 

To  go  off  at  a  tangent,  mentally;  to  es 
cape  logic. 

XX 


SLU 


BURGESS  ABRIDGED 


VOR 


70.  Slub. 

71.  Snosh. 

72.  Spigg. 

73.  Spillix. 

74.  Splooch. 

75.  SpUZZ. 

76.  Squinch. 

77.  Tashivation. 

78.  Thusk. 

79.  Tintiddle. 
so.  Udney. 

81.  Uglet. 

82.  Unk. 

83.  Varm. 

84.  Vilp. 

85.  Voip. 

86.  Verge. 

87.  Voriander. 


A  mild  indisposition  which  does  not  in 
capacitate. 

Vain  talk;  a  project  that  is  born  dead. 

A  decoration  of  overt  vanity;  to  attract 
notice,  paint. 

Accidental  good  luck,  uncharacteristically 
skilful. 

One  who  doesn't  know  his  own  business; 
a  failure. 

Mental  force,  aggressive  intellectuality, 
stamina. 

To  watch  and  wait  anxiously,  hoping  for 
a  lucky  turn. 

The  art  of  answering  without  listening  to 
questions. 

Something  that  has  quickly  passed  from 
one's  life. 

An  imaginary  conversation;  wit  coming 
too  late. 

A  beloved  bore;  one  who  loves  but  does 
not  understand. 

An  unpleasant  duty  too  long  postponed. 

An  unwelcome,  inappropriate  or  dupli 
cate  present. 

The  quintessence  of  sex;  sex  hatred  or 
antipathy. 

An  unsportsmanlike  player,  a  bad  loser,  a 
braggart. 

Food  that  gives  no  pleasure  to  the  palate. 
Voluntary    suffering,    unnecessary    effort 
or  exercise. 

A  woman  who  pursues  men  or  demands 
attentions. 


xxi 


WHI 


BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


ZOB 


88.  Whinkle. 

89.  Wijjicle. 

90.  Wog. 

91.  Wowze. 

92.  WOX. 

93.  Wumgush. 

94.  Xenogore. 

95.  Yab. 

96.  Yamnoy. 

97.  Yod. 

98.  Yowf. 

99.  Zeech. 
100.  Zobzib. 


Hypocritical  graciousness ;  to  glow  with 
vanity. 

A  perverse  household  article,  always  out 
of  order. 

Food  on  the  face;  unconscious  adornment 
of  the  person. 

A  female  fool,  an  unconsciously  ridicu 
lous  woman. 

A  state  of  placid,  satisfied  contentment. 

Women's  insincere  flattery  of  each  other. 

An  interloper  who  keeps  one  from  inter 
esting  things. 

A  monomaniac  or  fanatic,  enthusiasm  over 
one  thing. 

A  bulky,  unmanageable  object  to  be  car 
ried. 

A  ban  or  restriction  on  pleasant  things. 

One  whose  importance  exceeds  his  merit; 
a  rich  fool. 

A  monologuist;  one  who  is  lively,  but  ex 
hausting. 

An  amiable  blunderer,  one  displaying 
misguided  zeal. 


xxn 


BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  AGO 


Ag'O-wilt,  n.  1.  Sickening  terror^  Sudden",,  -ah-, 
necessary  fear.  2.  The  passage  of  the  heart 
past  the  epiglottis,  going  up.  3.  Emotional 
insanity. 

Ag'O-wilt,   v.     To   almost-faint. 

"What's  that  smell?  Is  it  smoke?  —  Is  it?"  You  throw 
open  the  door  and  have  an  agowilt;  the  staircase  is  in  flames. 
But  this  is  the  fierce  and  wild  variety.  Agowilts  tamed  for 
domestic  use,,  are  far  more  common.  The  minute  after  you 
throw  the  burnt  match  into  the  waste-paper  basket,  the 
agowilt  comes. 

It  may  be  but  a  single  extra  step  which  isn't  there  and  the 
agowilt  playfully  paralyzes  your  heart.  So  a  sudden  jerk  of 
the  elevator,  the  startling  stopping  of  the  train,  the  automo 
bile  skidding,  the  roller-coaster  looping  the  loop  —  bring  ago- 
wilts. 

Vicariously  you  suffer  as  well,  when  the  trapeze  perform 
ers  swing  in  dizzying  circles  or  do  the  "  death  dive." 

"  Good  heavens  !  I  left  my  bag  in  the  train !  " —  an  agowilt 
quite  as  painful.  (See  Nidkin.) 

Why  does  your  friend,  reckless  Robert,  pause  on  the  edge 
of  the  cliff?  Merely  to  delight  you  with  an  agowilt. 

When  I  taught  Fanny,  the  flirt,  to  swim,  and  she  found 
herself  in  water  over  her  head,  why  did  she  scream  and  throw 
her  arms  about  my  neck  ?  Was  it  truly  an  agowilt  ?  (See  Farm.) 

'Twas  not  when  Johnnie  got  the  gun 

And  pointed  it  at  Jean; 
Nor  when  he  played,  in  childish  fun 

With  father's  razor  keen  — 

She  did  not  agowilt  until 

Her  little   brother  said: 
"I  just  saw  sister  kissing  Bill!" 

She  agowilted  dead. 

3 


ALI  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Al'i-bosh,  n.  A  glaringly  obvious  falsehood; 
something  not  meant  to  be  actually  believed; 
a  picturesque  overstatement. 

A  circus  poster  is  an  alibosh;  so  is  a  seed  catalogue,  a 
woman's  age  and  an  actress's  salary.  (See  Blurb.) 

There  are  verbal  aliboshes  too  numerous  to  mention:  "  I 
have  had  such  a  charming  time !  "  and  "  No,  I  don't  think 
you're  a  bit  too  fat,  you  are  just  nice  and  plump."  (See  Gub- 
ble  and  Wumgush.) 

The  saleswoman  makes  her  living  on  the  alibosh:  "  Yes,  I 
think  that  hat  is  very  becoming."  She  doesn't  believe  it,  you 
don't  believe  it  —  it's  only  a  part  of  the  game  —  like  the  lies 
of  horse-trading,  the  inspired  notices  of  theatrical  failures  or 
a  prospectus  of  a  gold  mine. 

The  dentist,  -when  he  filled  my  tooth, 

Filled  me  with  alibosh; 
He  said  it  wouldn't  hurt,  forsooth! 

I  knew  he  lied,  b'gosh! 

But  when  he  had  one  filled  himself 

They  took  an  ounce  or  two 
Of  chloroform  from  off  the  shelf. 

No  alibosh  would  do! 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  HIM 


Bimp,   n.     A  disappointment,   a   futile   rage. 
Bimp,  v.     To  cut,  neglect,  or  forsake. 
Bimped,  p.p.    Jilted,  left. 

As  Mrs.  Ezra  P.  McCormick  stood  in  the  middle  of  Myrtle 
Avenue  at  the  corner  of  Grandview  Street  the  trolley  car  came 
hurtling  past,  ten  minutes  behind  time.  Wildly  she  waved 
her  parasol,  but  the  car  would  not,  did  not  stop!  Mrs.  Mc 
Cormick  got  bimped.  Her  bimp  was  the  more  horrible,  be 
cause  the  conductor  turned  and  grinned  at  her,  and  three  men 
on  the  rear  platform  laughed,  for  Mrs.  McCormick  was  very 
fat.  (See  Jurp.) 

Did  you  get  that  raise  in  your  salary  on  New  Year's  day, 
or  did  you  get  bimped?  Were  you  forgotten  on  Christmas? 
Did  you  draw  to  a  flush  and  fail  to  fill?  You  got  bimped. 
Did  you  find  you  had  no  cash  in  your  pocket  when  it  came  time 
to  pay  the  waiter?  Did  that  firm  cancel  its  order?  Bimps. 

What  did  Mrs.  Harris's  servant  girl  do  on  the  very  after 
noon  of  the  dinner  party?  She  bimped  Mrs.  Harris!  She 
packed  her  imitation-leather  suitcase,  grabbed  her  green  um 
brella  and  walked  away. 

The  girl  who  stood  "  Waiting  at  the  church  "  got  the  biggest 
bimp  of  all.  (See  Agowilt.) 

Bimp  not,  that  ye  be  not  bimped!      (See  Machizzle.) 

I  got  a  bimp,  the  other  night, 

It  bimped  me  good  and  hard; 
I  drew  to  fill  a  flush,  and  got 

A  different  colored  card. 

But  still,  I  bluffed  it  out  and  won; 

A  well-filled  pot  I  crimped  — 
And  three  good  hands  of  treys  and  pairs. 

And  one  full  house,  got  bimped! 


BLE  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Bleesh,  n.  1.  An  unpleasant  picture;  vulgar 
or  obscene  art.  2.  An  offensive  comic-supple 
ment  form  of  humor. 

Bleesh,  a.     Revolting,  disgusting,  coarse. 

Comic  valentines  are  very  bleesh;  the  newspaper  "comic 
strip  "  with  the  impossible,  adventure  ending  in  catastrophic 
brutality;  stars,  exclamation  points  and  "Wows!"  Espe 
cially  a  bull-dog,  biting  the  seat  of  a  man's  trousers  and  re 
volving  like  a  pinwheel  —  this  is  a  bleesh.  (See  Frowk.) 

Crayon  enlargements  of  photographs  of  your  uncle  in  his 
Odd  Fellows'  uniform  are  bleesh  —  Kodak  snap-shots  and 
flashlights  of  banquet  groups. 

Your  practical-joking  friend  sends  you  bleesh  foreign  post 
cards  from  abroad;  and  your  chauffeur  revels  in  bleesh  pic 
tures  of  crime,  with  an  X  showing  "  where  the  body  was 
found." 

To  the  Philistine  of  the  Middle  West,  the  nude  in  art  is 
bleesh.  To  the  eye-glassed  school-ma'am  of  Brooklyn,  the 
paintings  of  Cubists  and  Futurists  are  bleesher  still.  (See 
Ovotch.) 

I  gazed  upon  a  bleesh,  and  saw 

'Twas  stupid,  crude  and  coarse; 
Its  wit  was  dull,  its  art  was  rawt 

It  had  nor  wit  nor  force. 

And  then  my  niece,  a  virgin  pure, 

But  used  to  clever  folk, 
Laughed  at  that  bleesh  till  I  was  sure 

I'd  somehow  missed  the  joke. 


6 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  BLU 


Blurb,  n.  1.  A  flamboyant  advertisement;  an 
inspired  testimonial.  2.  Fulsome  praise;  a 
sound  like  a  publisher. 

Blurb,  v.  1.  To  flatter  from  interested  mo 
tives;  to  compliment  oneself. 

On  the  "  j  acket  "  of  the  "  latest  "  fiction,  we  find  the  blurb ; 
abounding  in  agile  adjectives  and  adverbs,  attesting  that  this 
book  is  the  "sensation  of  the  year;"  the  blurb  tells  of 
"  thrills  "  and  "  heart-throbs,"  of  "  vital  importance  "  and 
"  soul  satisfying  revelation."  The  blurb  speaks  of  the  novel's 
"  grip  "  and  "  excitement."  (See  Alibosh.) 

The  circus  advertiser  started  the  blurb,  but  the  book  pub 
lisher  discovered  a  more  poignant  charm  than  alliterative 
polysyllables.  "  It  holds  you  from  the  first  page  — " 

Now,  you  take  this  "  Burgess  Unabridged  " —  it's  got  a 
jump  and  a  go  to  it  —  it's  got  a  hang  and  a  dash  and  a  swing 
to  it  that  pulls  you  right  out  of  the  chair,  dazzles  your  eyes, 
and  sets  your  hair  to  curling.  It's  an  epoch-making,  heart- 
tickling,  gorglorious  tome  of  joy! 

So,  were  not  my  publishers  old-fashioned,  would  this  my 
book  be  blurbed. 

//  "  Burgess  Unabridged/'  I  say, 

"Fulfils  a  long-felt  want/' 
Don't  mind  my  praise,  nor  yet  the  way 

In  which  I  voice  my  vaunt. 

Don't  let  my  adjectives  astute 

Your  peace  of  mind  disturb; 
It's  "  bold/'  it's  "  clever  "  and  it's  "  cute," 

And  so  is  this  my  blurb! 


BRI  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Brip'kin,  n.  1.  One  who  half  does  things;  not 
a  thoroughbred.  2.  A  suburbanite,,  com 
muter. 

Brip'kin,  a.  Off  color;  second-rate;  shabby- 
genteel,  a  little  out  of  style. 

The  bripkin  invites  a  girl  to  the  theatre,  but  he  takes  her  in 
a  street-car  —  on  a  rainy  night,  too!  The  bripkin  tips  the 
waiter  less  than  ten  per  cent,  of  his  bill.  He  carries  a  cane, 
but  does  not  wear  gloves.  He  frequents  the  manicure,  and 
wears  near-silk  shirts,  with  frayed  cuffs.  His  hat  is  "  the 
latest  "  but  his  coat  sleeves  are  shiny. 

The  female  bripkin  has  a  button  off  her  shoe;  she  wears 
white  gloves,  but  they  are  badly  soiled.  She  wears  a  three- 
quarter-length  grey  squirrel  coat. 

American  cha*mpagne  is  bripkin  —  Key- West  cigars  and 
domestic  beer,  and  imitation  coffee.  (See  Foip.) 

A  bripkin  umbrella  is  made  of  gloria. 

The  second-rate  suburb  of  a  great  city  is  a  bripkin,  and  so 
is  he  who  dwells  therein.  He  wears  a  watch-chain  strung 
across  his  vest.  (See  Mooble.) 

Bripkins  are  the  marked-down  gowns  and  suits,  at  the  tail 
end  of  the  season;  and  the  green  hat,  "  reduced  from  $18.75." 

A  Bripkin  sat  in  a  trolley  car, 

And  his  eyes  were  bright  and  tiny; 

His  collars  and  cuffs  were  slightly  soiled. 
But  his  finger  nails  were  shiny. 

'A  girl  came  in  with  run-over  heels, 
And  the  Bripkin  up  and  kissed  her! 

But  I  knew,  by  her  mangy  ermine  muff, 
That  she  was  his  Bripkin  sister. 


BRIPKIN 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  COW 


Cow'cat,  n.  1.  A  person  whose  main  func 
tion  is  to  occupy  space.  An  insignificant, 
or  negligible  personality.  2.  A  guest  who 
contributes  nothing  to  the  success  of  an  af 
fair;  one  invited  to  fill  up,  or  from  a  sense  of 
duty.  3.  An  innocent  bystander. 

The  cowcat  will  not  talk,  but  oh,  how  he  listens !  How  he 
watches !  How  he  criticises !  But  why  speak  of  the  cow- 
cat  as  "he"?  They  usually  have  large,  black  satin,  placid 
abdomens,  or  else  they  are  thin  and  nervous,  with  acid  eyes. 
(See  Yowf.) 

How  describe  a  cowcat?  There's  nothing  about  it  to  de 
scribe.  It's  a  jelly-fish  —  a  heavy  jelly-fish,  however.  It 
sits  upon  your  stomach,  like  a  nightmare. 

Cowcats  fill  hotel  chairs,  and  the  rockers  of  summer  veran 
dahs,  knitting  gossip.  (See  Mooble.) 

Your  wife's  relatives? 

The  cowcats  in  the  corners  sat, 

And  brooded  'gainst  the  wall, 
And  some  were  thin  and  some  were  fat, 

But  none  would  talk  at  all. 

The  atmosphere  grew  thick  and  cold  — 

It  had  begun  to  jell. 
When  I,  with  desperation  bold, 

Arose,  and  gave  a  yell! 


11 


CRI  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Glitch,  v.  1.  To  array  oneself  in  uncomfort 
able  splendor. 

Critch'et-y,  a.  1.  Conspicuous  and  stiff; 
garbed  elaborately,  especially  on  a  hot  day. 
2.  Painfully  aware  of  one's  costume. 

Oh,  that  stiff  collar!  That  binding  corset!  Those  burn 
ing  feet  in  the  tight  shoes !  Yes,  you  are  critched,  but  at 
the  same  time  you  have  the  moral  support  of  being  becomingly 
and  fashionably  clad.  A  critch  is  half  pride  and  half  mad 
ness —  it's  the  martyrdom  of  fashion.  (See  Forge.) 

The  unaccustomed  exquisite  in  his  hard  boiled  shirt,  stiff 
cuffs  and  high  collar  stands  critchety,  but  willing  to  endure 
the  agonies  of  the  aristocracy. 

You  may  be  too  cool  in  decollete,  or  too  warm  in  your  furs, 
but  vanity  vanquishes  the  critch. 

You  are  critched  when  you  have  a  picture  taken,  but  that 
radiant  smile  survives.  At  private  theatricals  all  the  actors 
are  critched  with  tights  and  swords  and  furbelows  —  trying 
to  appear  at  ease.  (See  Wowze.) 

The  banker  is  critched  with  his  silk  hat  in  a  high  wind ;  and 
the  dowager,  as  she  carefully  arranges  her  skirts  when  .she  is 
seated.  But  to  be  properly  critched,  you  must  be  a  Japanese 
countess,  putting  on  stays  for  the  first  time  in  your  artless, 
lavender  life. 

A  sovereign's  lot  is  sad  and  strange^ 
For  kings  and  queens,  they  say, 

Are  all  uneasy ;  they  must  change 
Their  clothes  ten  times  a  day! 

Ah,  robes  and  uniforms  and  crowns 

Are  glorious  things,  I  know, 
And  queens  do  wear  expensive  gowns  — 

They  must  be  critchety,  though! 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY CUL 

Gulp,  ra.  1.  A  fond  delusion;  an  imaginary  at 
tribute.  2.  What  one  would  like  to  be,  or 
thinks  oneself. 

CuFpid,  a.  1.  Visionary,  non-existent.  2.  Not 
proved ;  autohypnotized. 

Many  women  have  the  culp  that  they  are  beautiful,  men 
that  they  are  irresistible,  shrewd,  or  interesting. 

A  culpid  actor  is  one  who  thinks  he  can  act,  but  can't.  His 
culp  is  that  he  is  making  a  hit.  (See  Splooch.) 

The  mother  has  the  baby  culp ;  but  the  infant  to  other  eyes 
is  not  so  wonderful. 

The  woman  with  the  culpid  taste  thinks  that  no  other 
woman  knows  how  to  dress.  (See  Wumgush.) 

The  autnor  who  has  had  three  letters  requesting  his  auto 
graph,  has  the  culp  that  he  is  popular. 

That  young  man  who  stays  till  11.45  P.M.  has  a  culp  that 
he  has  fascinated  yawning  Ysobel. 

She  had  a  culp  that  she  was  fair, 

In  fact,  that  she  was  pretty; 
Alas,  she  bought  her  beauty  where 

They  sold  it,  in  the  city. 

And  now  her  culp  is:     Looks  will  lie; 

And  her  delight  is  huge  — 
She  thinks  that  none  suspects  the  dye, 

The  powder  and  the  rouge! 


DIA  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Di'a-bob,  n.  1.  An  object  of  amateur  art;  any 
thing  improbably  decorated;  hand-painted. 
2.  Any  decoration  or  article  of  furniture 
manufactured  between  1870  and  1890. 

Di-a-bob'i-cal,  a.  Ugly,  while  pretending  to 
be  beautiful. 

Who  invented  the  diabob?  The  infamy  is  attributed  to 
John  Ruskin.  At  any  rate,  humble  things  began  to  lose  the 
dignity  of  the  commonplace;  the  rolling-pin  became  exotic  in 
the  parlor.  The  embroidery  blossomed  in  hectic  tidies, 
splashes  and  drapes.  Hand-painting  was  discovered. 

So,  from  the  Spencerian  skylark  to  the  perforated  "  God 
Bless  Our  Home."  Now  the  jigsaw  was  master;  now,  the 
incandescent  point  that  tortured  wood  and  leather  into  night 
mare  designs.  Plaques  began  their  vogue.  (See  Gefoojet.) 

Diabobical  was  the  hammered  brasswork;  diabobical  the 
sofa  cushion  limned  with  Gibson  heads.  The  decorative  fan, 
genteel;  the  pampas  grass,  dyed  bright  purple;  the  macrame 
bags  and  the  seaweed  pictures  passed;  came  the  embossed 
pictures  stuck  on  bean-pots  and  molasses  jugs;  came  the 
esthetic  cat-tail  and  piano-lamp,  "  A  Yard  of  Daisies,"  and 
burnt  match  receivers  and  catch-alls,  ornamented  by  the  fam 
ily  genius. 

Ah,     Where  are  the  moustache  cups  of  yesteryear? 

This  object  made  of  celluloid, 
This  thing  so  wildly  plushed, — 

How  grossly  Art  has  been  annoyed! 
How  Common  Sense  has  blushed! 

And  yet,  these  diabobs,  perhaps 

Are   scarcely   more   outre 
Than  pictures  made  by  Cubist  chaps, 

Or  Futurists,  today! 


DIABOB 

See  also  GEFOOJET,  GOLOBRIFY  and  GORGULE 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  DIG 


Dig'mlx,  n.  1.  An  unpleasant,  uncomfortable, 
or  dirty  occupation.  2.  A  disagreeable  or  un 
welcome  duty. 

Dig'mix,  v.  To  engage  in  a  necessary  but  pain 
ful  task. 

The  type  of  the  digmix  is  cleaning  fish.  At  first  it  is  dis 
gusting,  untidy,  uncomfortable.  Then,  you  begin  to  enjoy  it, 
rather;  and  finally,  as  the  clean,  finished  product  of  your  skill 
appears,  there  is  the  refreshing  sense  of  duty  well  done. 
(See  Gloogo.) 

So  with  all  household  digmixes,  stuffing  feathers  into  pil 
lows,  peeling  onions,  taking  up  carpets,  putting  up  stove 
pipes,  beating  rugs,  attending  to  the  furnace  and  washing 
dishes.  You  loathe  the  work,  but,  when  it  is  finished,  you're 
so  glad  you  did  it. 

The  mental  digmix  is  less  satisfactory,  but  just  as  necessary. 
Discharging  the  cook  is  a  digmix.  Breaking  the  news  of  a 
death,  refusing  a  man  who  has  proposed,  explaining  just  why 
you  came  home  at  2  A.  M.,  accompanying  a  child  to  a  dentist's, 
getting  a  divorce,  waiting  011  a  querulous  invalid,  having  a 
lawsuit  with  a  neighbor, —  all  are  digmixes.  (See  Moosoo.) 

Why,  to  some,  the  mere  eating  of  an  orange  or  a  grape  fruit 
is  a  digmix!  They  feel  as  il  they  OiUght  to  take  a  bath  and 
then  go  straight  to  bed. 

But  why  enlarge  upon  a  painful  subject?  After  all,  life 
is  just  one  digmix  after  another. 

Poor  Jones  was  in  a  digmix  —  he 
Had  blown   his   right  front   tire; 

He  worked  from  half  past  one  till  three; 
Oh,  how  he  did  perspire! 

But  that  was  not  what  crazed  his  mind; 

A  digmix  worse  than  that 
Confronted  him  —  he  had  to  find 

That  day  a  good,  cheap  fla.t! 
17 


DRI  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Dril'lig,  n.     A  tiresome  lingerer ;  a  button-holer. 
Dril'li-ga-tor,  n.     Same  as  drillig. 
Dril'li-gate,  v.      1.  To  detain  a  person  when  he 

wants  to  go  to  work  or  get  away.      2.  To  talk 

unceasingly  at  an  inconvenient  time. 

He  rings  you  up  on  the  telephone,  or  she  rings  you  up,  and 
drilligates  you  by  the  hour,  if  you  are  too  kind-hearted  to  hang 
up  the  receiver.  Of  course  she  has  nothing  important  to  say; 
you  know  she  is  leaning  back  in  her  chair,  smiling,  and  eating 
chocolates.  (See  Lallify.) 

The  drillig  calls  in  the  rush  hours  of  business,  sits  down, 
crosses  his  legs,  and  nothing  moves  except  his  mouth.  He  is 
never  busy  and  never  hurried.  He  catches  you  on  the  street 
corner,  holds  you  by  the  button  or  lapel,  in  the  middle  of  a 
cursing  stream  of  pedestrians,  and  tells  you  a  lotig,  dull  story. 
"  Just  a  minute,  now,  I  just  want  to  tell  you  about — "  The 
Ancient  Mariner  was  a  drillig.  (See  Xenogore.) 

The  public  speaker  at  the  banquet  rises  with  a  bland  smile 
and  looks  at  his  watch.  ''  The  hour  is  so  late,"  he  says,  "  and 
there  are  so  many  more  interesting  speakers  to  be  heard  from, 
that  I  shall  detain  you  with  only  a  few  words  —  "  and  he 
drilligs  o«i  for  an  hour  and  six  minutes  by  the  clock. 

The  drillig  catches  you  in  a  corner  at  the  club  and  tells  you 
the  story  of  his  play;  the  young  mother  nails  you  to  the  sofa 
with  her  smile,  and  drilligs  you  about  Baby. 

The  book  agent,  anchored  in  the  front  door  at  meal  times,  is 
the  master  drilligator  of  them  all.  (See  Persotude.) 

I  was  rushing  for  the  station, 

Had  to  catch  the  5.11, 
When  he  caught  me,  seized  a  button, 

And  began  to  talk  —  Oh,  Heaven! 

For  the  Drillig  was  a  golfer, 

And  I  knew  he'd  talk  his  fill; 
So  I  cut  that  button  off  my  coat  — 

He  is  talking  to  it  still! 
18 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  EDI 


Ed'i-de,  n.  1.  One  who  is  educated  beyond  his 
intellect;  a  pedant.  2.  One  who  is  proficient 
in  theory,  but  poor  in  practice. 

In  old  times,  they  spoke  of  "  Book  learning  "  and  worshiped 
the  edicled  fool.  But  we  are  wiser  today  and  know  the  hol- 
lowness  of  the  edicle. 

The  edicle  is  the  college  professor  who  has  listened  to  his 
own  talk  so  long  that  he  has  mistaken  knowledge  for  wisdom. 
The  book-worm  who  has  learned  to  believe  that  literature  is 
greater  than  life.  (See  Snosh.) 

A  woman  is  an  edicle,  who  prates  "  new  thought "  and 
juggles  the  trite  phrases  of  a  philosophy  too  heavy  for  her 
comprehension.  (See  Orobaldity.}  A  man  is  an  edicle  when 
he  quotes  Browning  or  Karl  Marx  or  Herbert  Spencer.  Most 
clergymen  are  edicles,  and  persons  who  rave  over  pictures 
they  don't  understand. 

The  book  reviewer  who  can't  write  a  book  himself,  is  an 
edicle.  The  dramatic  critic  is  an  edicle,  for  he  has  failed  as 
a  playwright.  (See  Yowf.} 

The  college  girl  who  can't  cook  is  an  edicle;  the  young 
medico,  newly  graduated,  with  an  "  M.D."  painted  on  him 
still  fresh,  and  wet  and  green, —  a  mere  mass  of  quivering 
Latin  words.  All  editors  are  edicles. 

Josephus  is  an  edicle, 

A    Doctor    wise    is    he; 
Oh,  no!  —  not  doctor  medical  — 

Only  a  Ph.  D. 

His   brain  is  like  a  phonograph's, 

And  he  would  starve,  unless 
He'd  started  writing  monographs 

On  "  How  to  BE  Success/' 


19 


EEG  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 

Ee'got,  n.  1.  A  fair-weather  friend;  one  who 
is  over-friendly  with  a  winner.  A  success- 
worshiper. 

Ee'goid,  a.      1.  Self-interested,  mercenary. 

The  eegot  slaps  the  favorite  sprinter  on  the  back  and  cheers 
him  on,  but  switches  interest  when  he  fails  to  finish.  The 
eegot  takes  the  popular  side  of  every  subject,  curries  favor 
with  the  rich  and  prosperous,  and  is  attentive  to  the  belle  of 
the  ball. 

Four  feet  away  from  the  popular  hero,  and  you  will  find 
the  eegots  clustered  close.  (See  Elp.) 

Th»  eegot  votes  for  the  one  whom  he  thinks  will  win  —  he 
believes  that  the  rich  can  do  no  wrong. 

The  eegot  always  wears  "  the  latest,"  and  reads  only  "  the 
best  sellers."  (See  Ovotch.) 

He  suddenly  discovers  his  poor  country  cousin, —  after 
she  has  married  the  Lieutenant-Governor. 

Molasses  draws  flies  —  prosperity  breeds  the  egoid  parasite. 

When  you  are  rich  and  great  and  grand, 

The  eegot  needs  you  badly; 
He  wags  his  tail,  he  licks  your  hand, 

He  lets  you  kick  him  gladly. 

But  when  your  fortune's  gone,  and  fame, 

Where  is  the  eegot  then? 
Oh,  he  is  capering  just  the  same  — 

But  now  for  other  men! 


20 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  ELP 


Elp,  n.  1.  A  tricky,  sly  or  subtle  person;  one 
who  evades  his  responsibilities.  2.  An  ingen 
ious  ruse;  sharp  practice. 

Erpine,  a.  Disappointing;  plausibly  apolo 
getic. 

The  elp  is  a  clever  promiser,  who  doesn't  make  good.  You 
never  can  pin  him  down., —  he  always  escapes  you.  He  won't 
do  what  he  has  promised,  or  pay  his  debts;  but  his  explana 
tions  are  always  all-but-convincing. 

The  tradesman  is  an  elp,  who  promises  to  deliver  those 
provisions  in  time  for  dinner,  and  always  has  a  good  excuse. 
The  ladies'  tailor  is  an  elp  —  the  suit  is  never  done  on  time. 
(See  Goig.) 

At  the  employment  agency,  the  elps  abound.  They  are 
always  "  sure  to  come  "  on  Thursday.  Friday  and  Saturday 
pass  by. 

The  elp  never  quite  knows,  but  would  never  confess  his 
ignorance.  It  is  impossible  to  get  him  to  say  either  "  Yes  " 
or  "  No." 

Most  infamous  among  the  elps  is  the  philandering  suitor, 
who  is  attentive  to  you  for  years  and  years,  keeping  serious 
men  away,  and  yet  who  will  not  propose.  (See  Xenogore.) 

He  promised  he  would  pay  in  June  — 
Then  August  —  then  September; 

And  then  he  sang  the  same  old  tune: 
He  promised  for  December. 

His  sister  died  —  his  wife  fell  ill  — 

His  brother  needed  help; 
And  I  believed  his  tales,  until 

I  saw  he  was  an  elp. 


21 


FID  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Fid'gel-tick,  n.  Food  that  it  is  a  bore  to  eat; 
anything  requiring  painstaking  and  ill-re 
quited  effort.  2.  A  taciturn  person,  one  from 
whom  it  is  hard  to  get  information. 

^  The  fidgeltick  tastes  good,  but  is  it  really  worth  while? 
Come  now, —  doesn't  salad  really  bore  you  —  unless  it  is 
served,  as  in  California,  at  the  beginning  of  a  meal,  while 
you  are  still  hungry?  Broiled  live  lobster!  How  succulent, 
yet  how  meagre  its  reward  to  the  appetite!  Frogs'  legs  are 
fidgelticks,  and  shad  and  grape  fruit  and  pistachios.  Why 
can't  such  tasteful  delicacies  be  built  with  the  satisfactory 
architecture  of  the  banana?  The  artichoke  gives  perhaps  the 
minimum  of  reward  with  the  maximum  of  effect.  (See  Voip.} 

And  who  does  not  flinch  at  a  Bent's  water  cracker? 

To  make  cranberry  sauce  with  the  skins  in,  and'  cherry 
pie  with  the  stones,  should  be  against  the  law. 

So  it  is,  to  extract  information  from  a  railroad  official  after 
an  accident.  Interviewing  the  master  of  a  steamer  is  like 
getting  the  meat  out  of  a  butternut,  or  the  flesh  out  of  a 
shrimp.  Sooner  or  later,  you  will  give  him  up  in  discourage 
ment.  He's  a  fidgeltick!  (See  Jurp.} 

Politely  you  inquire  of  a  ticket  seller  at  the  theatre;  you 
might  as  well  talk  with  a  foreigner,  or  a  deaf  man.  All,  all 
are  fidgelticks ! 

I  wish  that  I  could  eat  as  fast 

As  actors,  on  the  stage; 
Five  minutes  does  a  dinner  last  — 

No  fidgelticks  enrage. 

If  they  should  dine  on  soft  boiled  eggs 

In  some  new  problem  play, 
Or  lobsters  broiled,  or  frogs'  hind  legs  — 

What  would  the  actors  say? 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  FLO 


Floo'i-jab,  n.  1.  A  cutting  remark,  disguised 
in  sv/eetness.  2.  A  ladylike  trouble-maker. 

Floo'i-jab,  v.  To  make  a  sarcastic  comment  in 
a  feminine  manner. 

Floo-i-jab'ber-y,  n.     Feline  amenity. 

For  the  flooijab  of  commerce,  see  the  typical  Ethel-Clara 
dialogues  in  the  comic  papers;  and  yet,  one  cannot  describe 
the  tone  —  the  sugared  smile  that  gives  the  shot  its  sting. 
(See  Varm.) 

Anent  women's  looks,  the  flooijabs  fly  fastest. 

"  Oh,  yes,  Helen  used  to  be  a  very  beautiful  girl !  " 

"  We're  not  so  young  as  we  used  to  be,  but  you  do  look 
awfully  pretty,  today." 

"  No, —  I  don't  think  you  look  a  day  older, —  except  when 
you  are  tired." 

"I'm  so  delighted  that  you  are  engaged  to  Harry!  How 
did  you  do  it  — '  holding  the  thought '  ?  " 

"  They  do  say  she's  awfully  fast  —  but  I  never  noticed  any 
thing  —  I  think  she's  sweet.  Too  bad  she's  talked  about 
so!" 

"  I  think  you  gave  an  awfully  good  performance  —  of  course, 
you  weren't  a  Bernhardt,  but  then  .  .  ."  (See  Wumgush.} 

"  I'm  so  sorry  you  didn't  make  good;  it's  a  shame!  I  think 
you  did  awfully  well,  really !  " 

"  I  thought  your  little  story  was  so  good.  I  suppose  in 
fluence  with  the  editors  counts  a  lot, —  doesn't  it?  " 

You  think  they  talk  of  men  and  mice, 

Of  operas,  and  cabs; 
Ah  no!     Beneath  those  phrases  nice, 

They're   shooting  flooijabs. 

No    man   can   know  —  but    women    may 

Interpret  women's  smiles  — 
It's  what  they  mean  —  not  what  they  say, 

That  stings  in  women's  wiles, 
23 


FRI  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 

Prime,  n.  1.  An  educated  heart.  2.  One  who 
always  does  the  right  thing  at  the  right  time; 
a  person  who  can  be  depended  upon  in  time 
of  need. 

The  mind  is  cultivated  until  it  is  hypercivilized,  but  where 
is  the  educated  heart?  The  frime,  like  the  fool,  is  born,  not 
made ;  no  one  has  told  him  when  to  speak  and  when  to  remain 
silent,  or  when  to  laugh  and  when  to  cry.  (See  Zobzib.) 

The  frime  knows  when  you  are  hungry,  when  you  are 
thirsty  and  when  you  would  be  let  alone.  He  speaks  a  per 
son's  name  so  clearly  when  he  introduces  you  that  you  can 
actually  understand. 

The  frime  knows  when  to  come  and  when  to  go;  he  makes 
the  lion  as  comfortable  as  the  humblest  guest.  He  sends  you 
fruit  instead  of  flowers.  The  frime  knows  the  etiquette  of 
life  and  love  and  death;  he  likes  you  in  spite  of  your  faults. 
As  a  lover,  he  never  makes  you  or  himself  ridiculous.  As  a 
consoler,  he  is  never  guilty  of  that  most  ironic  bromide:  "If 
there  is  anything  I  can  do,  let  me  know."  (See  Spuzz.} 

When  I  was  down  and  out,  one  time  — 

Believe   me,  'twasn't  funny!  — 
/  chanced  upon  a  thorough  frime; 

Unasked,  he  lent  me  money. 

When  I  was  rich,  and  he  was  poor 

I  lent  to  help  his  need; 
And  did  he  pay  it  back?,      Why,  sure! 

There  was  a  frime,  indeed! 


24, 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  FUD 


Fud,  n.      1.  In  a  state  of  deshabille,  or  confu 
sion.     2.  A  mess,  or  half-done  job. 
Fud'dy,  a.     Disordered,  untidy,  unkempt. 

What  is  a  fud?  A  woman  in  curl  papers  and  her  oldest 
kimona.  A  man  in  his  shirt-sleeves  with  his  suspenders  hang 
ing  from  two  buttons,  down  behind.  It  is  a  half  built  house; 
half  cooked  potatoes  on  the  back  of  the  stove.  Anyone  in 
stocking  feet.  (See  Frowk.) 

No  one  can  help  being  fuddy,  at  times,  so  long  as  there  is 
house-cleaning  and  moving  to  be  done;  but  some  fuds  are 
fuddier  than  others.  A  house  that  is  being  reshingled,  for 
instance,  is  far  less  fuddy  than  an  actress  washing  grease 
paint  off  her  face,  or  stumbling  in  a  peignoir  through  a  Pull 
man  car,  her  hair  tousled,  to  reach  the  dressing-room.  (See 
Spigg.)  ^ 

Ellen's  top  bureau  drawer  is  fuddy,  after  she  has  tried  to 
find  "  that  veil."  The  parlor  and  library  are  fuddy  after 
the  reception. 

It's  an  unpleasant  subject.  Let  us  end  it,  with  the  men 
tion  of  half-dried  wash  and  unwashed  dishes  in  the  kitchen 
sink.  (See  Uglet.) 

I  call  you  fuddy  —  how  severe 

My  accents  disapproving! 
And  yet,  you  cannot  help  it,  dear, 

Alas,  for  we  are  moving! 

The  house  is  fuddy  —  so  am  I, 

And  so  is  everybody! 
The  moving  van  is  late,  so  why 

Should  we  not  all  be  fuddy? 


25 


FRO  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Frowk,  n.  1.  A  spicy  topic.  2.  An  action  con 
sidered  to  be  about  half  wrong. 

Frow'CQUS,  a.  Nice,,  but  naughty,  or  consid 
ered  so;  piquantly  provocative;  risque,  per 
taining  to  sex. 

How  frowcous  is  the  limerick,  in  its  most  perfect  form ! 
That  frowk  which  it  is  just  barely  possible  to  recite  at  a 
dinner  party: —  "  There  was  a  young  lady  so  thin,  that  she 
slightly  resembled  a  pin;  don't  think  that  I'd  creep  to  her 
window  and  peep  —  I  was  told  by  a  friend,  who  looked  in." 

'Tis  a  frowcous  epoch  —  eugenics,  white  slavery,  and  the 
"  dangerous  age  "  are  now  the  vogue,  and  a  play  that's  not 
a  frowk  can  scarcely  make  a  hit  on  Broadway.  (See  Ovotcli.} 

In  the  era  of  "  sensibility  " —  when  ladies  had  the  vapors, 
the  sight  of  a  man  shaving  himself  was  frowcous.  Now,  we 
subscribe  for  the  foreign  illustrated  comic  papers,  and  speak 
boldly  concerning  "  Damaged  Goods."  (See  Blecsh.^) 

Once  a  turkey  trot  was  frowcous ;  bare  feet  and  cocktails  — 
but  little  is  frowcous  now.     There  are  so  many  "  things  that 
a  young  girl  ought  to  know !  " 

A  frowcous  tale  one  day  I  told 

To  Revered  Eli  Meek. 
His  laughter  he  could  scarcely  hold  — 

It  lasted  for  a  week. 

He  couldn't  stop  his  wild  guffaws; 

To   calm   his   merry   gale 
He  had  to  leave  the  church,  because 

He  had  to  tell  the  tale.' 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  GEF 


Ge-fooj'et,  n.  1.  An  unnecessary  thing;  an 
article  seldom  used.  2.  A  tool;  something 
one  ought  to  throw  away,,  and  doesn't.  3.  The 
god  of  unnecessary  things. 

Ge-fooj'et-y,  a.  1.  Superfluous.  2.  Pertaining 
to  an  old  garret. 

"  Oh,  no,  I  don't  want  to  throw  that  away  yet;  I'll  give  it 
away  to  somebody,  some  time,"  or  "  We  may  need  it."  This  is 
the  doctrine  of  Gefoojet,  which,  preached  and  practiced  in 
New  England,  has  outlived  the  dogma  of  infant  damnation. 
A  thousand  housewife  martyrs  have  suffered  years  of  perse 
cution,  testifying  to  the  sublime  nonsense.  (See  Quisty.) 

In  my  grandmother's  wood-house  closet,  were  ten  thousand 
pieces  of  folded  brown  paper,  and  one  hundred  miles  of  string, 
salvaged  from  by-gone  packages  in  sacrifice  to  Gefoojet. 

Old  letters,  half  used  scrap-books,  bottles,  boxes  and  frag 
ments  of  hardware  accumulate  unceasingly. 

What  is  a  Gefoojet?  It's  something  you  haven't  used  for 
two  years,  an  old  magazine  or  your  wedding  dress. 

This  is  what  cupboards  and  closets,  top  shelves,  what 
nots  and  garrets  were  invented  for. — Gefoojets. 

Have    you    a    camera?     Go    forth    and    garner    gefoojets. 

"  That  thing "  you  keep  because  it  was  given  by  a  dear 
friend  —  beware  of  it — 'tis  a  gefoojet.  (See  Thusk.) 

Seven  years  I  kept  her  letters  —  how 
Some  time,  I  hoped  to  read  them! 

Alas,  they  are  gefoojets,  now! 
I  know  I'll  never  need  them. 

But  still  gefoojetry  survives, 

And  makes  us  slaves  to  Things; 

Each  day  Gefoojet,  all  our  lives, 
Some  useless  present  brings! 


27 


GIX  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Gix'let,  n.  1.  One  who  has  more  heart  than 
brains.  2.  An  inveterate  host;  an  irresistible 
entertainer. 

Gix'let-y,  a.  Brutal  kindness;  misguided  hos 
pitality;  an  overdose  of  welcome. 

"  Have  some  more  of  this  —  please  do  —  I  insist  —  I  made 
it  myself!"  So  says  the  gixlet,  as  she  passes  the  piccalilli. 
(See  Forge.) 

The  gixlet  insists  upon  paying  your  fare  everywhere,  he 
begs  your  pardon,  when  you  step  on  his  foot.  He  introduces 
you  to  everybody  he  meets.  In  public,  he  praises  you  with 
excruciating  conspicuousness.  At  home,  he  insists  upon  your 
going  to  church,  or  showing  you  over  his  new  house. 

He  says,  "  Why  haven't  you  been  before  ?  "  (See  Wum- 
gush.) 

He  takes  you  on  long  walks  when  you  visit  him  in  the 
country,  and  want  just  to  sit  on  the  verandah  and  loaf. 

The  gixlet  in  the  club  orders  drinks  when  you  don't  want 
them,  and  insists  upon  your  drinking  them,  because  he  does. 
The  gixlet,  in  short,  is  the  joyous,  friendly  dog,  that  leaps 
with  muddy  paws  upon  your  clean,  white  trousers. 

The  Gixlets  entertained  me  till 

I  thought  I'd  die  the  death; 
His  wife  and  he  could  not  keep  still, 

Though  I  was  out  of  breath. 

They  showed  me  things,  they  made  me  gorge, 
Then  walked  me  round  the  farm; 

That  night,  I  killed  them  both,  by  George! 
Tell  me,  where  was  the  harm? 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  GLO 


Gloo'gO,  n.  1.  A  devoted  adherent  of  a  person, 
place  or  thing.  2.  A  married  person  in  love 
with  his  or  her  spouse  after  the  first  year. 
3.  Anything  that  can  be  depended  upon. 

Gloo'gO,  a.  Loyal,  constant.  Foolishly  faith 
ful  without  pay. 

Do  you  take  cold  baths  all  through  January,  February  and 
March  ?  You're  a  gloogo, —  especially  if  you  don't  talk  about 
it.  (See  Yab.) 

Do  you  work  over  hours  at  the  office  ?  Do  you  come  down 
town  early?  Do  you  run  in  on  Sundays  and  finish  up  a  little 
batch  of  business?  You're  a  gloogo. 

The  gloogo,  when  young,  studies  his  home  lessons,  instead 
of  going  to  that  Saturday  night  dance.  In  after-life  he  at 
tends  church  every  Sunday,  and  puts  a  quarter  in  the  plate. 
If  he  plays  golf,  he  prefers  a  rainy,  cold  day.  (See  Forge.} 

The  gloogo  elevator  runs  all  night  —  but  it's  a  curiosity. 

The  family  gloogo  comes  to  dinner  regularly  on  Wednes 
days  and  Sundays.  (See  Xenogore.)  Elsie  Peach's  gloogo 
calls  every  day  and  always  invites  her  to  everything.  Mrs. 
Valentine's  maid-servant  is  a  gloogo  —  she  loves  to  have  extra 
company  for  dinner. 

You  are  a  gloogo,  if  you  read  Burgess  Unabridged  all 
through. 

John  Smith  was  a  gloogo  of  forty-five, 

And  he  worked  like  a  piece  of  machinery; 

He  was  fond  of  his  wife  (who  was  still  alive), 
And  he  always  took  lunch  in  a  beanery. 

He  went  to  church,  and  he  didn't  drink, 
And  he  had  no  sins,  no  mystery; 

And  that'll  be  all  about  him,  I  think, — 
For  Gloogos  seldom  make  history. 


29 


GOI  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Goig,  n.  A  suspected  person;  one  whom  we 
distrust  instinctively;  an  unfounded  bias;  an 
inexplainable  aversion. 

Goig'some,  a.  Dubious ;  requiring  references  or 
corroboration. 

To  one  from  Missouri,  the  world  is  full  of  goigs.  Well 
you  have  to  "  show  me/'  too,  when  the  new  janitor  takes 
possession  of  the  cellar  —  he's  a  goig.  There's  the  man  with 
the  perpetual  smile;  he's  a  goig.  Why  do  we  watch  the 
gentleman  whose  collar  buttons  behind,  or  the  dog  who  doesn't 
wag  his  tail?  There's  something  goigsome  about  them.  He 
"listens  well," — but!  I  ha'e  me  doots !  (See  Eegot.) 

To  the  fondly  doting  mother,  her  son's  sweetheart  is  always 
a  goig.  When  he's  engaged,  she  is  still  more  goigsome.  Once 
married,  and  the  suspense  is  over.  (See  Prime.) 

Would  you  be  a  goig?  Then  shave  your  upper  lip  and  grow 
a  chin  beard. 

The  servile  affability  of  an  English  shopkeeper,  rubbing 
his  hands  —  how  goigsome !  So  is  your  wife's  man- friend, 
and  the  new  cook. 

But,  best  of  all  goigs  —  or  worst  —  the  man  who  says : 
"Oh,  I'll  surely  pay  it  back  next  week,  at  latest!"  (See 
Elf.) 

The  dividends  are  ten  percent, 

The  stock  "  is  going  to  rise/' 
"  It's  going  to  make  the  fortune  of 

Each  lucky  man  that  buys." 

But  still,  I  think  I'll  not  invest, 

I  do  not  know  just  why, — 
But  with  a  Goig,  it  is  best 

To  let  your  neighbor  try! 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  GOL 


Gol'lo-hix,  n.  1.  An  untimely  annoyance,  es 
pecially  when  one  wishes  to  sleep.  2.  An  au 
ditory  nuisance. 

Of  course,  when  you  put  up  at  the  Fleetville  Hotel  Imperial, 
you  got  a  room  in  the  rear,  looking  out  over  the  railroad  sta 
tion  and  the  trains  ran  all  night,  backing  and  switching,  rais 
ing  a  fine  gollohix.  But  the  side  rooms  were  just  as  bad; 
there  was  a  gollohix  windmill  creaking  incessantly. 

Further  back  in  the  country  a  dog  will  make  the  best  gollo 
hix,  baying  at  the  moon,  or  yelping  at  a  woodchuck. 

So  let's  come  to  the  city.  It's  all  night  in  the  Pullman,  and 
the  gollohix  they  make  with  the  milk-cans  and  switch-engines 
won't  last  but  three  or  four  hours. 

Why  try  to  describe  the  gollohix?  It's  the  piano  in  the 
next  flat  at  midnight;  it's  the  turkey-trotting  overhead;  it's 
the  phonograph  across  the  hall.  (See  Jujasm.^) 

Why  do  they  put  in  your  neighbor's  coal  so  late  in  the  even 
ing,  when  you  have  tonsilitis  ?  The  coal-man  loves  a  gollohix, 
as  a  chauffeur  loves  a  cut-out  motor,  as  a  city  child  loves  fire 
crackers  on  the  3rd  of  July. 

A  musical  comedy  makes  a  good  gollohix  when  you  sit  in 
the  front  row  next  to  the  drum,  but  a  crying  baby  at  four 
o'clock  in  the  morning  makes  the  best  of  all.  (See  Kidloid.) 

Wait  a  minute  —  I  forgot  the  man  who  practices  the  trom 
bone  or  the  cornet,  just  across  the  airshaft  —  that's  a  gollohix 
to  dream  about! 

A  New  Year's  Eve  in  gay  New  York, 

Fire  engines  at  a  fire, 
A  parrot  that  doth  squawk  and  squawk 

Are  gollohixes  dire. 

If  gollohixes  all  could  be 

Escaped,  I'd  thank  my  starsf 
But  Gollohix  the  Great  is  he 

Who  snores  in  sleeping-cars! 
31 


GOL  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Go-lob-ri-fac'tion,  n.  1.  An  object  which  has 
suffered  extravagant  decoration.  2.  A  com 
position  superspiced  with  adjectives. 

Go-lob-ri-fac'tu-rer,  n.  A  mad  architect,  or 
designer. 

Go-lob'ri-fy,  v.  To  adorn  excessively;  to  add 
excruciating  and  unmeaning  ornament. 

Golobrifaction  is  the  extravagant  exaggeration  of  art.  One 
may  golobrify  pastry,  jellies,  salads;  or  literature,  with  de 
cadent  phrases. 

Golobrifaction  is  the  art  of  supersweetening,  or  the  flourish 
of  eccentric  adornment.  (See  Diabob.} 

Topiary  gardening  golobrifies  the  country  residence  of  the 
aristocrat;  humbler  abodes  are  golobrified  with  cast  iron  stags 
or  plaster  statues  of  nervous  nymphs. 

The  lover  golobrifies  his  billets  doux  with  ardent  adverbs. 
The  ambitious  builder  golobrifies  his  villas  with  the  fret-saw 
and  the  turning-lathe.  (See  Gorgule.) 

Trading-stamp    furniture,    Spencerian    flourishes,    imitation 
castles,    parsley    decorations,    notched    turnips,    oranges    and 
radishes,    cheap    picture-frames,    perfumery    bottles,    boars' 
heads,  fishes  with  tails  in  their  mouths,  gingerbread  men  — 
all  are  golobrifactions. 

The  wedding  cake  of  the  millionaire  is  a  golobriboblifaction. 
Art  nouveau  would  require  still  another  syllable.  After  all, 
is  there  much  difference  between  a  valentine  and  a  formal 
Italian  garden? 

Her  gown  it  was  golobrified 

With  flounces,  tucks  and  shirrs, 
With  laces  trimmed,  with  ribbons  tied, 

With  buttons,  fringe  and  furs. 

Like  unnamed  tropic  bird  her  look, — 

For,  putting  Art  in  action, 
Her  spouse,  a  famous  pastry  cookt 

Made  that  golobrif action! 
32 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  GOR 


Gor'gule,  n.  1.  An  unwished-for  gift;  an  un 
necessary,  splendiferous  object.  2.  Elaborate 
bad  taste. 

Gor'gU-lous,  a.     Ornamental,  but  not  useful. 

A  gorgule  is  the  imitation  malachite  clock,  the  fancy  brass 
lamp,  the  green  plush  sofa,  gorgulous  with  curves,  writhing 
spirals,  tassels,  gimp  and  fringe.  (See  Diabob.) 

A  hand-embroidered  necktie  is  a  gorgule.  So  are  lacy, 
frilled,  beribboned  boudoir-caps,  without  any  boudoir;  and 
fancy  smoking  jackets;  and  corset-covers  with  chiffon  roses, 
theatrical  act  drops  and  scenic  interiors, —  anything  too  royal 
for  humble  use.  (See  Golobri faction.) 

Most  wedding  presents  are  gorgules.  "  Heavens,  I  wish 
someone  would  break  that !  "  Need  one  describe  the  gorgule  ? 
A  brass-and-onyx  prodigy.  A  celluloid  toilet  set,  in  a  plush 
casket,  a  chandelier  of  the  epoch  of  1880,  a  silver-plated  ice- 
pitcher,  or  a  set  of  lemonade-tumblers  in  colored  glass.  (See 
Gefoojet.) 

Ever  receive  a  loving-cup,  grand  and  gorgulous?  Once 
you  were  proud  of  it;  now  you're  willing  to  have  the  children 
lug  it  to  the  seashore  and  shovel  it  full  of  sand.  Why  did 
you  subscribe  for  that  large  folio  edition  de  luxe  "  Master 
pieces  of  Foreign  Art,"  a  gorgule  in  nine  monstrous  volumes  — 
price  $85.75? 

Don't  forget  that  eiderdown  fan.  It's  a  gorgule.  Give  it 
to  the  cook. 


Behold   this  gorgulated  chair  — 
A  weird,  upholsterrific  blunder! 

It  doesn't  wonder  why  it's  there, 
So  don't  encourage  it  to  wonderj 

For  Gorgules  such  as  this  don't  know 
That  they're  impossible,  and  therefore 

They  go  right  on  existing,  so 

This  is  the  whyness  of  their  wherefore. 


GOR  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Gorm,  n.     A  human  hog;  a  practical  egoist. 
Gorm,   v.     To  take  or  desire  more  than   one's 

proper  share;  to  act  greedily. 
Gor'mid,  a.     Selfish,  individualistic. 

The  gorm,  when  you  offer  him  a  cigar,  puts  it  in  his  pocket 
and  says  he  "  will  smoke  it  after  dinner."  When  he  loses  his 
watch,  he  offers  a  reward  which  shrinks  amazingly  when  his 
property  is  returned  and  he  is  sure  of  it  back.  (See  Igmoil.) 

The  gorm  never  pays  for  his  round  of  drinks.  He  man 
ages  so  that  the  other  fellow  shall  settle  for  the  taxi  and  the 
tickets.  He  will  never  move  up  in  the  trolley-car  or  take  his 
bundle  from  the  seat.  On  the  railway,  he  manages  success 
fully  to  occupy  four  places  at  once. 

The  gorm  is  the  woman  who  tries  to  get  in  ahead  of  the 
line  which  forms  at  the  ticket  office.  She  monopolizes  the 
most  attractive  man  in  the  room  to  the  exclusion  of  her  sis 
ters.  At  the  bargain  counter  the  gorm  holds  three  waists 
while  she  examines  a  fourth. 

Children  gorm  candy  and  ice-cream ;  men  gorm  free  lunches, 
and  women  in  Pullman  cars  gorm  the  ladies'  room  for  hours 
and  hours,  behind  locked  doors.  (See  Spigg.) 

And  all  girls  gorm  love,  or  try  to  gorm  it. 

He  gormed  the  fireplace,  standing  there 

With  coat  tails  to  the  flame 
With  easy  grace,  without  a  care 

For  us  who,  shivering,  came. 

He  gormed  the  magazines,  and  sat 

On  papers  by  the  dozen; 
But  at  our  club  we're  used  to  that  — 

Our  gormid  English  cousin! 


84, 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  GOW 


Gow'yop,  n.  1.  A  state  of  perplexity,  wherein 
familiar  persons  or  things  seem  strange.  2.  A 
person  in  an  unfamiliar  guise. 

Have  you  ever  been  "  turned  around/'  coming  out  of  a 
theatre,  after  an  exciting  play?  Right  is  left  and  west  is 
east.  You  are  in  a  gowyop.  It  is  long  before  you  can  turn 
yourself  about  and  make  the  world  seem  normal. 

The  husband  who  has  just  shaved  off  his  beard  is  a  gow 
yop  to  his  wife.  And  his  wife  is  a  gowyop,  after  she  has 
tinted  her  hair  bright  red.  (See  Spigg.) 

The  gowyop  is  like  that  room  you  see  in  the  mirror, — 
so  like,  and  yet  so  different.  Your  house,  the  day  after  the 
funeral,  is  a  gowyop  —  everything  seems  so  strange. 

A  pretty  child,  with  his  two  front  teeth  out;  a  person  you 
haven't  seen  for  many  years  and  you  now  behold  grown  up; 
a  son  or  a  daughter  who  has  just  been  married,  are  gowyops. 
So  is  the  dignified  old  gentleman  in  the  bathing  suit.  Or, 
that  aristocratic  dowager,  who,  when  the  house  is  on  fire,  ap 
pears  in  her  night-gown ;  and  your  cook,  when  she  is  "  dressed 
up." 

To  the  bachelor  of  science,  returning  after  four  years  at 
college,  home  is  a  gowyop,  too.  (See  Thusk.) 

All  in  a  gowyop  I  descried 

An  unfamiliar  world; 
All  upside  down,  I  vainly  tried 

To  get  myself  uncurled. 

But  I  was  inside  out,  till  when 

I  met  my  wife  —  the  sight 
Quite    turned   me    outside    in    again  — 

She'd  bleached  her  black  hair  white! 


GUB  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Gub'ble,  n.  1.  A  murmuring  of  many  voices. 
2.  Society  chatter. 

Gub'ble,  v.  To  indulge  in  meaningless  conver 
sation. 

Gub'ble-go,  n.  1.  A  crowded  reception,  a  talk 
ing  contest. 

It's  like  some  huge,  slimy  reptile,  with  a  hundred  mouths, 
all  murmuring.  As  you  are  admitted  to  the  house,  as  the 
servant  takes  your  hat  and  cane,  the  far-off  sounds  of  gubbling 
strike  you  with  terror;  but  it  must  be  done.  In  you  go. 
Everyone  is  talking,  but  no  one  is  listening.  Say  anything 
you  like  —  it  will  be  lost  in  the  gubble. 

There's  gubble  in  a  wordy  play.  There's  gubble  at  the 
steamer  when  you  see  a  friend  off  for  Europe  —  a  flattering 
gubble,  after  you  have  performed  in  public.  (See  Wumgush.} 

Letters  of  condolence  usually  consist  of  gubble.  Editorials 
about  marine  or  railway  disasters  are  gubble.  So  are  funeral 
sermons.  (See  Alibosh.) 

I  entered,  and  I  heard  the  hum 

Of  multitudinous  gubble; 
And  I  was  terrified  and  dumb. 

Anticipating  trouble. 

When  I  remarked  that  hens  had  lice, 

(Not   knowing   what  I  said}, 
My  hostess  smiled,  and  said  "  How  nice! 

Let  me  present  Miss  Stead!  " 


HUZZLECOO 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  HUZ 


Huz'zle-COO,  n.  1.  An  intimate  talk;  a  "  heart- 
to-heart  "  conversation ;  a  private  confidential 
chat.  2.  A  flirtation. 

A  huzzlecoo  is  an  animated  conversation  between  two  women 
over  the  back  fence.  It  is  a  business  talk  between  two  part 
ners  and  their  credit-man  behind  the  locked  doors  of  the 
office;  it  is  the  directors'  meeting  which  results  in  Jones  being 
appointed. 

Ward  politicians  hold  huzzlecoos  in  the  back  rooms  of 
saloons  and  make  up  their  "  slates."  Mother  and  daughter 
hold  a  huzzlecoo  in  Nellie's  pink  cretonne  bedroom  over  "  that 
young  man  "  who  has  become  so  attentive.  After  the  baseball 
captain  and  his  manager  have  a  huzzlecoo,  Five-Base  Murphy 
is  put  into  the  box. 

But  if  you've  never  heard  two  girls  discussing  a  man,  or 
sat  in  the  front  parlor  with  Moony  Mamie,  the  Merry  Man- 
eater,  till  2  A.  M. —  then  I  pity  you ;  you'll  never  know  what 
a  good  hot  huzzlecoo  means.  (See  Voriander.) 

The  huzzlecoo  that  Mary  had 

With  me,  the  other  night, 
Was  intimate  and  personal, 

And, —  well,  you  know  all  right! 

The  huzzlecoo  her  father  had 

With  me,  soon  after  that, 
Was   intimate  and  personal  — 

I  left  without  my  hat! 


39 


HYG  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Hy'gOg,  n.  1.  An  unsatisfied  desire.  2.  An 
anxious  suspense. 

Hy-gog'i-cal,  a.  Unattainable ;  next  to  impossi 
ble. 

Oh,  that  hygogical  curtain-shade  that  simply  will  not  catch, 
jiggle  it  up  and  down  as  you  will!  Oh,  that  mirror,  too  high 
for  you,  even  on  tiptoe!  Oh,  that  telephone  operator  who 
won't  answer  —  and  that  match  you  can't  find,  in  the  dark. 
Hygogs.  Did  you  ever  wait  for  a  sneeze  that  wouldn't 
come?  It  is  a  hygog. 

The  chandelier  —  just  out  of  reach;  with  lighted  match, 
how  often  have  I  striven  to  light  the  gas !  It  was  a  hygog. 
How  near,  and  yet  how  far! 

Your  note  paper  too  large  for  the  envelope.  Fold  it  over 
on  the  edges  and  cram  it  in—  No,  it  sticks,  and  will  not 
go !  It's  a  hygog.  Or,  if  once  rammed  in,  no1  man  can  draw 
it  forth.  (See  Wijjicle.} 

Ah,  but  you  suffer,  not  only  for  your  hygog,  but  for  an 
other's:  The  actor,  who  forgets  his  lines,  the  parlor  elocu 
tionist  who  pauses  and  cannot  get  the  next  verse  —  the  hygog 
is  an  agony  unendurable.  (See  Splooch.) 

Hygogical  is  the  strained  anxiety  of  one  who  waits  in 
nervous  suspense  for  someone  to  meet  her  at  the  station  in 
time  to  catch  the  train. 

The  cave-man  knew  it  when,  pursued  by  a  saber-toothed 
tiger,  he  crawled  out  on  the  end  of  a  too  slender  limb. 

In  Baltimore  an  oyster  rare 

Lay  on  his  shell  of  pearl, 
Huge  as  an  alligator  pear  — 

'Twas  placed  before  a  girl. 

Two  times  to  swallow  it  she  tried, 

Three  times,  and  still  did  fail; 
The  hygog  was  too  long,  too  wide  — 

Let's  kindly  draw  the  veil! , 
40 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  HYP 


Hyp'ri-jimp,  n.  1.  A  man  in  a  woman's  place 
or  who  does  women's  work.  2.  An  obedient 
and  thoroughly  domesticated  husband.  3.  A 
man  entirely  surrounded  by  women. 

He  may  wash  the  dishes  because  his  wife  is  ill,  or  because 
she  is  making  a  speech  on  the  street  corner;  but  he  is  still  a 
hyprijimp.  He  may  wheel  the  baby-carriage  because  he  is 
in  love  with  his  offspring  or  afraid  of  his  wife;  he  is  a 
hyprijimp.  (See  Forge.) 

He  who  carries  bundles,  kisses  his  wife  in  public,  does 
errands  for  his  sister  or  criticises  hats  with  real  fervor  is  a 
hyprijimp. 

The  hyprijimp  is  the  male  guest  at  a  woman's  club;  a  man 
at  a  prayer  meeting,  an  author  who  reads  his  own  poems,  a 
non-smoker,  a  husband  in  an  employment  agency.  (See 
Farm.) 

The  husband  of  a  Suffragette  is  a  hyprijimp.  (See 
Wowze.) 

Within  a  tea-room,  pink  and  dim, 

Mid  candlesticks  and  tiles, 
A  hyprijimp,  the  only  Him, 

Was  waiting,  wreathed  in  smiles. 

Ah,  did  he  swear  at  Her  delay? 

Did  rage  his  forehead  crimp? 
Oh,  no,  he  was  not  built  that  way; 

He  was  a  hyprijimp! 


IGM  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Ig'moil,  n.  1.  A  quarrel  over  money  matters; 
a  sordid  dispute.  2.  The  driving  of  a  hard 
bargain;  a  petty  law  suit. 

Before  the  funeral  was  over,  the  brothers  and  sisters  were 
fighting  over  the  will;  yes,  before  the  father  was  dead,  they 
had  their  igmoils  over  the  property. 

Woe  to  the  wife  of  the  stingy  husband!  Many  are  her 
igmoils.  (See  Hyprijimp.) 

And  yet  no  one  can  escape  the  igmoil  when  abroad.  When 
they  charge  you,  as  an  American,  four  times  the  price,  how 
can  you  help  trying  to  jew  them  down?  (See  Jurp.) 

The  igmoil  is  the  pawnbroker's  daily  bread. 

To  lose  a  friend  through  an  igmoil,  is  the  most  sordid 
tragedy  of  life. 

My  wife  had  bought  a  summer  hat; 

It  cost  her  19.20, 
That  is,  of  course,  it  cost  me  that. 

I  thought  6.50  plenty. 

We  had  an  igmoil,  for,  you  see, 

I   had   to    have    that    money. 
She  couldn't  see  I  needed  three 

New  golf  clubs!     Ain't  that  funny? 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  IMP 


Imp'kin,  n.  A  superhuman  pet;  a  human  off 
spring  masquerading  in  the  form  of  a  beast; 
an  animal  that  is  given  overabundant  care. 

The  impkin  is  the  sole  heir  of  Race  Suicide,  his  mother  be 
ing  The  High  Cost  of  Living.  He  is  supposed  to  "  love  his 
mummy." 

Impkins  are  canine  and  feline,  but  their  parents  are  usually 
asinine. 

The  impkin  is  hyper-domesticated  but  doesn't  particularly 
like  it.  An  impkin  being  frankly  natural  is  always  a  shock 
to  his  mistress.  (See  Frowk.} 

The  impkin  is  particularly  affected  by  large  blondes,  and 
always  when  their  hair  is  hennaed. 

Impkins  have  collars  but  no  cuffs.  They  wear  boots  and 
ulsters  and  live  in  limousines.  They  give  teas  and  grudg 
ingly  tolerate  the  presence  of  the  master  of  the  family.  (See 
Farm.) 

The  impkin  is  supposed  to  have  all  of  a  baby's  virtues  and 
none  of  his  faults.  It  requires  more  care,  but  doesn't  jeopard 
one's  place  in  Society. 

An  impkin,  noble  and  refined, 

Complained,   "  No    doubt    you    see, 

Of  course,  I  do  not  have  to  mind 
My  mistress  —  she  minds  me." 

"  A  Pomeranian  canine,  I, — 

She's  but  a  common  woman; 
She's    really    quite    insulting  —  why, 

She  seems  to  think  I'm  human!  " 


IOB  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


I'O-bink,  n.  1.  An  unplaceable  resemblance;  an 
uncertain  similarity.  2.  An  inaccessible  mem 
ory.  3.  An  unexplainable  sound. 

A  flash  of  mysterious  semi-recognition  confuses  you  for 
a  moment.  "Where  —  when  —  have  I  done  just  that  thing 
before  ?  "  No  use  to  search  your  memory  or  puzzle  your 
wits ;  you  can  never  catch  up  with  the  elusive  thought :  It's 
an  iobink. 

That  strangely  familiar  face  you  pass  in  the  street  —  the 
figure  you  dimly  recognize  in  the  restaurant. 

The  iobink;  like  a  will-o'-the-wisp,  leads  you  on  in  fond 
pursuit.  It  was  probably  some  clerk  in  a  dry-goods  store, 
or  the  assistant  in  the  grocery.  (See  Oofle.) 

So  the  iobink  subtly  tortures  you.  You  hear  its  human 
voice  in  sounds  of  running  water,  or  the  moan  of  the  wind. 
And,  as  you  lie  in  bed,  terrified,  an  unexplainable  noise  keeps 
you  awake.  But,  it's  nothing  —  only  an  iobink. 

What  is  that  word,  that  you  cannot  quite  remember?  It 
circles  above  your  head,  just  out  o'f  reach.  The  iobink  will 
not  come,  except  uncalled.  The  tune  you  strive  to  bring 
back  haunts  you  like  a  ghost.  You  cannot  give  it  audible 
form.  It  hovers  beyond  }7our  consciousness  in  a  world  of 
iobinks.  (See  Rizgidget.) 

Who  was  she?     And  what  was  her  name? 

Somehow,  I  couldn't  think. 
Why  was  my  memory  so  to  blame? 

It  was  an   iobink. 

Where  had  I  seen  that  face,  that  stare? 

In  some  old,  previous  life? 
The  iobink  dissolved  —  and  there 

She  was  —  my  former  wife! 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  JIP 


Jip,  n.      1.  A  dangerous  topic  of  conversation; 

2.  A  suggestive  remark. 
Jip'lish,  a.     Likely  to  lead  to  an  explosion;  too 

personal. 

Never  make  fun  of  Reno  —  even  to  Mrs.  Newlywed  —  she 
may  have  a  ticket  already  bought,  and  it  will  be  a  jip.  (See 
Pooje.) 

Never  speak  slightingly  of  actors,  dentists,  Jews,  Socialists, 
mothers-in-law,  plumbers,  Christian  Scientists  or  Progres 
sives  —  the  man  in  the  embroidered  velvet  necktie  who  has 
begun  to  glare  at  you,  may  be  all  of  them  —  it's  a  jip. 

Did  you  ever  ask  a  grey-gowned  brunette  the  whereabouts 
of  her  husband  only  to  find  that  he  had  died  last  week? 
Rather  jiplish ! 

Anyway,  you're  pretty  sure  to  make  a  jip  with  your  girl, 
sooner  or  later  —  whether  you  discuss  her  best  hat  or  her 
best  friend,  the  talk  is  apt  to  be  jiplish.  To  ask  a  woman 
her  age  is  a  jip. 

Never  ask  a  man  what  his  wife  said  when  he  got  home 
late  —  it's  a  jip.  (See  Skyscrimble.) 

I  asked  Bill  Green  how  Mrs.  Green 

Enjoyed  her  motor  trip, 
And  if  she  liked  their  limousine  — 

Believe  me,  'twas  a  jip! 

It  was  a  jip  to  talk  of  her, 

For  she  eloped  last  fall; 
She  ran  away  with  his  chauffeur, 

And  took  him,  car  and  all! 


JIR  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Jir'ri-Wlg,    n.      1.  A     superficial     traveler.      2. 

The     Philistine     abroad.     3.  A     bromide     in 

search  of  himself. 
Jir'ri-wig1,  v.     To  travel  with  one's  eyes  shut. 

To  destroy  opportunity. 

I  met  Mrs.  Jirriwig  first  in  Paris.  She  had  been  there 
three  months,  and  had  spent  87  days  with  modistes  and 
lingeristes,  one  day  at  the  Louvre  —  the  rest  of  the  time 
she  had  been  ill.  When  she  wasn't  trying  on  gowns,  she 
was  in  a  cab,  going  to  or  from  the  process.  (See  Mooble.) 

Later,  on  the  train,  I  met  Mr.  Jirriwig,  on  the  way  to 
Venice.  The  train  flew  by  the  bounteous  beauties  of  Lom- 
bardy,  historic  and  picturesque.  Did  Mr.  Jirriwig  look  out 
of  the  window?  No,  he  was  too  busy  reading  his  Baedeker, 
learning  about  Venice.  In  Venice,  he  spent  his  time  in  gon 
dolas,  reading  up  Florence.  In  Florence  he  sat  at  little 
cafe  tables,  turning  the  pages  of  his  red-covered  book  and 
getting  acquainted  with  Rome.  So  he  saw  Europe, —  in  type. 

But  there  are  thousands  of  Jirriwigs  in  Paris.  They  have 
been  there  for  years,  and  all  the  French  they  know  is 
"  Combien?"  They  are  in  a  state  of  perpetual  disgust,  that 
things  are  so  different  to  anything  in  the  United  States. 

But  there  are  Jirriwigs  in  New  York  also.  They  live  in 
the  Subway,  in  offices  and  in  flats.  (See  Cowcat.') 

Said  Mr.  Jirriwig,  one  day, 

To  Mrs.  Jirriwig, 
"Let's  see  the  Versailles  fountains  play; 

They  say  they're  fine  and  big!  " 

"  Yes/'  said  his  wife,  "  they're  fine  and  big, 
I've  seen  them  once,  you  know!  " 

"  Thank   God!  "  said  Mr.  Jirriwig, 
"  Then  I  won't  have  to  go!  " 


46 


JIRRIWIG 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  JUJ 


Ju'jasm,  n.  1.  A  much-needed  relief;  a  long- 
desired  satisfaction.  2.  An  expansion  of  sud 
den  joy. 

Ju-jas'mic,  a.  Offering  relief  from  suffering, 
or  an  escape  from  ennui. 

Thank  God  the  train  has  started !  So,  after  the  long, 
dreary  wait  on  a  side-track,  your  heart  expands  in  a  de 
licious  jujasm.  As  noise  after  long  silence,  so  is  silence 
after  much  noise,  a  jujasm.  (See  Gollohix.} 

After  your  slow  recovery,  jujasmic  is  the  doctor's  dictum, 
"  I  think  we'll  have  to  get  you  up  tomorrow." 

Why  is  Helen's  face  with  wild  jujasm  alight?  Dilatory 
Dick  has  at  last  proposed.  (See  Xenogore.) 

As  deep  as  the  grim  horror  of  the  dentist's  deed,  just  so 
high  does  your  spirit  rise  in  jujasm  when  the  tooth  is  out. 

Spring!  After  the  long  suspense  is  over,  the  first  day  of 
balm  and  warmth  brings  jujasm  to  your  heart. 

As  a  hot  drink  on  a  sleigh-ride;  as  food  after  a  long  fast  — 
so   is   the   first   sight   of   women   to   a   sailor,   after   his   eight 
een  months  at  sea,  jujasmic. 

Last  night,  I  took  high-browed  Harriet  to  the  theatre,  and 
she  talked  of  her  soul,  while  I  perished.  Oh,  the  rise  of  the 
curtain  on  that  third  act  of  farcical  folly!  It  was  a  jujasm. 
(See  Orobaldity.) 

Jujasmic  is  it  when,  at  night, 

Your  baby  stops  his  wails; 
Or  when  the  land,  at  last  in  sight, 

The  seasick  traveller  hails. 

But  what  are  such  jujasms  to  this  — 

(/  hope  your  memory's  strong,} 
That  first  ecstatic,  rapturous  kiss 

You  waited  for,  so  long! 


JUL  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Jul'lix,  n.  A  mental  affinity,  with  a  similar 
taste  and  inclination.  2.  One  who  knew  you 
when  you  wrere  a  child. 

"He  speaks  my  own  language !  "  Smile  if  you  will,  and 
call  it  sentimentality,  but  some  there  are,  your  jullixes,  who 
laugh  at  the  same  jokes  as  you  and  weep  at  the  same  sights. 
Out  of  the  ruck  of  social  five-o'clocks  you  pick  them,  like  single 
pearls  out  of  dead  oysters,  and  they  shine  in  your  memory 
forever.  Three  words  spoken,  and  you  know  them  as  you 
know  yourself;  and  you  have  floated  lightly  from  ports  of 
conventionality,  never  to  return.  (See  Prime.) 

Such  is  your  jullix.  It  is  not  only  that  he  loves  your  au 
thors  and  your  songs;  not  that  he  has  been  to  the  same  queer 
foreign  little  towns  that  you  have  "  discovered  " —  or  even 
that  she  has  had  the  same  operation.  Of  your  jullix  you 
know  far  more  than  that  —  you  know  his  soul. 

When  you  are  rich,  sedate  and  prominent,  comes  one  willi 
whiskers    and   calls   you,   "  Bill !  "     He  knew  you  when   you 
wore    short   trousers ;   and   he,   too,  knows   your   language  — 
that  all  but  forgotten  speech  of  your  youth.      (See  Thusk.) 

Is  she  a  jullix  who  was  once  engaged  to  the  man  whom 
you  have  married?  A  jullix?  Yes,  but  alas,  she  knows  too 
much  for  friendship ! 

A  woman's  jullix  is  one  who  knows  her  real  age. 

How  Elsie  stared!     Did  Elsie  guess 

What  bond  united  her 
To  that  girl  opposite  her?     Yes! 

It  was  her  jullix,  sure. 

Oh,  net  from  souls  akin,  and  less 
From  friendship  did  she  know  her; 

But  both  had  bought  the  self-same  dress 
In  the  same  department  store! 


50 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  JUR 


Jurp,  n.      1.  A  haughty  inferior;  a  saucy  under 
ling.      2.  An  impudent  servant  or  clerk. 
Jur'pid,  a.     Insubordinate  or  impertinent. 

Cooks,  brakemen,  shop  girls  are  often  jurpid.  The  whis 
tling,  gum-chewing  office  boy,,  who  won't  take  in  your  card  and 
says,  "  The  manager's  out/'  is  jurpid. 

The  officious  policeman,  the  barber  who  talks,  the  head- 
waiter,  who  always  gives  you  the  table  you  don't  want,  is 
jurpid  when  you  object.  (See  Moosoo.) 

What  good  does  it  do  to  report  the  jurp?  You'll  only 
have  on  your  conscience  the  fact  that  a  man  with  a 
big  family  has  lost  his  job.  And  so,  you  swallow  his  jurpid 
jibes. 

"Well,"  says  the  jurpid  milliner,  "you  said  you  wanted 
a  red  hat,  and  this  hat's  red.  We  ain't  got  anything  redder. 
If  I'd  a-known  you  wanted  blue,  why  didn't  you  say  so,  and 
I'd  a-shown  you  some  purple  ones !  You  can  see  for  your 
self  green's  more  becoming,  though." 

Colored  maids,  messenger  boys  and  janitors  cannot  help 
being  jurps  —  they  were  born  that  way.  (See  Splooch.} 

It  was  a  jurp  who  answered  back, 

Impertinent  and  pert; 
A   filthy   beast,  who  drove  a  hack  — 

You  should  have  seen  his  shirt! 

And  I  a  gentleman!     Whee-ew, 

What  jurpid  things  he  said! 
I'd  given  him  a  dollar,  too! 

But  it  was  made  of  lead. 


51 


KID  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Kid'loid,  n.  1.  A  precocious  or  self-assertive 
infant;  an  enfant  terrible.  2.  A  hotel  or  stage 
child.  Any  juvenile  person  who  .  is  too 
ubiquitous. 

Kid'loid,  a.  Impertinent  or  offensive,  in  a 
childish  way. 

In  the  hotel  the  kidloid  is  manufactured  and  developed  from 
shy  and  timid  modesty  to  the  final  perfect  stages  of  con 
spicuous  vulgarity.  He  is  like  an  improbable  old  man,  or 
a  cynical  hag  but  without  the  charm  of  age. 

The  kidloid,  in  comic  papers,  hides  under  the  couch  when 
his  sister's  beau  is  calling,  and  is  subsequently  bribed  to 
silence.  In  actual  life,  however,  he  is  much  more  offensive 
when  you  know  he's  about.  (See  Forge.) 

The  kidloid  is  called  upon  to  recite  "  pieces  "  before  com 
pany,  and  invariably  makes  a  fool  of  his  parents. 

The  kidloid  makes  conversation  an  agony,  and  has  the  ap 
parent  power  of  a  multiple  personality.  He  seems  like  at 
least  a  dozen  persons  when  he  is  in  the  room. 

Kidloids  are  created  by  fond  and  idolatrous  parents  by  the 
simple  process  of  giving  them  their  own  way. 

The  stage  kidloid  is  a  cross  between  an  intelligent  ape  and 
a  mummy.  The  hotel  kidloid  is  an  anthropoid  dynamo.  (See 
Gollohix.} 

The  kidloid  at  the  Beach  Hotel 

We   thought  a  model  child, 
For  he  behaved  so  very  well  — 

He  was  so  meek  and  mild. 

But  every  girl,  for  comfort's  sake, 

Had  paid  him,  every  day 
That  she  had  company,  to  make 

That  kidloid  stay  away! 


KIPE 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  KIP 


Kipe,  v.      To  inspect  critically;  to  appraise  prag 
matically;  to  eye  with  jealousy  or  envy. 
Kipe,  n.     A  woman's  glance  at  another  woman. 

Up  and  down,  from  hat  to  heel,  women  kipe  each  other 
insolently  as  they  pass.  In  subway  or  in  street-car,  every 
woman  who  enters  is  kiped  by  her  shrewd-eyed  sisters.  In 
that  keen  first  glance,  every  article  of  the  new  comer's  rai 
ment  is  appraised.  (See  Flooijab.) 

So,  at  the  employment  agency,  the  housewife  kipes  the 
cook,  and  cook  kipes  housewife,  each  turning  away  with  the 
thought,  "She  won't  do  for  me."  (See  Snosh.) 

Employer  kipes  the  applicant  for  .position,  accepts  or  re 
jects.  The.  poker-player,  with  his  last  blue  chip  in  the  pot, 
kipes  his  four-card  draw.  The  fastidious  smoker  kipes  the 
gift  cigar.  The  golfer  kipes  his  "  lie." 

Says  Aunt  Samanthy  Hanks  to  Mary  Jane  at  the  county 
fair,  as  she  kipes  the  patchwork  bedquilts  in  the  gallery, 
"  Mine's  better'n  her'n."  Says  the  mother  of  the  bride,  as 
she  kipes  the  wedding  presents  spread  out  on  the  table, 
"H'm!  his  folks  must  be  close-fisted."  (See  Gefoojet.) 

As  you  whiz,  motoring  through  the  park,  a  car  flashes  by 
—  but  not  too  fast  for  your  automobile  host  to  kipe  it : 
"1913  36-6  'Strangler'-  No  good!" 

So  do  the  village  girls  kipe  the  strange  young  man  in  town. 

Carlotta  kipes  at  Ermyntrude, 

And  Ermyntrude   at  Rose; 
And  every  stitch  that  each  has  on 

Each  other  lady  knows. 

Each  lady  knows  the  other's  faults, 

Her  quality  and  size, 
And  just  how  old  and  good  she  is; 

Would  men  were  half  as  wise! 


55 


KRI  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Krip'sle,  n.  A  worrying  physical  sensation,  an 
invisible  annoyance  absorbing  one's  attention. 

Krip'sly,  a.  Distracting,  distrait,  unmentiona- 
bly  provocative. 

Walking  on  spilt  sugar  is  kripsly. 

That  fugitive  morsel  of  walnut-meat  in  the  cavity  of  your 
bi-cuspid,  which  your  tongue  chases  so  thoughtfully,  but 
in  vain  —  a  fascinating  kripsle,  as  kripsly  as  a  loose  tooth ! 
(See  Forge.) 

Has  a  hairpin  fallen  down  your  back?  Smile,  and  don't 
be  kripsly ;  beware  that  faraway  look  that  tells  the  story ! 
And  when  through  that  hole  in  your  stocking  your  big  toe 
sticks  out,  don't  be  kripsled! 

The  ancient  Stoics,  like  the  modern  Christian  Scientists, 
declared  that  all  kripsles  were  Error.  But  Mortal  Mind 
knows  full  well  that  when  you  have  both  hands  and  arms  full 
of  bundles,  the  drop  that  hangs,  pulling  at  the  end  of  your 
nose,  is  a  kripsle  hard  to  bear  —  it  cannot  be  snuffed  in  or 
shaken  off. 

The  philosopher  may  be  calm,  even  while  his  foot  is 
awakening  from  a  sound  sleep;  the  poet  may  not  lose  his 
inspiration  even  with  a  hair  in  his  mouth;  but  to  plain  John 
W.  Smith,  of  101  Eighth  Avenue,  a  kripsle  is  as  disturbing 
as  a  broken  elbow,  or  a  bleeding  poached  egg  in  its  death 
agony.  (See  Slub.) 

Perhaps  you  think  that  smile  you  caught, 

Her  introspective   air, 
Her  pensive  mien  —  is  caused  by  thought 

Too  shy  for  you  to  share. 

Ah,  so  it  is!     With  all  your  tact 

You  fail.     It  is  no  use! 
For  she  is  kripsled  by  the  fact 

That  her  left  garter's  loose. 

56 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY       LAL 

Larii-fac-tion,  n.  A  verbose  story,  a  joke  re 
peated. 

Lalli-fy,  v.  1.  To  act  too  slowly;  to  delay. 
2.  To  give  an  over-painstaking  or  super- 
elaborate  performance. 

Did  you  ever  hear  an  Englishman  lallify  his  conversation 
with.,  "  What  I  mean  to  say  is  this/'  and  "  if  you  know  what 
I  mean"  and  "do  you  see"?  So  the  shop  girl  lallifies  her 
talk  with  "  Listen  here!  "  or  "  Say,  listen!  "  while  she  gropes 
for  an  idea.  The  preacher,  barren  of  fresh  thoughts,  lallifies 
his  meager  sermon.  "  Fourthly,  beloved  brethren  — "  (See 
Drillig.) 

A  "  talky  "  play  is  lallified  till  the  house  walks  out.  Like 
a  song  sung  too  slowly,  so  is  the  lallified  talk  of  the  young 
man  who  doesn't  want  to  escort  that  particular  girl  home. 
(See  Forge  and  Xenogore.) 

The  lallified  book:  Wide,  wide  margins  and  thick,  thick 
paper  —  or,  maybe  it  is  lallified  only  with  adj  ectives  or  ad 
verbs. 

Have  you  ever  heard  that  man  Gerrish  tell  his  favorite 
story,  lallifying  it  with  dialect-dialogue  till  you  yawned? 
Then,  after  you  have  forced  a  laugh,  he  lallifies  the  point 
with  reminiscent  unction,  repeating  it  reflectively,  itching  for 
more  applause. 

The  consummate  lallification  is  two  women  saying  good 
bye  to  each  other.  (See  Wumgush.) 

For  months  and  months  the  Hemmincjways 

Have  lallified  of  Baby, 
How  Baby  walks  and  talks  and  plays  — 

And  have  I  listened?     Maybe. 

But  now  the  time  has  come,  today, 

To  lallify   that  pair; 
For  I  am  working  on  a  play, 

And  talk  about  it  there! 
57 


LEO  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Le'o-lump,  n.  1.  An  interrupter  of  conversa 
tions;  one  who  always  brings  the  talk  back  to 
himself.  2.  An  egoist;  one  who  thinks  you 
are  necessarily  interested  in  what  interests  him. 

"  When  I  was  in  Italy/'  I  began,  carelessly  — 

"  Oh,  dear,  I've  never  been  out  of  New  York!  "  she  whined. 
"  I  do  wish  I  could  go  to  Italy  sometime !  " 

She  was  a  leolump.  I  could  not  mention  anything  without 
her  applying  it  to  herself.  The  word  "objective"  was  not 
in  her  dictionary. 

The  leolump  always  caps  your  story  with  one  stranger  and 
bigger  than  yours.  He  has  acquired  the  art  of  the  superla 
tive.  (See  Persotude.) 

Talk  to  a  leolump  actor  of  logarithms,  and  in  an  instant 
he  will  prove  relationship;  he  can  show  himself  to  be  first 
cousin  to  the  carbo-hydrates  in  a  congress  of  foreign  chemists. 

Conversation?  Impossible  when  a  leolump  is  present. 
Even  if  he  has  the  civility  not  to  interrupt,  which  he  hasn't, 
the  minute  you  stop  speaking  he  is  astride  his  hobby  and  rid 
ing  himself  to  social  suicide.  (See  Blurb.) 

He  has  a  million  subjects  ready  in  the  pigeon-hole  marked 
"  I." 

Women  are  seldom  leolumps,  for  they  never  allow  the  con 
versation  to  depart  from  the  subject  of  themselves.  And 
so  they  never  have  to  interrupt,  or  bring  the  topic  back. 

He  breaks  Into  your  talk,  and  cries, 

"  Oh,  that  reminds  me,"—  then 
Oh,  how  his   tale  your  patience  tries! 

But  you  begin  again. 

A  leolump  you  cannot  shame; 

His  head  is  like  a  fly's; 
His  brain  is  small,  but  all  the  same, 

He  has  a  thousand  "  I's" 

58 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  LOO 


Loob'lum,  n.  1.  A  pleasant  thing  that  is  bad 
for  one;  rich,  but  dangerous  food.  2.  A  flat 
terer;  flattery. 

Loob'loid,  a.     1 .   Sweet,  but  indigestible. 

Loobloid  is  the  broiled  live  lobster  and  the  hot  mince  pie. 
Loobloid,  ice  water  when  you  are  warm  and  whiskey  when 
you  are  cold. 

But  human  nature  still  woos  the  looblum.  For  youthful 
inexperience,  green  apples  and  the  first  cigar;  for  age,  ennui 
and  discouragement, —  opium,  morphine  and  cocaine. 

Yes,  all  those  things  of  which  the  bromide  says,  "  I  like 
them,  but  they  don't  like  me,"  are  loobloid.  Black  coffee  at 
night  and  a  cocktail  in  the  morning  —  both  are  looblums. 

And  yet,  the  mental  looblums  are  worse;  corroding  the 
character  with  sweetest  poisons.  How  rapturously  we  gulp 
them  down !  You  ask  criticism  on  what  you  know  is  bad,  and 
enjoy  the  loobloid  praise.  On  his  opening  night,  the  am 
bitious  playwright  makes  his  speech  in  answer  to  the  loob 
lums  of  applause.  (See  Wumgush.) 

On  the  morning  after  her  wedding-day,  the  blue-nosed 
bride  reads  loobloid  descriptions  of  her  beauty  at  the  cere 
mony. 

Most  loobloid,  but  most  sweet!  The  flattery  of  the  fond 
and  doting  parent.  (See  Gulp.) 

My  after-dinner  speech  was  lame, 

No  gift  of  gab  is  mine; 
The  chairman  praised  me,  all  the  same, 

He  said  .my  talk  was  fine. 

I  had  been  terrified,  and  I 

Made  blunders  that  were  frightful; 

The  chairman  lied  —  but  what's  a  lie? 
His  looblum  was  delightful! 


59 


MAC  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Ma-chiz'zlum,  n.  1.  A  thinly  disguised  bore 
dom.  2.  A  disappointing  spectacle.  3.  The 
apotheosis  of  the  obvious. 

Ma-chiz'zle,  v.  1.  To  attempt  unsuccessfully  to 
please.  2.  To  try  too  hard  to  like  something. 

Pageants,  processions  and  picnics  are  all  machizzlums;  for 
well  you  know  before  they  start,  that  boredom  shall  be  yours. 
Why  does  one  stand  jammed,  crowded,  uncomfortable,  peer 
ing  over  bobbing  heads  at  men  in  curious  costumes  marching 
by?  Why  endure  the  long  waits  of  the  machizzlum?  After 
it  is  over,  one  wonders  why  he  has  just  consented  to  be 
machizzled. 

Almost  every  motion  picture  show  is  a  machizzlum  to  sane- 
brained  folk.  So  is  watching  the  election  returns,  or  an  auto 
mobile  race  where  there  are  no  accidents,  or  a  partial  eclipse 
of  the  moon. 

Do  you' call  upon  a  belle?  Do  you  try  to  converse  with 
the  "  popular  "  man?  Surely  you  will  be  machizzled.  Don't 
try  to  read  the  book  that  has  been  too  widely  praised;  what 
everyone  likes,  is  sure  to  be  a  machizzlum.  (-See  Ovotch.) 

The  easiest  way  to  be  machizzled,  is  to  fall  in  love  with  an 
actress. 

The  young,  young  girl  smirks  and  smiles  and  blushing, 
says:  "O  Mr.  Poet,  tell  me,  when  did  you  first  find  you 
had  this  power  ?  "  But  to  the  less  sentimental  herd,  the  great 
machizzlum  is  to  be  introduced  to  a  celebrity.  (See  Yowf.) 

It  costs  you  ten  to  see  the  sight, 

The  weather  always  lowers; 
Your  seat  is  narrow,  hard  and  tight, 

You  wait  for  hours  and  hours; 

And  when  at  last   the  thing  is  o'er, 
And  the  last  red  light  has  -fizzled 

You   know   the   thing   has   been  a   bore; 
Once    more   you've    been   machizzled! 
60 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  MEE 


Meem,  n.     An  artificial  half  light  that  women 
love ;  a  charitable  obscurity ;  a  becoming  gloom. 
Meem'y,  a.     Obscure,  dim,  uncertain. 

From  a  brilliantly  lighted  hall  outside,  you  plunge  into  the 
meemy  parlors  wherein  shadows  flit,  vague,  uncertain.  You 
stumble  over  a  rug.  A  silhouette  rises  and  comes  forth  to 
meet  you.  How  many  are  there  there?  Who  are  they? 
Mysterious  is  the  meem! 

Meemy  is  that  uneasy,  tantalizing  obscurity,  that  depressed 
semi-darkness  that  women  who-would-be-artistic  find  so  nec 
essary  for  the  preservation  of  their  charms.  To  a  man  the 
meem  is  maddening  and  meaningless;  if  there  are  pretty 
women  present,  he  wishes  to  see  them.  (See  Kipe.} 

There's  a  dim,  religious  meem,  the  shadowy  penumbra  of 
great  cathedrals  —  the  sentimental  meem,  the  sad  gloom 
of  the  funeral  —  the  amorous  meem,  the  starlit  darkness, 
wherein  lovers  linger. 

The  meemy  woman  always  sits  with  her  back  to  the  light, 
to  watch  you  from  an  ambush.  (See  Squinch.} 

Candles  are  meemy,  especially  red  ones  —  except  when 
used  properly,  in  clusters. 

Still,  a  meem  does  keep  out  the  flies. 

All  meemy  -was  the  studio, 

And  meemy   maidens  —  wait! 
Say,  were  they  maidens?     Heavens,  no! 

Are    maidens   thirty -eight? 

Well,  anyway,  they  passed  for  such, 

For   candles    make    a   meem 
That  women  think  disguises  much. 

Things  are  not  what  they  seem. 


61 


MOO  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Moo'ble,  n.  1.  A  mildly  amusing  affair;  a 
moderate  success.  2.  A  person  or  thing  over 
whom  it  is  difficult  to  be  enthusiastic.  * 

Moo'bly,  adj.,  adv.  Innocuous,  feebly,  with 
out  uction. 

The  Samoans  have  a  word  which  means,  "  A-party-is- 
approaching-which-contains-neither-a-clever-man-nor-a-pretty- 
woman."  It's  a  mooble.  Dancing  with  your  own  wife  is  a 
mooble —  a  fairly  good  play,  a  dinner-party  where  the  menu 
makes  up  for  the  dramatis  persona  —  moobles  ! 

Mooble  is  the  word  that  "Damns  with  faint  praise"- -an 
"awfully  nice  girl  "-- why  not  say  it  point  blank:  "She's 
a  mooble."  (See  Cowcat.} 

Thanksgiving  dinner   in   a   restaurant  —  a   mooble. 

A  tame  young  man  —  a  mooble.      (See  Snosh.) 

You  may  be  a  wonder  with  women, —  leaving  a  trail  of 
fire  behind  you  as  you  go  —  but  you're  a  mooble  at  tennis. 
You're  a  mooble  at  pool,  too,  although  you  "  used  to  play  a 
very  good  game." 

Moobly  novels  are  written  by  —  well,  of  course  you  know 
already.  Moobly  foods:  cornstarch  custard,  warm  iced  tea, 
vanilla  ice  cream.  The  W.C.T.U.  is  a  mooble.  So  is  a  com 
mencement  essay,  and  most  tall,  blonde  women. 

But  the  perfect  mooble  is  the  man  you  used  to  be  engaged 
to.  (See  Thusk.} 

At  first  I  thought  her  a  genius  bright, 
Almost  an  angel  —  out  of  sight! 
But  the  second  time  that  I  went  to  call 
I  found  her  a  mooble,  after  all. 

Only  a  mooble,  and  then  she  wrote, 

Oh,  what  a  moobly,  moobly  note! 

And  how  can  you  wonder  my  love  should  end? 

She  began  her  letter  to  me,  "  Dear  Friend  "! 

62 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  MOO 


Moo'soo,  a.  1.  Sulky,  out  of  sorts,  blue,  taci 
turn,  discontented.  2.  Unsuccessful;  getting 
out  of  order;  going  wrong,  delayed. 

Moosoo  is  a  mild  form  of  "  the  dumps/'  You  are  moosoo 
while  waiting  for  someone  who  is  late,  especially  late  for  din 
ner;  when  your  dress  doesn't  quite  fit,  or  isn't  quite  becoming. 

Moosoo  is  the  secondary  stage  of  getting  over  acute  ill 
humor.  It  is  the  mood  of  the  wife  in  her  second  year  of 
marriage. 

Moosoo  is  the  clerk  who  is  discontented  with  his  position. 
Moosoo  is  the  salesman,  when  you  return  goods  or  exchange 
them.  (See  Jurp.) 

Moosoo  is  the  brakeman,  when  the  train  is  delayed. 

The  wall-flower  at  the  dance  is  moosoo,  though  her  smiles 
are  pungent. 

Moosoo  is  the  maiden  when  the  young  man  fails  to  propose, 
although  she  shows  it  not. 

Moosoo  is  the  interested  escort,  when  the  restaurant  music 
is  too  loud  at  dinner.  (See  Huzzlecoo.} 

Children  are  moosoo,  when  they  can't  go  to  the  circus;  the 
traveling  salesman,  when  his  cigar  leaks;  and  even  the  polite 
husband,  when  the  burned  chops  are  set  before  him. 

The  weather,  itself,  can  be  moosoo.,  with  clouds  and  dull 
ness  for  weeks  at  a  time. 

The   day   was   moosoo;  Mary   Ann 

Was  moosoo,  so  was  I; 
And  moosoo  were  the  girl  and  man 

Whom  we'd  invited  —  why? 

Why  did  we  sulk,  disgusted,  far 

From  home,  discouraged,  blue? 
Because  my  brand  new  motor-car 

Alas,  was  moosoo,  too! 


63 


NIN  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Nink,  n.  1.  A  useless  "antique"  object,  pre 
served  in  worship  of  the  picturesque.  2.  An 
imitation  of  a  by-gone  style. 

Nink'ty,  a.     Architecturally  dishonest. 

You  buy  your  ninks  at  "  Ye  Olde  Shoppe  "  and  by  that 
"  Ye  " —  you  shall  know  the  ninkty.  For  a  nink  is  a  brass 
candlestick  with  no  candle  in  it;  the  pewter  mugs  and  plat 
ters,  unpolished,  on  the  sideboard;  the  old  china,  dusty  and 
unused  upon  the  wall;  old  tiles  and  brass  knockers. 

The  old  flax-wheel  in  the  corner  is  a  nink;  the  framed  old 
sporting  prints  of  horse  races  and  stagecoaches;  the  framed 
theatre  bills.  Pompeian  bronze  tripods,  never  lighted,  in 
hotel  corridors.  (See  Gorgule.) 

A  beefsteak  party  is  a  nink,  and  May-day  dances  and 
pageants;  anything  revived,  revamped  for  modern  use. 
Doors,  covered  with  nails  and  decorative  hinges  bolted  on; 
things  sewed  with  thongs;  imitation  parchment  scrolls. 
Whale-oil  lamps,  ships'  lanterns ;  almost  any  obj  ect  of  leather, 
copper,  or  brass.  (See  Gefoojet.^) 

Architectural  ninks  are  imitation  beams  in  the  ceiling;  hol 
low  columns;  furniture,  with  imitation  mortises  and  pegs. 

The  ninkiest  nink  of  all  is  the  framed  motto  on  the  wall, 
or  a  legend  painted  over  the  fireplace. 

The  ninks  that  Mr.  Parvenu 

Has   bought,   because   "  artistic," 

Are  "genuine   antiques"  though   you 
Call  them  anachronistic. 

But  still,  one  nink  is  not  disgraced  — 

That  sun  dial  he  got 
Is  now  appropriately  placed; 

He  put  it  on  his  yacht! 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  NOD 


Nodge,  n.  1.  The  only  one  of  its  kind  or  set. 
2.  A  person  who  doesn't  "  fit  in;  "  a  Martian. 

Nod'gy,  a.  1.  Impertinent,  inconsistent,  in 
applicable;  having  no  mate. 

Wife  or  housewife  —  all  women  know  the  nodge.  It's  the 
odd  tumbler,  or  odd  plate, —  the  one  button  whose  mates  have 
disappeared;  the  one  glove  that  persistently  turns  up;  the 
single  shoe  or  stocking;  those  three  trading-stamps  she 
doesn't  throw  away. 

Nodgy  is  that  extra  envelope  —  too  small  for  the  paper; 
the  one  chair  that  doesn't  match  the  furniture;  the  lone  coat, 
whose  skirt  has  long  since  worn  out;  the  hat  that  goes  with 
no  possible  gown. 

Nodgy  is  the  Methodist  minister  at  a  poker  party;  nodgy 
the  cut-up  at  prayer  meeting,  or  the  ugly  damsel  at  the  ball. 

The  modest  country  girl  is  nodgy  with  women  who  smoke 
cigarettes.  (See  Ovotch.) 

How  long  have  you  saved  that  old  lace  yoke  —  waiting  for 
something  to  put  it  on.  Throw  it  away!  It's  a  nodge.  (See 
Gefoojet.) 

I  took  my   aunt   to  see  the  town, 

A    task  I  couldn't   dodge; 
At    every    cabaret    she'd   frown, 

She  was  a  perfect  nodge. 

But  when,  to  visit  her,  I  went 

To  Pudding   Centre,  Mass., 
She    took   me    to   a   gospel    tent, 

I  was  a  nodge,  alas! 


65 


NUL  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Nul'kin,  n.  1.  The  core  or  inside  history  of 
any  occurrence.  A  true,  but  secret  explana 
tion.  2.  Facts  known,  but  not  told. 

The  "  nigger-in-the-woodpile  "  was  named  Mr.   Nulkin. 

The  object  of  a  trial  by  jury  is  to  find  the  nulkin  of  the 
crime. 

Why  were  they  divorced?  What  does  she  see  in  him?  No 
body  knows  the  nulkin.  It  is  the  skeleton  in  the  closet. 

The  nulkin  is  the  true  motive.     Cherchez  la  nulkin. 

The  diplomatic  service  is  full  of  nulkins. 

Why  didn't  we  go  to  war  with  Mexico?  Did  we  fear 
Japan?  What  is  the  nulkin? 

Why  did  she  get  the  part  of  leading  lady?  This  is  the 
theatrical  nulkin. 

Why  is  a  book  popular?  Publishers  strive  in  vain  to  dis 
cover  the  literary  nulkin.  (See  Edicle.) 

Why  do  imitators  fail?  Because  they  copy  outside  traits, 
and  not  the  inmost  nulkin.  (See  Bripkin.} 

A  nulkin  is  the  secret  thought  you  never  tell, —  the  real 
reason  why  your  wife  doesn't  like  Sarah. 

"  What  does  he  see  in  her?  "  we  ask; 

"  What  does  she  see  in  him?  " 
Ah,  matrimonial  nulkins  task 

The  brains  of  seraphim! 

The  nulkin  is  what  you  have  tried, 

And  I  have  tried  to  know; 
Instead,  we  judge  from  what's  outside  — 

Perhaps    tis  better  so. 


66 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  OOF 


Oo'fle,  n.  1.  A  person  whose  name  you  cannot 
remember.  2.  A  state  of  forgetfulness  re 
garding  a  friend  or  thing. 

Oo'fle,  v.  1.  To  try  to  find  out  a  person's  name 
without  asking.  2.  To  talk  to  an  unknown 
person  without  introducing  him  to  a  nearby 
friend. 

Oofled,  p.p.     Mortified  needlessly. 

"  How  do  you  do,  Mr.  Goheevus ;  you  don't  remember  me, 
do  you?"  Are  you  oofled?  If  you  are  not,  you  will  say, 
"  No,  why  should  I  ?  "  But  alas,  one  usually  is  oofled,  and 
struggles  desperately  to  conceal  the  fact,  groping  wildly  in 
the  well  of  one's  memory  for  the  lost  name,  while  one's 
friends  stand  about  reproachfully,  waiting  to  be  introduced. 

Any  person  whose  name  is  Baker  is  an  oofle, —  or  Brown> 
or  Davis.  The  other  most  celebrated  oofles  are  Harris,  John 
son,  Miller,  Palmer,  Pratt,  Porter,  Stevens,  Simpson,  Rich 
ards,  Roberts,  Taylor,  Wheeler  and  Wilson.  Can  you  ever 
tell  one  from  another?  No,  not  even  if  the  pistol  is  held 
to  your  head!  (See  lobink.) 

Of  course  what's  an  oofle  to  you  may  not  be  oofly  to  me, 
especially  if  my  name  is  Goheevus.  (See  Mooble.)  But 
everyone  is  oofled  by  a  hostess  who  mumbles  her  introduc 
tions.  (See  Cowcat.) 

No  wonder  I  was  oofled,  for, 

Although  I  knew  his  face, 
In  some  way,  for  the  life  of  me, 

His  name  I  couldn't  place; 

Now,  was  it  Harris,  Johnson,  Brown, 

Or  Palmer,  Jones  or  Platt? 
He  was  an  Oofle,  anyway  — 

There  was  no  doubt  of  that! 


67 


ORO  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


0-rO-bal'di-ty,  n.  1.  Modern  witchcraft;  Ori 
entalism  adapted  to  Occidental  intellects; 
Emerson-and-milk.  2.  An  alleged  process  of 
getting  wise  quickly;  a  short  cut  to  success. 

Orobaldity  in  its  most  acute  form,  i.  e.,  Vedantic  philosophy 
with  the  asceticism  left  out,  is  particularly  affected  by  females 
who  are  not  willing  to  gain  success  or  happiness  through 
mere  effort.  It  consists  of  gambling  with  the  intellect,  in 
order  to  gain  a  dishonest  percentage  of  mental  profit. 

Orobaldity  is,  in  the  main,  a  modern  magic  supposed  to  be 
controlled  by  cryptic  phrases  and  abracadabra  such  as  "  into 
the  silence  "  and  "  holding  the  thought."  It  is  not  necessary 
to  know  the  esoteric  meaning  of  such  charms,  or  to  exert  any 
actual  energy  in  obtaining  one's  desires.  (See  Gubble.) 

Orobaldity  is  a  thing  of  "  vibrations  "  and  "  thought  cur 
rents  "  and  is  founded  mainly  upon  analogies  with  wireless 
telegraphy  and  other  modern  scientific  discoveries.  It  finds 
occult  meanings  in  colors  and  numbers. 

Orobaldity  is  medieval  mysticism,  mainly  practised  by 
women  who  have  nothing  else  to  do.  (See  Mooble.) 

Actresses  out  of  work  find  in  orobaldity  a  good  substitute 
for  trying  to  get  an  engagement.  Neurotic  and  erotic  tem 
peraments  find  it  an  admirable  stimulant  to  egoism. 

First  she  was  a  Christian  Scientist, 
And  then  a  New  Thought  daughter; 

Next  she  became  a   Theosophist, 
Then  Bahaiism  caught  her, 

But  now  her  Occultism  wanes. 

Astrology  dispelling; 
Her   Orobaldity   remains 

As  just  plain  Fortune-Telling. 


68 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  OVO 


O'votch,  n.  1.  One  who  does  things  merely  be 
cause  others  do.  One  swayed  by  popular 
crazes,  the  victim  of  custom.  2.  A  currently 
popular  fad  or  form  of  amusement. 

To-day,  baseball  is  an  ovotch;  dancing,  whist,  golf, 
Eurythmics,  Eugenics,  Kelly  pool  and  Burgess  Unabridged. 
(See  Blurb.) 

Golf  is  a  re-ovotch,  a  revival  of  an  obsolete  sport.  The 
popular  tune  of  the  day  is  an  ovotch;  the  current  slang;  the 
fad  of  the  hour  in  custom  and  costume. 

Past  is  the  ovotch  of  the  bicycle,  croquet  and  archery;  to 
morrow  the  ovotch  may  be  put  upon  flying,  skin-tight  trous 
ers,  or  free  love.  (See  Thusk.) 

One  ovotch  will  never  be  revived,  the  family  reciter,  with 
her  vox  humana  tremulo  voice. 

In  Grandma's  time,  the  ovotch  quaint 

Was  to  be  meek  and  modest; 
She    used   to   have    the   "  vapors  "-  —  (faint) 

She  was  so  tightly  bodiced. 

What  is  the  ovotch  for  a  maid 

To-day?     The  gown  that  lets 
Her  lissome  figure   be  displayed, — 

And  smoking   cigarettes. 


69 


PAL  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Pa-loo'dle,  n.  One  who  gives  unnecessary  or 
undesired  information.  2.  Uncalled-for  ad 
vice.  3.  A  recital  of  obvious  details. 

Pa-loo'dle,  v.  To  give  the  above;  to  assume 
omniscience. 

Pa-loo'dlum.     A  paloodle  talk. 

Have  you  ever  in  the  theatre  sat  in  front  of  a  gabby  gent, 
who  paloodles  his  girl  with  the  story  of  the  play,  announcing 
each  entrance  and  exit? 

The  paloodle  is  ubiquitous;  at  the  baseball  game,  he  ex 
plains  each  play ;  at  the  pool-table,  he  tells  you  what  you  ought 
to  do,  or  should  have  done.  He  is  proficient  in  the  knowl 
edge  of  how  to  run  other  people's  business.  (See  Drillig.) 

Old  maids  paloodle  you  with  advice  on  how  to  train  your 
children,  or  how  to  manage  a  husband.  (See  Lallify.) 

A  horse  falls  on  the  slippery  pavement.  Immediately  it  is 
surrounded  with  paloodles,  suggesting  blankets,  and  straps 
and  buckles,  and  "  Sit  on  its  head."  It's  the  paloodle's 
head  that  should  be  sat  upon. 

The  stage  manager  paloodles  the  actor:  "You  cross 
here,"  he  says ;  and,  "  You  want  to  cry  all  through  that 
-scene."  No  wonder  the  dramatic  critic  also  paloodles  the 
actor  on  the  opening  night,  (See  Yowf  and  Edicle.) 

Paloodling  the  baby  is  the  favorite  occupation  of  the  sec 
ond  year  of  married  life.  "  How  to  cure  a  cold,"  a  paloo- 
dlum  in  six  parts. 

'Each  base  was  full,  the  score  was  tied, 
The   strikes    they    numbered   two; 

Still  that  paloodle  at  my  side 
Paloodled  me  and  you! 

The  inning  was  the  ninth,  alas, 

But  the  end  I  did  not  see  — 
For  I  was  murdering  the  asy 

Who'd  been  paloodling  met 
70 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  PAW 


Paw'dle,  n.  1.  One  who  is  vicariously  famous, 
rich  or  influential.  2.  A  person  of  mediocre 
ability,  raised  to  undeserved  prominence. 

Paw'dle,  v.     To  wear  another's  clothes. 

You  all  know  him,  the  pawdle,  or  her,  who  pawdles  in  un- 
paid-for  prosperity. 

The  husband  of  the  famous  wife,  or  the  wife  of  a  Star. 

The  child  of  a  celebrity;  the  daughter  of  a  president. 
(See  Yowf.) 

The  editor  of  an  Anthology,  or  a  translator.  An  adopted 
child.  A  woman  with  dyed  hair.  An  officer  of  the  militia. 
An  American  countess.  The  author  of  a  privately  printed 
book.  (See  Edicle.) 

To  pawdle  is  to  go  to  the  theatre  on  passes;  to  ride  in 
other  people's  automobiles,  to  use  hotel  or  club  stationery. 

To  pawdle  is  the  poor  husband  of  the  rich  wife;  also  the 
husband  of  the  industrious  vaudeville  artiste,  or  the  farmer, 
who  lets  Florrie  do  all  the  work,  while  he  talks  politics  at 
the  village  store.  (See  Hyprijimp.) 

Behold  Brother  Pawdle,  the  Past  Grand  Worthy  Superior 
Thingamajig,  of  the  Glorified  Order  of  Pawdles,  in  his 
transcendental  uniform  and  gold  sword !  He  is  really  the 
book-keeper  of  a  fish-shop. 

.Only  a  pawdle  —  don't  tell  her  so, 

For  she  thinks,  as  pawdles  do, 
She  is  sought  because  of  herself,  you  know; 

But  you  know  that  that  isn't  true. 

Only   a  pawdle  —  but  never  mind, 
For  she'll  die  in  due  season,  when 

Her  proper  place  she  will  really  find  — - 
Not  even  a  pawdle ,  then! 


71 


PER  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Per'SO-tude,  n.     Social  warmth,  personal  mag 

netism^  charm. 
Per'so-mag,  n.     The  unit  of  social  favor. 

A  man  charged  to  the  highest  voltage  of  persotude  could 
borrow  any  amount  of  money.  The  charge  fluctuates  in  the 
same  person.  After  a  good  dinner,  one  vibrates  sometimes 
up  to  7,000  persomags.  Cocktails,  compliments  and  social 
success  make  one  buzz  with  persotude.  (See  Gubble.^ 

Anyone  troubled  with  negative  persotude  should  take  a 
rest  cure  and  test  his  recovery  by  trying  to  sell  life  insur 
ance,  which  requires  the  greatest  sparking  charge.  (See 


Persotude  is  independent  of  beauty,  though  it  is  hard  to 
make  a  woman  believe  it.  Getting  rich  adds  to  one's  perso 
tude,  —  but  not  always.  Rockefeller's  persotude  is  less  than 
6^/2  persomags.  (See  Yowf.) 

Nicknames   are  prime  evidence  of  rich  persotude. 

The  highest  persomags  in  America  are  Roosevelt,  Christie 
Matthewson  and  Maude  Adams. 

When  Walter,  at  his  Sunday  School 
Declaimed  "  The  Old  Front  Gate/' 

They  flattered  so  the  little  fool 
His  persotude  was  great. 

He  went  upon  the  stage  and  planned 

To  be  a  tragic  hero, 
He  never  even  got  a  "  hand  "  — 

His  persotude  was  2ero. 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  POO 


Pooje,  n.  1.  An  embarrassing  situation;  a 
sense  of  guilt;  a  regrettable  discovery.  2; 
One  who  is  caught  in  the  act. 

Pooje,  v.  To  make  a  painful  discovery;  un 
wittingly  to  create  a  scene. 

Poojed,  p.p.     Disconcerted,  mortified,  aghast. 

A  pooje  is  a  sudden  desire  to  become  invisible;  as  when, 
entertaining  company,  the  neat  housewife  sees  a  cockroach 
crawl  along  the  floor. 

John  was  kissing  Mary,  when  Eliza  opened  the  door.  It 
was  a  pooje.  John  and  Mary  were  poojed  good.  But  even 
this  wasn't  as  bad  as  when  John  tried  to  kiss  Eliza.  She 
poojed  him.  "Sir!"  she  said,  "how  dare  you?" 

Last  night  I  dreamed  that  I  was  standing  on  the  corner  of 
Forty-second  Street  and  Broadway  at  10-4-5  p.  M.  just  as  the 
theatre  crowd  swept  by.  Yes,  of  course  you  know  the  sensa 
tion  well  —  I  was  in  my  night-gown,  with  bare  feet !  Was  I 
poojed?  Rath-er/  (See  Agowilt.) 

Also,  you  can  get  poojed  merely  by  trying  to  step  up  a  top 
stair  Which  doesn't  happen  to  be  there,  or  by  being  caught 
putting  one  cent  in  the  contribution-plate. 

Never  listen  at  the  keyhole  when  a  man  and  his  wife  are 
quarreling  inside;  he  may  suddenly  open  the  door  and  pooje 
you.  (See  Bimp.) 

Said  Parks  to  his  stenographer, 
"All  ready?      Well,  take  this!" 

And  then  Parks  gave  the  girl  a  hug, 
And  then  gave  her  a  kiss. 

Just   then   the   door  was   opened  wide, 

And  his  surprise  "was  huge  — 
'Twas  Parks' s  wife;  he  nearly  died, 

For  Parks  was  in  a  pooje! 


73 


QUI  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Quink,  n.      1.  An  expression  or  mood  of  anxious 

expectancy ;  absorbed  determination. 
Quinked,    p.p.     Haggardly    resolute,   -with    the 

excitement  of  suspense. 
Quink'y,  a.     Tense,  uncertain,  fearful. 

A  quink  is  the  Welch  rarebit  face,  the  expression  of  one 
serving  at  tennis,  or  playing  a  difficult  pool  shot, —  lifting  the 
ball  out  of  a  bad  golf  hazard. 

Women  are  quinked  when  they  open  a  telegram;  a  boy,  as 
he  lights  a  fire-cracker.  A  girl,  when  in  front  of  the  glass, 
as  she  turns  around  to  see  if  her  underskirt  is  hanging  down 
behind.  A  man,  when  he  reads  the  ticker  tape,  during  a 
panic,  or  is  buttoning  up  the  back  of  his  wife's  dress. 

A  waiter  is  quinked  when  his  customer  takes  the  change 
from  the  plate  —  how  much  will  be  the  tip  ?  The  cook,  when 
she  is  trying  the  candy  in  a  cup  of  cold  water.  The  mother, 
as  she  waits  for  the  fever  to  turn.  (See  Squinch.) 

A  quink  is  that  expression  you  have  on  your  face  just  be 
fore  the  tooth  is  pulled;  the  minute  before  the  flashlight 
goes  off;  when  she  pulls  the  trigger  of  the  gun. 

You  are  quinked  when  you  wait  for  someone  who  is  late, 
or  when  you  hurry  to  catch  the  last  train,  with  only  four 
seconds  to  spare. 

The  fat  man's  face  is  quinked,  when  he  tries  to  tie  his  own 
shoes.  It  is  the  face  of  the  man,  swimming  under  water,  or 
of  the  playwright,  on  his  opening  night.  (See  Snosh.) 

On  Henry's  face  the  lines  were  set, 
Distraught,  he  frowned  and  blinked; 

Why?     He  was  all  alone,  and  yet 
He  was  severely  quinked. 

He  heard  the  bell,  but  to  the  door 

He  dared  not  go,  to-day; 
For  he  was  quinked  until  that  bore 

At  last  had  walked  away. 

74 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  QUI 


Qliis'ty,  a.  Useful  and  reliable  but  not  orna 
mental. 

Quis'ter,  n.  A  person  or  thing  that  is  beloved 
for  its  efficiency,  character  or  worth,  rather 
than  for  decorative  value. 

She  was  not  beautiful,  but  she  was  business-like;  she  knew 
how  to  spell  "  its  "  and  "  it's  "  and  "  there  "  and  "  their  " 
and  "  they're."  Her  employer  did  not  propose  to  her  or  take 
her  out  to  dinner,  but  he  would  not  have  parted  with  her  for 
a  fortune.  She  was  quisty.  (See  Splooch.^) 

The  little  tin  motor-car  your  sporting  friends  call  a  "  road- 
louse  "  will  go  as  far  as  his  gas-drinking,  tire-burning,  oil- 
consuming  "  Complex "  and  for  one-tenth  the  money.  It 
isn't  pretty,  and  it  isn't  expensive,  but  it's  quisty. 

Your  jimmy-pipe  is  quisty,  and  so  is  that  old  mangy  dress 
ing-gown  and  that  comfortable,  worn  pair  of  corsets,  and 
those  shabby  shoes  you  hate  to  throw  away.  (See  Gefoojet.) 

Awful  were  the  ugly  apartments  of  the  80's,  but  the  rooms 
were  large  and  airy;  no  such  quisty  flats  nowadays. 

Do  you  use  an  old-fashioned  barber-style  razor?  Why? 
Because  it's  quisty.  That's  why  you  use  that  prehistoric 
stylographic  pen,  instead  of  a  fountain,  with  a  stiff, 
scratchy  nib.  (See  Wijjicle.) 

Is  your  faithful,  sympathetic  wife  a  quister?  Remember, 
it's  always  the  best-looking  women  who  go  through  the  di 
vorce  courts. 

A   pretty  maid  had  Mrs.  Slade, 

And  Mr.  Slade  admired  her; 
He  used  to  glance  at  her  askance 

So  much  the  Mrs.  fired  her. 

A  quisty  maid  now  cooks  for  Slade, 

She's   uglier  and  thinner, 
But  Mrs.  Slade  is  much  dismayed; 

Slade  won't  come  home  to  dinner, 

75 


QUO  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Quoob,  n.      1.  A  misfit,  an  incompetent  person. 

2.  A  person  or  thing  obviously  out  of  place. 

3.  One  not  worldly  wise. 

Quoob,  v.     To  act  differently  than  the  rest;  to 
commit  a  solecism ;  to  be  in  the  wrong  place. 

As  you  stand  on  the  doorstep  arrayed  in  your  best,  a  sud 
den  pang  smites  you.  The  door  is  opened.  There  is  a 
look  of  blank  astonishment,  as  you  are  ushered  in.  No 
hostess  comes  to  greet  you,  no  gay  appareled  guests  are  there. 
You  are  a  quoob.  The  dinner  is  next  Thursday,  not  to-night. 
(See  Zobzib.) 

Which  is  worse,  to  be  the  only  one  in  evening  dress,  when 
all  the  rest  are  modestly  clad,  or  to  be  yourself  in  street- 
clothes,  surrounded  by  low-necks  and  jewelry?  In  either 
case,  you  are  a  quoob. 

If  you  are  a  natural  born  quoob,  you  are  the  only  one  of 
all  the  audience  to  applaud,  or  cheer.  At  that  sudden  lull 
in  the  conversation,  you  are  the  one  to  speak  aloud.  "  No, 
I  must  say,  I  prefer  the  old-fashioned  night-gowns." 

Sadly  the  quoob  waits  in  the  drug-store  for  the  girl  who 
never  comes.  (See  Quink.)  He  goes  to  a  party  thought  to 
be  smart,  to  find  he  is  the  only  one  of  importance. 

A  woman  who  is  too  tall  is  a  quoob,  or  a  man  who  is  too 
short.  So  are  you,  when  in  rain  coat  and  rubbers,  after  the 
sun  has  come  out,  or  returning  home  in  the  morning,  in  your 
last  night's  dress  suit. 

I  dreamed  that  I  went  out  to  walk 

In    but    my    night-shirt    clad! 
I  was  a  Quoob;  I  could  not  talk; 

Oh,  what  a  time  I  had! 

But  that  was  nothing  to  my  plight 

When  dining  with  Miss  Lee  — 
They  all  wore  evening  clothes  that  night 

Except  one  Quoob — 'twas  me! 
76 


QUOOB 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  RAW 


Rawp,  n.  1.  A  reliably-unreliable  person. 
2.  One  who  means  well.  3.  A  kind  of  hus 
band. 

Raw'pUS,  a.      1.   Dilatory.      2.   Semi-efficient. 

The  rawp  can  be  absolutely  depended  upon  to  forget  to 
bring  "  that  book  "  he  borrowed  and  that  now  you  need. 

Unreliable?  Oh,,  you  can  depend  upon  him  never  to  keep 
any  engagement  promptly;  you  would  so  much  rather  that 
he  would  fail  utterly  —  then  you  could  properly  scorn  and 
suppress  him.  (See  Zobzib.) 

But  he  does  answer  his  letters  —  after  a  while.  He  does 
mail  letters  —  after  they  are  sufficiently  smooched  and 
crumpled  in  his  coat  pocket.  The  rawp,  like  the  zobzib,  is 
almost  always  late  for  the  train,  late  enough  at  any  time  to 
give  you  a  hygog. 

Rawpus  is  the  clerk  who  makes  errors  in  his  additions; 
the  typewriter  who  spells  "  to  "  in  three  ways  —  all  wrong, 
is  also  rawpus.  (See  Splooch.) 

"  Did  you  get  me  that  spool  of  red  silk  I  asked  you  to  this 
morning?  "  said  Mrs.  Smith.  No,  he  forgot  it.  Mr.  Smith 
is  a  rawp. 

"  Did  you  ring  up  Green  and  tell  him  to  send  a  man  to 
mow  the  lawn?"  asked  Mr.  Smith.  No,  she  didn't;  Mrs. 
Smith  is  a  rawp. 

And  little  Sammie  Smith,  who  never  goes  to  bed  until  he's 
been  told  seven  times  —  what  then  is  he  ?  A  rawpet  ? 

When  Mr.  Rawp  arrived,  the  boat 

Was  sailing  from  the  pier, 
And  Mrs.  Rawp  was  there,  afloat  — 

So  far,  and  yet  so  near! 

No  wonder  Mrs.  Rawp  was  vexed. 

For  she  returned,  to  find 
He  took   the  steamer  sailing  next, 

And  she  was  left  behind! 
79 


RIZ  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Kiz'gid-get,  n.  1.  A  state  of  mental  inertia 
or  indecision;  an  inability  to  make  up  one's 
mind;  a  case  of  rival  possibilities.  2.  One 
who  is  lazily  undecided. 

You  get  the  commonest,  the  most  usual  rizgidget  in  the 
restaurant:  "What  shall  we  have  to  eat?"  But  in  seek 
ing  a  gown,  a  hat  or  a  wedding  present,  the  rizgidget  is 
always  lying  in  wait  for  you,  ready  to  infect  you  with 
mental  sleeping  sickness.  It  can  catch  you  in  the  park  and 
prevent  your  being  able  to  decide  even  which  side  of  the 
fountain  to  pass. 

"  Where  shall  we  go  on  our  vacation  —  to  the  mountains 
or  the  seashore?"  This  is  the  rizgidget  which  blooms 
perennially  on  June  1st.  (See  Uglet.) 

"How  much  ought  I  to  ask  for  it?"  This  is  the  rizgid 
get  that  has  prevented  many  a  sale. 

"Which  man  shall  I  accept?"  So  the  popular  maiden 
is  rizgidgeted. 

"It  looks  like  rain;  shall  we  go  or  stay?  bhall  we 

sell  our  stocks,  or  hang  on?"  We  cannot  make  up  our 
minds;  we  are  the  victims  of  a  rizgidget. 

Why,  every  time  you  have  a  dinner  party,  you  have  the 
rizgidgets  over  whom  to  invite.  (See  Cowcat.) 

A  donkey  with  two  bales  of  hay, 

So  does  the  fable  run, 
Rizgidgeted  the  livelong  day, 

Deciding  on  "  which  one?  " 

So,  with  a  stupid  brain  that's  stirred 

By  sluggish  fuss  and  fidget, 
Deciding  what  to  name  this  word 

Do  I  delay  —  rizgidget! 


80 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  ROW 


Rowtch,  n.  One  who  has  elaborate  gastro 
nomic  technique. 

Rowtch,  v.  1.  To  accomplish  strange  maneu 
vers  over  food  by  means  of  a  knife  and  fork. 
2.  To  eat  audibly  or  with  excessive  unction. 

For  the  "Kansas  City"  or  "banjo  grip/'  the  rowtch,  tak 
ing  the  fork  in  his  left  hand,  places  his  thumb  and  little  fin 
ger  below,  while  the  first,  second  and  third  fingers,  as  if 
touching  the  strings,  press  down  upon  the  top  of  the  instru 
ment.  (See  Wog.) 

The  "Texan"  grip  is  still  more  desperate;  the  fork  is 
gripped  as  if  about  to  stab  —  indeed  it  does  stab,  too ! 

Rowtching,  however,  can  be  done  with  a  knife,  as  in  the 
well  known  operation  upon  the  tonsils,  incidental  to  meals 
among  our  lower  classes;  the  knife  may  be  used  to  rowtch 
peas,  or  as  a  tool  in  that  form  of  food-modeling  which  chil 
dren  affect. 

More  delicate  and  refined,  more  dainty  and  feminine  is 
that  form  of  rowtching  which  consists  in  jabbing  a  piece  of 
meat  upon  the  fork  and  adding  dabs  of  potato,  turnip  and 
gravy  until  the  utensil  is  heaped  with  its  heterogeneous  bur 
den.  Mashing  and  smoothing  down  of  potato  and  smearing 
it  with  butter  affords  the  rowtch  opportunity  for  his  plastic 
skill,  or  you  may  swirl  your  soda  water  glass. 

Vegecide,  the  cutting  of  cooked  potatoes  and  garden  truck 
with  a  knife,  is  the  only  rowtch  that  obtains  in  high  life. 

A  conscientious  eater  was 

My  mother's  Uncle  Bill; 
We  liked  to  see  him  eat,  because 

He  liked  to  eat  his  fill. 

And  when  he'd  rowtched  the  meat  and  bread 

And  things  all  out  of  sight , 
He  pushed  away  his  plate  and  said 

"Lord,  where' s  my  appetite!" 
81 


SKI  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Skinje,  v.  To  feel  shudderingly ;  to  annoy 
your  fingers ;  to  shrink  from ;  to  set  your  teeth 
on  edge. 

Skinjed,  p.p.  To  have  one's  tactile  nerves 
outraged. 

Skin'jid,  a.     Harsh,  rough  or  gritty. 

Did  you  ever  skinje  a  broken  finger-nail  on  satin?  "  Alias, 
Jimmy  Valentine  "  can  rub  his  finger-tips  on  sandpaper,  but 
it's  too  skinjid  for  poor  little  Me. 

My  Aunt  Eliza's  hands  are  skinjid;  no  wonder,  she  will 
wash  them  in  soft-soap.  And  every  time  I  kiss  her  chapped 
lips,  I  am  horribly  skinjed.  (See  Forge.) 

James  Whitcomb  Riley,  in  a  pathetic  little  verse,  tells  of 
a  sensitive,  delicate  young  lady  who  loved  to  draw  her  fin 
ger-nails  in  long,  sweet  scratches  down  the  plastered  walls, 
skinjing  them  pathetically.  You  and  I  prefer  to  scratch 
bricks  or  blackboards  —  they  are  more  skinjid.  Do  new 
towels  skinje  you?  Do  you  skinje  at  wet  velvet?  Can  you 
bite  a  skinjid  file?  Your  collar  —  has  it  a  skinjid  edge? 

"  Put  more  starch  in  them  lace  curtains  before  you  iron 
'em/'  says  Mrs.  O'Hatchet  to  the  hired  girl.  "  Mr.  Mas 
ters  always  likes  to  feel  of  'em  before  he  goes  to  bed."  (See 
Kripsle.) 

As  skinjid  as  a  plaster  wall, 

As  skinjid  as  a  file, 
So  is  the  world  when  I  am  broke; 

I  cannot  laugh  or  smile. 

But  when  my  purse  is  full  and  fat 

I  know  no  teasing   twinge; 
I  meet  so  much  to  giggle  at 

Nothing  can  make  me  skinje! 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  SKY 


Sky'SCrim-ble,  v.  1.  To  go  off  at  a  tangent; 
to  fly  into  space.  2.  To  make  a  wild  flight 
from  an  untenable  intellectual  position. 

The  acrobat  on  the  flying  trapeze  skyscrimbles  in  a  thrill 
ing  arc  from  perch  to  perch.  So  skyscrimbles  the  philoso 
pher  into  words  of  seven  syllables,,  when  you  ask  him  about 
the  Deity.  (See  Gubble  and  Edicle.) 

A  woman  caught  in  an  inconsistency  skyscrimbles  through 
an  hour  of  fantastic  argument. 

When  Wilson  won,,  red  Republicans  skyscrimbled  up  into 
the  Democratic  fold.  (See  Eegot.) 

Tell  a  Socialist  that  "  You  can't  change  human  nature/' 
—  he  skyscrimbles  in  Marxian  metaphysics. 

So,  when  you  complain  of  your  laundry,  or  your  telephone 
service,  or  the  railroad  company's  neglect,  men  skyscrimble, 
passing  the  blame  from  one  to  another. 

Ask  one  actress  about  another's  age.  ..."  Why,  she  was 
in  the  Murray  Hill  Stock  Company  when  Dustin  Farnum 
used  to  "...  etc.,  etc.,  etc.  ...  A  skyscrimble. 

I  asked  a  Suffragette  one  day, 

Whose  wits  were  neat  and  nimble, 

Why  she  had  rouged  her  cheeks  that  way  — 
She  did  a  quick  skyscrimble. 

I  told  a  man  'twas  funny  that 

His  overcoat  was  new 
While  wifey  wore  her  last  year's  hat  — 

And  he  skyscrimbled,  too! 


83 


SLU  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Slub,  n.  1.  A  mild  illness,  that  does  not  really 
incapacitate.  2.  A  "  headache."  3.  An  in 
disposition,,  manufactured  for  an  especial  oc 
casion. 

Slub'by,  a.  Feeling  the  necessity  of  a  good  ex 
cuse. 

A  slub  is  a  cold,  a  headache,  a  boil  or  any  affection  in  the 
disreputable  underworld  of  disease.  There's  nothing  of  the 
aristocracy  of  pain  in  the  slub.  It  is,  so  to  speak,  a  mere 
working  illness. 

Men's  slubs,  however,  are  more  intense  than  women's.  A 
man  when  he  has  a  slub,  says,  "  Oh  pshaw !  it's  nothing." 
But  he  expects,  all  the  same,  to  be  assiduously  attended. 
Every  woman  in  the  household  must  minister  to  his  misery. 
(See  Farm.) 

Women  have  slubs  innumerable,  and  for  the  most  part  say 
nothing  about  them,  unless  they  want  an  excuse  for  staying 
away  from  a  party.  When  the  society  woman  has  a  slub, 
she  sends  for  a  good  looking  doctor.  (See  Alibosh.) 

Children,  however,  are  oftener  slubby  —  when  they  don't 
want  to  go  to  school  or  to  church  the  slub  works  overtime. 
(See  Uglet  and  Moosoo.) 

Shop-girls  are  not  allowed  to  have  slubs. 

"I  have  a  slub!"  the  maiden  said, 

"  I  cannot  go  with  you. 
"  You'll  have  to  go  without  me,  Fred!  " 

And  Fred  felt  slubby,  too. 

But  when,  at  ten  o'clock,  or  so, 

He  found   his  girl  disdainful 
Maxixing  with  his  hated  foe 

Fred's  slub  grew  really  painful! 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  SNO 


Snosh,  n.  1.  Vain  talk;  1000  words  to  the 
square  idea.  2.  A  talker  from  whom  no  re 
sults  are  expected;  one  who  cannot  be  taken 
seriously.  3.  A  project  or  enterprise  that  is 
born  dead. 

Wall  Street  is  where  the  snosh  abounds.  Advertise,  cir 
cularize,  collect  and  disappear  —  that's  how  they  work  the 
gold-mine  snosh.  (See  Alibosh.) 

Queer,  isn't  it  —  a  man  who's  always  "  full  of  schemes  " 
is  always  a  snosh,  while  a  crank  with  one  idea  may  succeed. 
Why?  A  snosh  is  always  imitating  something.  He  is  the 
theatrical  manager  who  follows  up  a  successful  play  with  a 
third-rate  duplicate. 

But,  talking  about  plays,  did  you  ever  talk  to  a  society 
woman  who  was  writing  one?  It's  a  snosh.  In  the  first 
place,  she  won't  finish  it  until  the  year  1977  and  then  it  will 
take  her  a  double-lifetime  to  find  a  big  enough  fool  to  pro 
duce  it.  Broadway  is  lined  with  snoshes  —  but  the  word 
isn't  necessarily  theatrical.  The  smart  restaurant  that  in 
sists  on  evening  dress  is  a  snosh  —  and  so  is  an  actress  who 
says  she  loves  you. 

In  Reno  dwells  the  married  snosh.  Any  wedding  per 
formed  upon  a  bride  and  groom  under  the  age  of  25  is  a 
snosh.  So  is  a  marriage  with  a  Count.  (See  Pawdle.) 

Miss  Pittsburgh  swore  that  she  would  wed 

A  title,  and  by  Gosh, 
Miss  Pittsburgh  did;  her  father  paid 

A  million  for  a  snosh. 

And  now,  although  he  swears  at  her, 

It  is  a  Count  that  swears, 
And  over  eyes  he's  black-and-blued 

A  coronet  she  wears! 


85 


SPI  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Spigg,  n.  1.  Any  decoration  of  overt  vanity. 
2.  Extrinsic  charms.  3.  Things  worn  obvi 
ously  to  attract  notice. 

Spig'get-y,   a.     Prinked,  elaborately  adorned. 

Paint,,  powder,  dyed  hair,  court  plaster  patches,  artificial 
dimples,  highly  manicured  and  rouged  nails,  blacking  under 
the  eyes,  whiting  under  the  chin,  rouged  ears,  lead-penciled 
eyebrows,  loaded  eye-lashes  are  spigg.  (See  Wowze.) 

Jewelry  is  spigg;  spigg  is  the  treasure-chest  of  would-be 
beauty,  the  ammunition  of  the  bogus  Cupid. 

In  some  latitudes,  ladies  are  spigged  with  tattoo  marks 
and  nose-rings;  in  others,  with  marceled  hair  and  low-necked 
gowns.  (See  Farm.) 

Men  spigg  themselves  with  fancy  socks  and  curled  mous 
taches.  In  the  cart-horse  parade,  Old  Dobbin  spiggs  his 
braided  tail  with  ribbons. 

For  spigg  is  nothing  but  a  vanity  that  is  not  ashamed  to 
advertise  itself;  but  advertising  is  one  of  the  most  difficult  of 
arts,  wherefore  now  its  appeal  is  as  grotesque  as  the  three 
fat  seasick  plumes  in  the  dowager's  hair,  and  now  it  is  as 
delicate  as  the  violets  in  a  debutante's  bosom. 

So  spiggety  was  cousin  Grace, 

When  I  was  there  last  night, 
I  could  not  even  see  her  face; 

She  was  a  shocking  sight! 

<f  Why  all  this  flour  and  whitewash,  dear? 

Why   so  much   blacJc-and-red? " 
"  Because  I'd  feel  so  nude,  this  year, 

Without  my  spigg,"  she  said. 


86 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  SPI 


Spil'lix,  n.  1.  Undeserved  good  luck;  acci 
dental  success.  2.  A  lucky  stroke,  beyond 
one's  normal  ability. 

SpiTlix-y,  a.  Exceptional,  lucky,  uncharac 
teristic.  Untrue  to  "  form." 

At  pool,  tennis  or  golf,  the  spillix  aids  the  amateur  with 
proverbial  luck.  A  spillix  is  winning  a  prize  in  the  lottery; 
is  the  business  deal,  that  unexpectedly  goes  through;  is  meet 
ing  an  influential  friend  when  you  are  in  your  best  clothes. 
Getting  a  position  by  inadvertently  happening  to  be  right  on 
the  spot. 

A  bargain  is  a  spillix;  an  exciting  conversation  overheard 
on  the  telephone.  (See  FrowTcC} 

Thousands  of  people,  intending  to  cross  on  the  Titanic, 
took  the  next  boat  following  —  and  boasted  of  the  spillix. 

It's  a  spillix,  to  find  money  in  the  street;  also  to  discover 
that  the  chaperon  is  more  charming  than  the  girl  herself. 
Through  a  spillix,  you  blunder  into  success.  (See  Zobzib.') 

Every  young  May  that  weds  a  rich  old  December,  prays 
for  a  spillix,  but  he  seldom  dies  to  leave  her  a  fascinating 
widow  in  becoming  robes  of  black. 

A  spillix  is  a  lucid  interval,  or  the  bright  remark  of  a  fool. 

His  first  shot  to  the  bull's  eye  flew  — 

He  would  not  shoot  —  for  then 
It  was  a  spillix,  and  he  knew 

He  would  not  score  again. 

So,  when  he  wed  the  girl  he  sought, 
We  thought  'tzvas  rather  funny  — 

It  was  a  spillix;  for  she  thought, 
Alas,  that  he  had  money! 


87 


SPL  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Splooch,  n.  1.  A  failure,  a  ruin.  2.  One  who 
doesn't  know  his  business;  a  bad  amateur. 
3.  Exorbitantly  overpaid  service. 

One  thinks  at  first  naturally  of  a  restaurant;  there  are 
more  splooch  waiters  than  anything  else  in  the  world.  Next, 
come  servant  girls,  the  splooch  that  burns  the  soup  and  leaves 
the  salt  out  of  the  bread.  A  cake  with  an  ingrowing  stomach 
is  a  splooch.  A  suit  of  clothes  that  looks  anxious  about  the 
shoulderblades  —  wet  hay  —  bug-eaten  potato  plants  and 
pears  with  worms  inside  —  splooches  all. 

Most  musical  comedies  are  splooches.,  most  stories  in  the 
magazines,  most  janitors.  (See  Jurp.) 

What  then,  of  the  dentist  who  pulls  out  the  sound  tooth  by 
mistake,  or  the  surgeon  who  takes  out  your  appendix  but 
leaves  his  eye-glasses  inside?  He's  a  medico-splooch. 

Then  there's  the  vaudeville  juggler  who  splooches  the  balls 
and  the  singer  who's  off  the  key.  (See  Snosh.) 

Every  day  on  Wall  Street  ten  thousand  lambs  make  splooch 
investments,  hoping  to  become  captains  of  finance. 

I'll  never  dine  at  Mack's  again; 

The  splooch  that  slings  the  eats 
He   makes    me   wait   an   hour,   and   then 

He  serves  me  corn,  for  beets! 

Last  night  I  ordered  Irish  stew, 
And  there  my  wife's  old  brooch 

That  she  had  lost  a  year  or  two 
Was  hidden  in  the  splooch  I 


88 


WatcK 

<"£ 
Overcoat 


SPLOOCH 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  SPU 


Spuzz,  n.  1.  Mental  energy,  an  aggressive  in 
tellect.  2.  Stamina,  force,  spice. 

Spuz'zard,  n.  An  active,  forceful  thinker. 
2.  A  cocktail  with  a  "  kick  "  in  it. 

Spuz'zy,  a.  1.  Highly  seasoned.  Charged 
with  brain-electricity. 

Theodore  Roosevelt  and  Kaiser  Wilhelm  have  spuzz. 
Demiourgos,  maker  of  men,  gave  them  an  extra  dash  of  the 
tabasco.  (See  Persotude.) 

Spuzz  in  acting,  in  writing,  or  in  business  is  what  brings 
in  the  money. 

Spuzz  welcomes  competition;  it  is  always  ready  for  the 
fray. 

You  can't  down  the  spuzzard;  he  is  elastic,  and  bounces 
up  after  every  failure. 

The  spuzzard  is  the  girl  who  could  "just  die  dancing." 
She  answers  her  letters  the  day  they  are  received. 

The  farmer  with  no  spuzz  to  him  can  never  lift  the  mort 
gage;  but  the  spuzzy  intensive  Italian  down  the  road  is  edu 
cating  his  sons  to  be  doctors  and  lawyers. 

Spuzz  is  that  getaheadative  zip,  tang,  and  racehorse  en 
thusiasm  that  has  for  its  motto,  "  Do  it  now." 

A  good  Welch  rarebit  has  spuzz ;  so  has  a  dry  Martini  — • 
but  it's  the  wrong  kind.  (See  Looblum.) 

How  I  admire  a  Suffragette! 

No  matter  what  she  does, 
She  has  red  corpuscles,  you  bet! 

She  has  a  lot  of  spuzz! 

And  yet  —  I  would  not  marry  her; 

But  some  shy,  timid  elf, 
Some  clinging  flower  shall  be  my  bride; 

I'll  find  the  spuzz,  myself! 


91 


SQU  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Squinch,  n.     A  nervous,  anxious  state  of  mind; 

a  palpitating  desire  to  succeed  beyond  one's 

deserts. 
Squinch,  v.     To  watch  and  wait,  hoping  things 

will  turn  one's  own  way;  to  anticipate. 

No  squinch  like  the  sailor's,  sniffing  the  weather  from  the 
catheads,  or  wherever  he  sniffs  it  from  —  unless  it  is  the 
farmer,  squinching  for  sun  or  rain  that  will  bring  a  harvest 
of  crops  enough  to  pay  the  interest  on  the  mortgage. 

You  squinch  the  stock  market  for  a  rise  or  fall;  but  no 
matter  how  you  squinch  U.  S.  Steel  Common,  there's  always 
someone  squinching  it  the  other  way. 

Then  there's  the  lottery  squinch  —  or  there  used  to  be, 
wondering  if  the  winning  number  will  end  in  6. 

The  candidate  is  on  the  squinch  before  election  with  his 
ear  to  the  ground.  President  Wilson  squinches  Mexico  as 
anxiously  as  a  village  girl  squinches  her  beau  for  a  proposal. 
(See  Quink.} 

See  the  House  Manager  of  a  theatre  in  the  box  office 
squinching  the  crowd  coming  in  for  the  evening  performance ! 
So  I  squinch  this  word,  hoping  that  it  will  become  popular. 

Behind  his  geography,  little  Willie  squinches  his  teacher, 
as  he  reads,  "  The  White  Slaver's  Revenge,"  or,  "  Saved  by 
Eugenics."  (See  Kipe.) 

I  knew  that  I  was  squinched,  because 

When  e'er  I  spoke  of  rings, 
Or  wedding  bells,  or  marriage  laws, 

She  looked  unuttered  things. 

But  still  I  flirted,  standing  pat, 

And  did  not  yield  an  inch; 
I  told  her  I  was  married  —  that 

Was  how  I  fooled  her  squinch! 


92 


TASHIVATE 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  TAS 


Tash-i-va'tion,  n.  The  art  of  replying  by 
means  of  reciprocal  tones. 

Tash'i-vate,  v.  To  reply  without  attention;  to 
speak  aimlessly,  or  without  interest,  as  to  a 
child. 

Tash'i-vat-ed,  p.p.  Absorbed  in  more  inter 
esting  things;  inattentive;  answered  perfunc 
torily. 

Have  you  acquired  the  art  of  tashivation?  Can  you  read 
the  newspaper  right  along  through  your  wife's  gossip,  or 
your  little  daughter's  prattle?  This  is  the  secret  of  true 
domesticity;  it  is  the  science  of  being  a  husband. 

The  actress  has  an  ear  trained  to  distinguish  emotions,  and 
a  tongue  trained  to  answer  them  without  the  conscious  use 
of  her  brain.  A  friend  tells  her  a  long,  dull  story,  and  her 
mind  wanders  through  the  Elysian  Fields  of  her  own  ex 
periences,  unheeding.  Suddenly  the  tale  ends  — "  And 
there  she  was,  right  in  the  room  with  him !  "  What  was  it 
all  about?  Never  mind,  the  answer  is  easy:  "Well,  what 
do  you  think  of  that?  "  (See  Drillig.) 

Tashivation  is  answering  without  listening,  as  one  speaks 
to  a  beggar  —  as  one  talks  at  a  crowded  reception,  as  one 
answers  the  man  who  asks  for  a  loan. 

When  a  man  explains  machinery  to  a  woman,  she  tashi- 
vates,  her  mind  on  pleasanter  things;  and  so,  when  a  woman 
explains  fashions  to  a  man.  (See  Farm.) 

Why  do  I  tashivate,  and  say 

"  Oh,  yes/'  and  "  Really?  "—"  Yes?  " 

Because  although  she  talks,  I  try 
To  read  my  book,  I  guess. 

I  nod  and  smile,  and  speak,  sedate; 

My  wife  keeps  on  her  chatter. 
So  long  as  I  can  tashivate 

Her  questions  do  not  matter. 
95 


THU  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Thusk,  n.  1.  Something  that  has  quickly 
passed  away.  2.  A  precocious  memory;  an 
unnatural  feeling  of  remoteness. 

Thusk'y,  a.     So  near,  and  yet  so  far. 

Thusky  are  the  sounds  in  the  street,  as  you  lie  ill  in  bed 
in  summer.  Thusky  are  your  old  love  letters,  tied  in  blue 
ribbons,  the  last  one  postmarked  fully  a  week  ago.  (See 
lobink.) 

Yesterday's  newspaper  is  thusky,  and  last  year's  popular 
song.  Thusky  are  the  novels  that  six  months  since  were 
talked  about  and  read.  Thusky  are  last  winter's  styles. 
(See  Gowyop.^) 

While  you  are  abroad,  the  American  newspapers  are 
thusky;  when  you  are  returning,  all  Europe  is  a  thusk. 

Thusky  is  the  house  you  once  lived  in;  your  old  sweet 
heart  of  college  days. 

Which  is  the  thuskiest, —  a  dead  actor,  an  ex-president,  or 
a  popular  hero,  now  laid  on  the  shelf? 

I  met  a  thusk  the  other  day; 

Three   times  I  had  to  look 
Before   I   recognized   him  —  say, 

'Twas   only   Doctor   Cook! 

How  thusky,  now,  his  polar  jest! 

As  thusky   as  the  way 
A  joke  would  sound,  if  'twere  expressed 

In  slang  of  yesterday! 


96 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  TIN 

Till'tid-dle,  n.  1.  An  imaginary  conversation. 
2.  A  witty  retort,  thought  of  too  late,  a  men 
tal  postscript. 

Tin-tid-di-la'tion,  n.  Optimistic  day-dream 
ing. 

Oh,  the  bright  reply  you  thought  of,  after  you  had  gone  — 
the  crushing  answer  that  you  might  have  given !  Who  does 
not  know  the  tardy  tintiddle?  The  questions  you  forgot  to 
ask,  the  terms  you  forgot  to  make,  the  repairs  you  did  not 
ask.  Was  there  any  closet  in  that  corner  room?  Now,  did 
that  include  water,  or  not?  Tintiddling  comes  with  tanta 
lizing  thought.  (See  lobink.) 

When  you  rehearsed  your  speech  the  night  before,  the 
chorus  of  applause  came  tintiddling  to  your  ears.  And  when 
tintiddling  you  proposed  to  the  girl,  she  fell  gratefully  into 
your  arms. 

When  in  tintiddilation,  you  applied  for  that  position,  how 
noble  was  your  pose  —  how  convincing  were  your  words ! 
But  they  were  only  tintiddles,  and  tintiddles  never  come  out 
as  you  expect.  (See  Bimp.) 

Chastely  tintiddling  are  the  wedding  anticipations  of  the 
bride!  (See  Jujasm.) 

Tintiddling  vainly,  I  proposed 

To  Kate  —  and  was  accepted. 
Next  day  (as  you  might  have  supposed), 

I  was  with  scorn  rejected. 

How  oft,  tintiddling  all  alone, 

I'm  witty,  wise,  defiant  — 
But  in  real  life,  no  one  has. known 

That  I'm  a  mental  giant! 


97 


UDN  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Ud'ney,  n.  1.  A  beloved  bore;  one  who  loves 
you  but  does  not  understand  you;  a  fond,  but 
stupid  relative.  2.  An  old  friend  whom  you 
have  outgrown. 

Your  mother,  your  doting  aunt,  your  dull,  but  affectionate 
husband,  your  favorite  brother's  wife;  or  the  man  your  sister 
is  engaged  to  —  udneys  all.  You  hate  to  hurt  their  feelings ; 
would  they  not  do  anything  in  the  world  for  you?  You  go 
to  them  in  your  troubles  and  you  forget  them  in  your  pleas 
ures.  You  hate  to  write  to  them,  but  manage  to  scrawl  hasty 
and  vapid  notes.  (See  Uglet.) 

The  udney  gives  you  gifts  of  clothing  you  can't  possibly 
wear,  and  expects  you  to  rave  over  them. 

Or,  the  udney  is  someone  who  likes  you  more  than  you 
like  him.  He  is  like  an  affectionate  dog,  always  under  foot 
or  licking  your  hand. 

In  the  pathetic  slavery  that  women  endure,  not  the  slavery 
of  women  to  men  —  but  that  of  women  to  women  —  the  ud 
ney  has  the  master  hand.  The  blindly  doting  parent,  whose 
daughter  "  has  no  secrets  from  her,"  rules  with  a  rod  of 
sugar.  Though  her  daughter  may  be  old  enough  to  have  to 
"  touch  up  "  her  hair  —  yet  so  long  as  she  has  a  "  Miss  " 
before  her  name  will  it  be  her  doom  to  be  the  willing  slave 
and  pet  of  an  unconscious  udney.  (See  Farm.) 

Jane's  mother  nothing  did  forbid; 

She  was  an  udney,  though  — 
Because,  whatever  Janey  did 

Her  mother  had  to  know. 

"  Of  course  he'll  marry  you"  one  day, 

She  said  to  guilty  Jane, 
"  Or  else  why  should  he  kiss  you,  pray?  " 

How  could  the  girl  explain! 


98 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  UGL 


Ug'let,  n.  1.  An  unpleasant  duty.  2.  Some 
thing  one  puts  off  too  long. 

Ug'gle,  v.  1.  To  procrastinate  respecting  the 
inevitable.  2.  To  do  something  one  dislikes. 

Having  to  have  your  teeth  filled  is  an  uglet;  you  wait  and 
wait,  trying  to  find  the  time  —  and  the  courage. 

Getting  up  early  in  the  morning  is  an  uglet;  inquiring 
regularly  about  convalescents;  and  getting  a  spring  hat,  or 
a  new  fall  suit  —  delaying  until  you  are  the  last  one  in  town. 
(See  Forge.) 

It's  an  uglet  to  clean  your  top  bureau  drawer;  and  calling 
on  the  Wilsons  —  darning  your  stockings  —  or  buying  a  wed 
ding  present,  or  having  your  picture  taken.  (See  Digmix.) 

"Oh,  I've  simply  got  to  do  that!"  But  —  how  long  you 
delay  in  inviting  the  Ransoms  to  dinner !  It's  an  uglet. 

Paying  the  doctor's  bill  is  the  universal  uglet.  (See 
Igmoil.)  But  answering  letters  from  people  you  haven't 
seen  for  a  long  time  is  worse. 

It  was  an  uglet  that  I  feared; 

It  grew,  and  grew,  and  grew, 
And  long  I  had  to  dree  my  weird  — 

That  deed  I  dared  not  do; 

And  yet  it  must  be  done!     In  fear, 

Unto  my  wife,  I  said: 
<(  Your  hat  is  NOT  becoming,  dear  — 

You  never  should  wear  red! " 


99 


UNK  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Unk,  n.  1.  An  unwelcome  present,  an  inap 
propriate,  undesirable  or  distasteful  gift. 
2.  A  duplicate  wedding  present.  3.  A  sou 
venir,  or  picture  postcard. 

These  are  the  classic  unks  that  women  give  to  men  —  un- 
wearable  neckties,  hand-embroidered  suspenders,  smokeless 
cigars  — "  La  Flor  de  Chinatown !  "  They  give  them  sleeve- 
button  unks,  unks  made  of  shiny  black  leather.  "  It's  so 
hard  to  find  gifts  for  a  man!  "  (See  Gefoojet.) 

Men  give  in  return,  feminine  unks  —  flowers  that  don't 
match  a  girl's  gown;  perfumery  in  fancy  bottles;  a  dozen 
pairs  of  gloves  of  an  off  color;  souvenir  jewelry  boxes  with 
pictures  of  the  State  Capitol  on  top;  impossible  paper  cut 
ters;  ivory  handled  nail  files  elaborately  carved,  that  will  not 
file.  (See  Quisty  and  Diabob.) 

Women  of  uncertain  age  receive  unks  in  the  form  of  bed- 
shoes,  with  an  old-maid  implication ;  linen  collars,  with  stiff 
tabby-cat  bows  in  front,  disgustingly  neat  — "  so  nice  for 
business !  "  There  they  are,  in  back  of  the  bureau  drawer, 
yellowing  with  age. 

When  you  were  married,  you  received  thirty-four  wedding 
unks;  nine  pie  knives  and  forty-five  pickle  forks. 

A  gold  pencil  that  won't  write  is  an  unk;  so  is  that  padded 
seal  volume  of  Tennyson  on  the  shelf  beneath  the  center 
table.  (See  Gorgule.) 

What  is  an  unk?     That  thing  that  lies 

Upon  your  bureau,   there! 
You  have  outlived  your  first  surprise; 

You  do  not  even  care. 

Its  faint  and  foolish  life  is  done, 

It  is  a  mere  negation;  — 
An  unused  souvenir  of  one 

Without  imagination! 

100 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  VAR 


Varm,     n.     1.  The     quintessence     of     sex^    £. 

One   who    is    characteristically    wok.&i'.isJh    or 

man-like. 
Var'mic,  a.    Monosexually  psychologic.    2. 

yoking  intersexual  antipathy. 


A  man  in  love  thinks  himself  attracted  to  a  woman  because 
she  is  feminine,  and  different  from  him;  in  reality,  it  is  be 
cause  he  thinks  she  is  different  from  other  women.  He  does 
not  discover  her  varm.  Other  girls  are  vain,  tricky,  deceit 
ful  and  illogical  —  she  is  a  creature  unique. 

But,  when  he  is  married,  she  becomes  unexpectedly  varmic. 
He  watches  her  egoistic  poses  before  the  mirror,  and  the 
first  time  their  "  togetherness  "  is  broken  by  her  confidential 
delights  with  another  woman,  he  sees  her  varm. 

To  a  man,  there  is  something  he  hates  in  woman,  if  not  in 
women.  It's  the  subtle  antipathy  of  sex  —  the  things  women 
tell  each  other  —  the  things  they  do  —  it's  the  varm. 

But  so  women  secretly  hate  men  —  hate  their  childishness, 
their  superiority,  their  insanity  and  their  blindness. 

"  Just  like  a  woman !  "     So  do  men  voice  their  varm. 

Your  wife's  bureau  drawers  are  varmic.  So  is  a  tea-room, 
or  a  woman's  club,  or  a  co-educational  college,  or  the  ladies' 
dressing  room  of  a  fashionable  restaurant.  (See  Spigg.) 

Smoking  tobacco  is  no  longer  varmic.      (See  Ovotch.) 

How  would  you  like  to  see  your  husband  at  a  prize  fight? 
There  varm  is  violent. 

I  hate  a  girl  —  but  my  Hortense 

Is  not  the  average  woman; 
She  has  more  brains,  she  has  more  sense  — 

In  fact,  she's  almost  human. 

Or,  so  I  thought,  until,  one  day, 

She  lost  that  previous  charm, 
I  overheard  her  talk  with  May  — 

Hortense  was  but  a  varm! 
101 


VIL  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Vilp,  n.  1.  A  bad  loser,  an  unsportsmanlike 
piayerv  -2.  A  gloating  victor,  or  one  who  is 
intoxicated  by  success. 

Vil'pOUS,  a.     Unscrupulous,  cheating  in  games. 

The  vilp  is  always  explaining  why  he  lost  the  game  and 
usually  blaming  the  fault  upon  someone  else  —  he  "  usually 
plays  a  much  better  game  "  than  the  one  you  see.  This  time, 
it  is  only  because  he  has  the  rheumatism,  or  didn't  get  any 
sleep  last  night.  (See  Slub.) 

The  vilp  plays  to  win  —  plays  for  the  stakes  or  the  prize. 
Women  vilps  have  even  been  known  to  cheat  at  cards  to  gain 
a  half-pound  box  of  candy  tied  with  yellow  ribbon. 

The  vilp  takes  advantage  of  all  his  opponent's  slips,  calls 
all  fouls,  but  does  not  notice  his  own.  He  crows  over  his 
victim  when  he  wins,  and  sulks  when  he  loses.  He  bullies 
his  opponent,  and  whines  when  he  comes  out  last.  (See 
Igmoil.) 

'  There  is  no  sex  to  the  vilp;  the  women  at  the  bridge  and 
the  men  at  the  poker  table  are  alike  vilpous.     (See  Gorm.) 

There  is  no  sport  like  Love,  and  he 

Or  she  who  plays   the  game 
Must  play  to  win;  and  so,  maybe, 

The  vilp  is  not  to  blame. 

"  All's  fair  in  love  and  war"  they  sayt 

So  women  cheat  and  fight, 
And  men  compete  the  vilpous  way. 

But  does  that  make  it  right? 


102 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  VOI 


Voip,  n.  Food  that  gives  no  gastronomic  pleas 
ure;  any  provender  that  is  filling,  but  taste 
less. 

Voip,  v.     To  eat  hurriedly,  without  tasting. 

Every  morning,  millions  of  Americans  go   forth  sustained 
for  work,  but  cheated  out  of  the  pleasures  of  a  real  repast  — 
they  have  merely  fed  on  voip. 

Pop  corn  was  the  original  voip,  discovered  by  the  Pilgrim 
Fathers.  Next  came  crackers,  ham-sandwiches-without-but- 
ter  and  the  sawdusty  provender  of  railroad  lunch  counters. 
(See  Mooble.^) 

Ginger  snaps  are  voip;  so  are  buns  and  doughnuts.  Lastly 
came  the  reign  of  glorified  voip  in  decorated  pasteboard  pack 
ages  —  breakfast  foods  of  all  degrees  from  birdseed  up  to 
dried  peas. 

New  York  has  discovered  the  art  of  transforming  any  food 
into  voip,  by  the  simple  expedient  of  making  you  eat  it  stand 
ing.  (See  Uglet.) 

At  breakfast,  when  on  voip  I  feed, 

Mechanically  chewing, 
My  listless  palate  does  not  heed, 

Or  know  what  it  is  doing. 

I  oft  forget,  when  I  am  through, 

And  wonder  if  I've  fed! 
I  have  to  feel  my  stomach  to 

Be  sure  I've  breakfasted! 


103 


VOR  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Verge,  n.  1.  Voluntary  suffering;  unnecessary 
agony.  2.  The  lure  of  the  uncertain. 

Vor'gid,  a*  Morbidly  fascinating;  interested 
in  horrors. 

Peary  was  a  vorgid  man;  twenty  years  of  freezing  half  to 
death  did  not  conquer  his  appetite.  When  he  had  found  the 
North  Pole,  he  didn't  know  what  to  do  with  it.  To  him,  life 
was  just  one  vorge  after  another,  pulling  sledges,  eating  shoes 
and  candle's,  sleeping  in  a  bearskin  bag.  (See  Yab.} 

Whence  comes  the  vogue  of  the  vorge?  As  a  child,  you 
could  not  help  putting  your  tongue  to  frozen  iron,  although 
you  knew  the  skin  would  stick  to  it;  the  deed  was  vorgid. 
You  put  beans  up  your  nose,  and  wheat  up  your  stocking. 
You  tattooed  your  arms;  and  that  attractive  sore  compelled 
your  touch.  Vorgid  was  castor  oil,  and  bitter  medicines.  All 
these  things  were  horrid,  but  you  did  them  and  boasted  of 
the  vorge.  It  is  vorgid  to  pull  out  your  own  tooth. 

But  how  about  him  who  escorts  his  homely  cousin  to  a  d/ince, 
and  gets  her  partners?  Is  this  less  vorgid? 

Oh,  very  vorgid  is  he  who  makes  a  speech,  but  vorgider  far 
the  groom  at  a  fashionable  wedding. 

Are  you  vorgid?.  Do  you  enjoy  doing  palestric  exercises 
in  the  Gym,  or  a  cold  bath  on  winter  mornings?  (See 
Gloogo.)  Do  you  look  forward,  vorgidly,  to  the  happy  Xmas- 
tide? 

Vorgid  is  women's  talk  about  their  "  operations." 

Oh,  vorgid  'tis  to  pant  and  strain 

And  tug,  the  athlete  thinks; 
And  it  is  vorgicfr,  in  the  rain. 

To  golf  o'er  soggy  links. 

But  it  is  vorgider,  by  far, 

Than  such  palestric  feat, 
To  give  thai  lady  in  the  car 

Your  Oh-so-longed-for  seat! 
104, 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  VOR 


Vo'ri-an-der,  n.  1.  A  woman  who  chases  after 
men,  instead  of  being  chased.  2.  A  woman 
who  telephones  to  men,  or  invites  herself  to 
dinners  at  his  expense. 

Vo'ri-an-der,  v.  1.  To  act  as  above  described; 
to  inflict  oneself  upon  an  unwilling  enter 
tainer.  Women's  overt  competition  for  men. 

To  most  men  the  voriander  is  anathema.  He  would  prefer 
to  ask  the  dullest  girl  in  the  world  to  dinner  than  to  entertain 
the  prettiest,  who  has  invited  herself. 

Sly  and  patent  are  the  tricks  of  the  voriander.  She  may 
telephone  you:  "  Have  you  got  your  car  out  of  storage  yet?  " 
Or  she  may  say,  point-blank:  "Say,  isn't  there  a  dinner 
coming  to  me  along  about  now?  "  (See  Eegot.} 

The  voriander  is  sometimes  pretty,  but  never  attractive. 
Her  attempts  are  usually  dodged,  but  she  still  persists. 
"  Confound  it,  I  just  will  get  that  man!  "  she  says,  and  pro 
ceeds  to  voriander. 

Never  introduce  a  friend  to  a  voriander.  There  are  other 
kinder  ways  of  getting  rid  of  her.  A  cat  can  be  kissed  to 
death,  or  smothered  in  fresh  butter;  not  the  voriander.  You 
have  simply  to  leave  town. 

The  voriander  is  "  crazy  "  over  you,  and  your  purse.  She 
writes  you  perfumed  notes,  she  telephones  you  during  business 
hours.  (See  Drillig.) 

Many  vorianders  are  over  thirty  years  of  age. 

Beware  the  voriander,  boy, 

With  mouth  that  kisses  and  torments. 

She  only  loves  you  to  enjoy 

Expensive  foods  at  your  expense. 

Beware  the  voriander,  let 

Her  scented  notes  unanswered  be; 

She's  after  just  what  she  can  get; 

And  when  you're  broke,  she'll  let  you  be! 
105 


WHI  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Whin'kle,  n.  1.  Graciousness,  with  ulterior  in 
tent;  a  hypocritical  politeness.  2.  A  glow  of 
vanity. 

Whin'kle,  v.  To  appear  over-cordial  or  sus 
piciously  amiable;  to  act  snobbishly. 

Some  beam  with  a  merely  personal  vanity;  they  whinkle 
from  sheer  self-satisfaction.  But  when  Jones  saw  me,  he 
whinkled  till  I  thought  his  front  teeth  would  spill  out  of  his 
face.  Why?  I  was  talking  to  a  millionaire.  (See  Eegot.) 

So  the  match-making  Mamma  whinkles  at  that  desirable 
young  man,  who  is  calling  upon  Bessie. 

So  the  book-agent  whinkles  as  he  shows  you  his  samples; 
and  the  insurance  agent,  just  before  you  kick  him  out. 

Whinkles  the  floor-walker,  like  the  girls  at  a  seashore  resort, 
beckoning  the  only  nice  young  man;  but  the  floor-walker 
whinkles  not  when  you  return  a  "  thirty-six "  waist  for  a 
"thirty-eight."  (See  Jurp.) 

The  mother  whinkles  when  you  praise  the  baby,  and  the 
proud  undertaker  when  he  first  displays  the  corpse. 

Mark  the  whinkling  landlady,  showing  the  third  floor  front 
to  the  prospective  lodger.  "  You'll  find  it  a  very  comfortable 
home  here;  everyone  has  always  been  happy  here  —  very! 
Nice  and  sunny  .  .  .  plenty  of  towels  .  .  .  closet  .  .  .  nice, 
soft  bed  —  no  bugs  in  my  house.  Lovely  bureau,  plenty  of 
room  fo-r  all  your  things.  I  am  sure  you  couldn't  do  better." 

How  whinkles  the  pallid  clerk  at  his  employer's  jokes. 

When  first  my  motor-car  I  bought, 
The  salesman  wagged  his  tail  — 

He  whinkled  till  I  almost  thought 
He'd  kiss  me,  for  the  sale. 

But  when  the  poppet-valves  were  strained, 

And  had  to  be  repaired  — 
No  whinkling  then,  when  I  complained; — 

The  salesman  merely  glared! 
106 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  WIJ 


Wij'ji-cle,  n.  A  perverse  or  contradictory  ar 
ticle  of  furniture;  any  household  contrivance 
that  is  always  out  of  order. 

"You'll  find  no  wijjicles  in  this  house/'  said  the  agent  as 
he  unlocked  the  front  door.  "  It's  in  perfect  order."  And 
yet,  before  I  had  left  I  had  found: 

Eight  window-screens  that  wouldn't  go  up  or  down;  loose 
boards  in  the  dining-room  and  three  on  the  stairs  that 
squeaked ;  a  leak  in  the  roof,  a  smoky  fireplace,  three  cupboard 
doors  that  wouldn't  shut,  four  closet  doors  that  would  swing 
open,  and  a  long,  phlegmatic  bath-tub  that  it  took  three- 
quarters  of  an  hour  to  fill,  through  its  reluctant  faucet.  (See 
Quisty.) 

But  I  must  confess  I  brought  in  my  own  wijjicles,  too. 
Reader,  you  know  them  well  — 

The  folding  camp-chairs  that  can't  be  unfolded,  the  three- 
legged  tables  that  tip  over,  the  rocking-chairs  that  bite  you 
on  the  shins  in  the  dark  and  patent  spring-rockers  that 
squeak;  the  unoiled  door,  the  mirrors  with  wavy  glass,  the 
bureau  drawers  that  stick  and  the  step  ladders  that  won't 
stay  open;  the  baby-carriages  that  are  always  in  the  way; 
plush  furniture  that  sticks,  and  painted  chairs  that  come  off 
on  your  back;  screen  doors  that  bang,  and  rugs  on  slippery 
floors,  the  table  that  balances  unsteadily. 

But  the  worst  of  all,  is  the  pencil  with  its  lead  broken  far 
up  inside  the  wood.  (See  Moosoo.) 

I  bought  a  rubber  fountain  pen; 

"  Non-leak  able/'  the  clerk 
Assured  me   confidently,   when 

He  showed  me  how  'twould  work. 

But  now  that  wijjicle  and  I 

Into  the  bath-tub  go 
When  I  must   write   my   letters.      Why? 

Well,  things  are  safer,  so! 
107 


WOG  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Wog,  n.  An  attached  foreign  body,  an  unorna- 
ment. 

Wog,  v.  To  daub  fantastically;  to  decorate  an 
unconscious  victim. 

Wogged,  p.p.  To  have  any  intrinsic  de 
fect  or  visible  superfluity. 

Wog'gy,  a.     Unpleasantly  adorned. 

Have  you  ever  seen  the  gentleman  with  the  Niagara-Falls 
moustache?  Pretty  woggy,  what?  When  beautiful  Bessie 
drinks  buttermilk  and  forgets  her  napkin,  what  can  you  say? 
Such  things  must  not  be  told.  Think  of  Bessie  —  with  a  wog ! 
You  must  turn  away  your  head  and  blush  —  or  else  Bessie 
must.  Wogs  embarrass.  (See  Pooje.) 

But  facial  stalactites  are  not  the  only  wogs,  alas !  Milli- 
cent's  hair  is  wogged  —  prithee  catch  the  hairpin  before  it 
falls.  As  you  pick  a  thread  that  wogs  your  wife's  grey 
gown,  she  discovers  a  blonde  hair  on  your  coat-collar,  the 
most  embarrassing  of  all  wogs. 

Pittsburgh  wogs  its  women  with  spots  of  smut,  black  as 
court-plaster  patches.  You  really  ought  to  get  a  new  dress 
suit,  for  yours  is  seven  years  old  and  wildly  wogged  with 
grease-spots  —  where  you  spilled  the  pink-and-green  ice  cream 
into  your  lap  and  where  the  Swedish  waiter  bathed  your 
shoulders  with  cauliflower  soup.  There  is  a  wog  of  ragged 
braid  on  the  bottom  of  your  torn  skirt,  a  running  wog  in 
your  silk  stocking.  (See  Splooch.) 

Don't  get  wogged!      (See  Zobzib.} 

I  never  care  for  onion  soup  — 

For  onion  soup,  and  hash, 
And  scrambled  eggs  remind  me   of 

My  uncle's  red  moustache; 

For  that  was  what  we  had  to  eat 

When  Uncle  Silas,  togged 
In  Sunday   raiment,  came  to  dine, 

And  got  his  whiskers  wogged! 
108 


WOG 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  WOW 


Wowze,  n.  1.  A  woman  who  is  making  a  fool 
of  herself  and  doesn't  know  it.  2.  Any  ridic 
ulous  and  undignified  object.  3.  A  spectacu 
lar  exhibition  of  unconscious  humor. 

Wowze,  v.  To  act  with  a  misguided  belief  in 
one's  charm;  to  cavort  hopelessly. 

Have  you  ever  seen  a  painfully  conscientious  amateur  tan- 
goist  counting  her  steps?  "One-two-three  —  hold!  "  She's 
a  wowze !  Have  you  ever  been  to  church  on  Easter  Sunday 
in  the  country?  There  are  wowzes  galore. 

An  elderly  maiden  being  kittenish  —  a  perfect  wowze  !  An 
elderly  aunt,  talking  baby-talk  to  her  infant  niece  —  the 
wowze  pathetic.  A  female  art-student  —  the  wowze  aesthetic. 

A  wowze  is  a  female  poem-reciter  in  a  hot  parlor ;  a  fat 
woman  in  swimming;  an  overgrown  girl  in  short  skirts;  an 
angry  landlady;  a  miss  in  curl-papers.  A  shirt  waist  of  plaid 
silk  is  a  wowze,  and  a  cook,  learning  to  skate.  (See  Frowk.) 

A  literary  lady,  trying  to  look  "  artistic  " —  she's  a  wowze 
and  her  gown  is  wowzier. 

The  wowze-social:  —  A  woman  who  doesn't  like  it,  try 
ing  to  smoke.  (See  Ovotch.) 

Miss  Henderson  was  meek  and  mild. 
But,  through  her  black  silk  veil, 

She  drank  a  glass  or  two  of  milk  — 
(She  had  been  drinking  ale.) 

Then,   answering    our   wild   applause, 

She  rose  with  smiles  and  bows. 
She'd  proved  that  she  was  clever,  but 

She  was  a  perfect  wowse! 


Ill 


WOX          BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Wox,  n.     A  state  of  placid  enjoyment;  sluggish 

satisfaction. 
Wox'y,  a.     Contented ;  rurainant ;  at  peace  with 

the  world. 

As  the  glutted  anaconda,  after  .swallowing  a  sheep  alive, 
rests  for  a  benign  month  or  two  underenath  the  turn-turn  tree, 
thinking  of  home  and  mother,  while  the  gross  lump  in  his 
stomach  gradually  declines  and  lessens  —  so  is  the  wox  of 
the  woman  well  and  appropriately  gowned,  especially  if  that 
dress  of  hers  has  been  successfully  made  over  beyond  all  recog 
nition. 

Woxy  is  the  broker,  as  stocks  go  up.  Woxy  is  the  fisher 
man,  when  the  fish  begin  to  bite.  Woxy  is  the  legatee,  when 
the  lawsuit  is  over  and  his  inheritance  is  paid. 

After  your  long  tramp  in  the  rain,  after  your  bath  and  hot 
dinner,  you  sit  by  the  open  fire  in  a  wox. 

There  is  no  joy  but  calm,  say  the  Buddhists;  it's  better  to 
be  woxy  than  excited  with  rapture.  (See  Jujasm.) 

The  author  is  in  a  wox;  his  story  has  been  accepted.  Woxy 
is  the  actor  in  a  good  hotel  at  last,  after  three  weeks  of  one- 
night  stands;  when  he  pushes  the  bell,  something  delightful 
is  sure  to  happen.  There  can  be  no  wox,  alas,  without  a 
previous  annoyance.  (See  Fud.)  But  is  not  all  the  mad 
dening  bustle  and  trouble  of  moving  worth  —  when  you  are 
finally  settled  and  at  ease,  with  every  carpet  down  and  every 
picture  hung  —  the  homelike,  comfortable  wox  that  follows? 

I  ploughed  my  way  through  wind  and  storm 

To  call  on  Fanny  White; 
And  in  her  parlor  I  was  warm 

And  woxy  with  delight. 

'Twas  not  because  I  loved  her  though  — 

For  I  was  fairly  foxy; 
I'd  sold  her  Life  Insurance,  so 

That's  why  I  felt  so  woxy! 
112 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  WUM 


Wum'gush,  n.  1.  An  insincere  affectation 
of  cordiality;  hypocritical  compliments.  2. 
Women's  flattery  of  women;  pretended  friend 
ship.  3.  A  feminine  fib. 

Do  women  criticise  each  other  to  their  faces  ?  Do  they 
find  fault  witli  their  chocolates,  their  looks,  their  clothes,  their 
jests?  No,  not  until  the  front  door  is  closed;  till  then,  they 
slobber  wumgush.  (See  Farm.) 

And  yet,  if  one  man  offers  another  a  cigarette,  the  tobacco 
may  be  called  "  rotten !  "  without  peril  or  anger. 

Men  have  small  use  for  wumgush;  their  compliments  are 
profane  ridicule  and  simulated  enmity. 

A  man  calls  his  best  friend  a  "  damned  fool  " ;  a  woman 
calls  her  worst  enemy,  "My  dear!"  (See  Alibosh.) 

How  women  must  fear  each  other !  They  smooth  their 
rival's  hair;  lovingly,  they  readjust  her  jabot  and  pat  her. 
hands  lingeringly. 

"  How  well  you're  looking,  my  dear !  ".  .  .  and  yards  and 
yards  of  wumgush. 

"  Oh,  I've  had  such  a  wonderful  time !  How  charming  of 
you  to  have  asked  me.  Now,  you  must  come  to  see  us." — 
Wumgush.  (See  Gubble.) 

Wumgush  is  the  frothy  foam  of  society  chatter. 

Wumgush  is  the  sunshine  through  which  fly  the  wasps  of 
sarcasm.  (See  Flooijab.) 

The  wumgush  Clara  spills  on  Lou, 

Whene'er  they  meet,  and  kiss, 
Would  seem  to  prove  a  friendship  truet 

But  it  amounts  to  this, — 

"  Your  waist  is  soiled;  and,  oh,  that  hat! 

Trimmed  it  yourself,  I  know! 
You  never  ought   to  grin  like   that, 

It  makes  your  crow's  feet  show!  " 

113 


XEN  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 

Xen'o-gore,  n.  1.  An  interloper;  one  who  is 
de  trop,  or  keeps  you  from  things  or  persons 
of  greater  interest.  2.  A  self-invited  guest, 
who  stays  too  long. 

The  xenogore  is  a  person  who  doesn't  belong,  but  doesn't 
know  it.  It  is  the  shopper  who  paws  over  goods,  and  pre 
vents  customers  from  buying;  an  extra  woman,  who  drops  in 
when  you  want  to  play  whist;  or  the  creature  who  appears  at 
dinner-time,  when  you  have  just  enough  for  the  family  and 
no  more;  who  invites  himself  into  your  motor-car,  crowding 
you  miserably.  He  annoys  you  when  you  are  talking  busi 
ness,  and  spoils  the  sale. 

Children  in  the  room,  when  you  are  calling,  are  xenogores. 
(See  Kidloid.) 

Someone  talking  to  you,  when  you  want  to  listen  to  that 
interesting  conversation  opposite,  is  a  xenogore. 

A  xenogore  is  likely  to  be  anyone  of  your  wife's  relations 
or  friends;  but  it's  sure  to  be  that  girl  you  have  to  escort 
home,  and  don't  want  to.  (See  Uglet.) 

A  girl  who  accompanies  a  couple  in  love  is  a  xenogore.  (See 
Forge.) 

I  longed  to  see  her  Paris  gowns, 

And  hear  about  my  aunts, 
And  all  those  queer  cathedral  towns  — 

She'd  just  returned  from  France. 

I'd  scarcely  welcvmed  her  —  before 

I'd  told  her  she  was  thinner, 
There  came  a  ring  —  a  xenogore! 

Of  course  he  stayed  to  dinner. 


114, 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  YAB 


Yab,  n.  1.  A  monomaniac  or  fanatic,  inter 
ested  in  one  thing.  2.  A  favorite  topic  of 
discussion,  or  conversation. 

Yab'by,  a.  Talking  continually  on  a  single 
topic. 

Yabs,  a.     Foolishly  interested  or  absorbed. 

People  used  to  be  yabs  on  religion,  but  you  seldom  see  a 
gospel  yab,  now  that  Dowie  has  passed  from  sight.  Still, 
there's  a  pretty  pronounced  Christian  Science  yab  on  in  ideal 
istic  circles.  Business  yabs,  yes;  but  your  wife  won't  stand 
for  it  at  the  supper-table,  unless  your  guest  is  a  good,  heavy 
buyer.  (See  Eegot.) 

The  musician  lives  in  a  yab-world  of  his  own.  He  doesn't 
understand  ordinary  English. 

Some  men  are  yabs  over  women,  some  have  a  horrible  base 
ball  yab  that  will  last  over  way  into  February;  but  the  worst 
of  all  is  a  yabby  actor,  telling  you  how  good  he  is.  (See 
Leolump.^) 

Polonius,  had  he  lived,  would  have  said  to  Hamlet,  "  Still 
yabs  about  my  daughter !  " 

The  White  Slave  yab  is  almost  over  and  the  Sex  yab  is  mute 
in  the  magazines ;  the  Bigyab  is  Tango  with  a  capital  Q. 

The  egoist  is  yabs  about  himself;  the  Englishman  is  yabby 
over  sport,  the  Hebrew  over  money.  Me,  my  yab  is  "  Bur 
gess  Unabridged."  (See  Gloogo.) 

Once   a   little   girl   in   Phoenix 

Arizona  wrote  to  me; 
She  was  yabs  about  eugenics, 

And  was  healthy  as  a  flea. 

But  although  my  Jane  was  poorly, 
And  was  half  the  time  in  bed, 

I  was  yabs  about  her,  surely, 
So   I   married   her,   instead. 

115 


YAM  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 

Yam/noy,  n.  1.  A  bulky,  unmanageable  ob^ 
ject;  an  unwieldy  or  slippery  parcel.  2. 
Something  you  don't  know  how  to  carry. 

Yam'noy,  v.  1.  To  inflict  with  much  luggage. 
2.  To  carry  many  parcels  at  once. 

Did  you  ever  see  a  woman  trying  to  move  a  Morris  chair  — 
or  carry  a  rocker  through  a  screen  door?  (See  Wijjicle.) 
She  is  struggling  with  a  yamnoy.  She  can  carry  a  baby  with 
ease  and  skill,  but  it's  a  yamnoy  to  a  bachelor. 

The  yamnoy  is  a  sheet  of  window  glass  carried  on  a  windy 
day;  a  dripping  umbrella  that  you  don't  know  where  to  place; 
a  bird-cage  or  a  bowl  of  fish,  that  you  don't  dare  trust  in  the 
moving  van.  (See  Uglet.) 

To  yamnoy  is  to  move  a  ladder, or  place  it  upright,  or  to 
carry  a  lawn  mower  home  from  the  city. 

A  patient  husband  'twas,  who  bore 

A   yamnoy,  huge  and  bulky; 
It  weighed  a  dozen  pounds  or  more  — 

No  wonder  he  was  sulky. 

And  as  he  ran  to  catch  the  car, 

More  and  still  more  disgusted, 
His  yamnoy  fell  —  and,  with  the  jar. 

Two  watermelons  busted! 


116 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  YOD 


Yod,  n.  1.  A  ban,  or  restriction;  a  rule  for 
bidding  pleasant  things.  2.  A  place  where 
one  must  conform  to  the  proprieties. 

Yod,  v.  To  behave  circumspectly,,  or  with  con 
ventional  deportment. 

Yod'der-y,  a.  Stiff,  proper,  formal;  respect 
able. 

Yes,  you  have  to  mind  your  p's  and  q's  in  a  Christian  En 
deavor  yod,  or  in  the  house  of  your  best  girl.  Why,  in  some 
places,  there  is  even  a  yod  on  the  tango!  (See  Ovotch.) 

Don't  you  love  to  get  into  a  place  where  there's  a  yod  on 
smoking?  A  temperance  yod  is  not  so  bad  —  except  that  you 
can  never  get  good  food  where  they  sell  soft  drinks. 

Remember  that  restaurant  they  started  a  couple  of  years 
ago  where  evening  dress  was  required?  That  business-suit 
yod  killed  it. 

Poor  little  slangy  Lulu,  with  the  henna  hair !  When  she 
was  introduced  to  Millionaire  Willie's  mother,  she  had  so  many 
yods  on  her  that  she  didn't  dare  squeak! 

Remember  that  low-necked  yod  your  aunt  used  to  have? 
Why,  nowadays,  she  wears  double-decollete  in  a  trolley-car. 
No,  those  sanctimonious  old  yoddery  days  of  yore  are  well 
gone  by.  Your  wife  smokes  cigarettes  now  —  your  daugh 
ter's  skirts  are  slit  up  to  the  knee.  However,  there's  still  a 
yod  on  woman  suffrage,  and  we  may  hold  'em  down.  (Sec 
Farm.) 

There   was  a  yod  on  swearing  at 

The  home  of  Mr.  Badd, 
So  this  was  how  he  had  to  spat, 

When  he  was  good  and  mad:  — 

"  Cognominate   that   blastoderm! 

You  jacitating  void, 
You  go  to  Heligoland  and  squirm, 

You  lepidopteroid!  " 

n? 


YOW  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Yowf,  n.  1.  One  whose  importance  exceeds 
his  merit.  A  rich,  or  influential  fool.  2. 
Stupidness,  combined  with  authority. 

You  find  the  yowf  sitting  at  the  Captain's  table  on  ship 
board;  and  at  the  speakers'  dais  at  banquets.  He  is  top- 
heavy  with  importance,  and  soggy  with  self-esteem. 

Among  the  yowfs  present  were:  The  Mayor  of  the  Small 
Town;  a  state  senator;  the  Dock  Commissioner;  a  bank  presi 
dent,  two  consuls,  the  Commandant  of  the  Navy  Yard,  a 
police  judge,  and  the  Treasurer  of  the  Wild  Cat  Club.  (See 
Edicle.) 

The  yowf  is  long  on  dignity,  and  short  on  charm;  but  he 
has  to  be  waited  on  first.  The  female  yowf  has  a  46  bust 
measure,  and  is  important  mainly  on  account  of  her  clothes. 

It  is  always  a  yowf  who  gives  the  reception  to  visiting 
celebrities.  He  travels  all  over  the  world,  and  somehow, 
is  able  to  mingle  constantly  with  people  with  real  brains. 
(See  Machizzle.) 

The  yowf  was  traveling  on  a  pass  — 

And  he  was  grand  and  fat. 
A  Fourth  Vice  Presidential  ass, 

Or  something  big  like  that. 

I  could  not  bear  him;  so,  one  noon, 

I  pricked  him  with  a  pin. 
He  shrivelled,  a  collapsed  balloon  — • 

Naught  but  an  empty  skin! 


118 


A  NEW  DICTIONARY  ZEE 


Zeech,  n.  1.  A  person  of  too  strong  individual 
ity.  One  whose  personality  dominates.  2. 
A  monologuist  or  violent  talker. 

Zeech'ous,  a.  Lively,  but  tiresome;  exhaust- 
ingly  original. 

The  zeech  is  usually  a  good  talker  and  a  bad  conversa 
tionalist;  he  colors  the  party,  you  have  to  take  his  tone.  He 
may  bring  in  the  sunshine  but  he  destroys  those  subtler  half- 
lights  which  give  atmosphere. 

Curiously,  the  zeech  is  a  great  mixer  and  yet  he  will  not 
mix;  things  must  go  his  way.  He  is  dynamic  but  has  noth 
ing  in  reserve.  (See  Spuzz.} 

There  are  no  surprises  in  the  zeech  —  you  know  what  he 
is  going  to  do  and  say.  You  will  laugh,  but  in  the  end  be 
bored.  He  makes  the  party  "  go/'  but  prevents  its  being  an 
occasion. 

The  zeech  is   conspicuous,  brilliant  —  but  exhausting. 

You  invite  the  zeech  to  dinner,  and  the  first  time  you  are 
enthusiastic  about  him.  By  the  third,  however,  your  wife 
ventures  to  say,  "Oh,  let's  not  have  him  this  time!"  (See 
Cowcat.) 

The   zeech   told   stories   without   end, 

The  life  of  all  the  party. 
He  made  no  joke  that  could  offend, 

He  made  us  laugh  so  hearty! 

But  when  at  last  the  door  was  shut, 

She  said,  and  hid  a  yawn, 
"  Oh,  he  was  so  amusing,  but 

I'm  very  glad  he's  gone!  " 


119 


ZOB  BURGESS  UNABRIDGED 


Zob'zib,  n.     An  amiable  fool,  a  blunderer.     One 

who  is  kind,  but  brainless. 
Zob'zib,  v.     To  act  with  misguided  zeal. 

The  zobzib  "  means  well "  -  but  deliver  us  from  our 
friends!  He  comes  too  early  and  he  stays  too  late.  He  is 
always  in  the  way.  He  calls  just  before  dinner,  but  he  will 
not  sit  down  and  dine  with  you.  He  is  always  "  just  going/' 
He  is  fond  of  picking  out  a  tune  on  the  piano  with  one  finger. 

When  a  zobzib  enters,  you  just  know  he  is  going  to  break 
or  tip  over  something,  or  spill  claret  on  the  table  cloth. 
He  will  surely  slip  on  the  rug.  He  is  a  bull  in  a  china  shop, 
he  is  as  hilarious  as  a  wet  Newfoundland  dog.  (See  Splooch.} 

The  female  zobzib  gives  you  advice,  "  for  your  own  good." 
She  asks  you  to  buy  tickets  for  church  fairs  and  charity  con 
certs. 

A  zobzib  cannot  help  missing  the  train,  he  cannot  help  for 
getting  the  theatre  tickets.  That's  why  he's  a  zobzib.  (See 
Rawp.) 

I've  often  thought  I'd  like  to  be  a  drunkard,  so  some  nice, 
sweet  zobzib  would  marry  me,  to  reform  me. 

A  zobzib,  with  a  rag  and  broom 

And  dust-pan,  came  today; 
She  came  to  tidy  up  my  room, 

While  I  was  far  away. 

She  left,  and  everything  I  need 
Was  zobzibbed  out  of  sight  — 

I  can  find  nothing,  but,  indeed, 
That  Zobzib  "meant  all  right!" 


120 


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